Divorce is the tragedy of family life, breaking the bonds of marriage. What is it happening for? Can it be avoided? How, and most importantly - is it necessary? How to survive a divorce?
The causes, motives, forms, stereotypes and consequences of it will be considered in this article.
Divorce - termination of marriage. And, no matter how sorry it is to admit, in modern times this phenomenon is not uncommon. Because of this, adherents of a conservative approach to life argue that the institution of the family is losing its value. But is it necessary to stay officially together when there is no spiritual connection? Divorce is always more complicated and many-sided than usual separation, since spouses are united by a common life lived, marriage registration, sometimes money, housing, children.
Only way out
It happens that, having quarreled, the couple begin to think about divorce. It seems to them that this is the only way out, while this is a completely wrong conclusion. Moreover, this is not a solution to the problem. If the divorce of the spouses does not have a reason other than the inability to build relationships, then for each of them the situation will be repeated with the next partner, the following and so on ad infinitum. Of course, everyone would like to be accepted as he is, cherished and cherished, appreciated and understood. But relationships are always a search for compromise and common solutions. In marriage, this is most evident.
In the Soviet Union, the institution of marriage and family was valuable. The slogan "cells of society" graphically represented public opinion about divorces. They were not just not encouraged, but categorically condemned by society. For several decades, the situation has changed radically - even the divorce proceedings in connection with the increase in cases of separation of spouses has been simplified. Previously, a prerequisite for the consent of both parties is now not so important, at least one initiative is enough.
Before the wedding, everything was different.
Newlyweds are often disappointed with the realities of life. After the wedding , it suddenly turns out that everything was different in dreams and that expectations were completely and completely unjustified. That is why many couples get divorced after five, three, or even one year of marriage, unable to wait until they "rub" against each other. Characters in everyday life appear harder and sharper, defects are more clearly seen. The solution seems to be divorce. The causes and consequences of such couples are always the same: they hurried, and after that they had to take off their pink glasses, and next time be more careful.
Aggravation of contradictions
And it happens, and vice versa - many years have been lived together, a lot of things have been acquired together, the children have grown and started to build their lives, and the spouses, looking at each other, do not feel the past warmth and love. The feelings that were once disappeared without a trace. The contradictions between the married couple are aggravated, and the question arises: to save the little that is left, or file for divorce? Causes, categories, consequences do not interest them, they are just tired of each other. And break off on each other. A family? There are rings on the fingers, but no family for a long time.
Divorce is the end of everything. Therefore, it is called an extreme measure when it is no longer possible to save a marriage. That is why getting divorced in a hasty way without discussing and without thinking properly, is not the best option. But it often happens just the same: a couple stops all sorts of relationships, officially declaring that they are each other - no one, but they don’t know the reasons for this.
Reason for divorce
It is very important to understand why the divorce turned out to be the final solution. The reasons for divorce and the conditions for the stability of marriage are interrelated things. They represent the base. Once upon a time, each partner in a married couple had their own “half” chosen. There were reasons for this. So, they must be in order to push it away from themselves forever.
It is a mistake to assume that “the wrong person” was once chosen, and now it is necessary to correct the perfect, divorcing him. After all, the choice was made for a reason. Strong feelings or a pragmatic calculation - there are even more than two options, but if a divorce is an attempt to escape from responsibility for your decision, then it will not bring the expected result.
The material side of the issue
Behind the formal phrase about “insurmountable disagreements” as the reason for the divorce is usually something even more significant, because of which these disagreements generally appeared and why they began to develop. According to statistics, twenty percent of divorce proceedings arise from poverty. The tension due to the inability of both spouses to get out of debt is growing, and for the manifestation of any feelings, besides aggression, there is no longer any place. If the family has children, everything is only exacerbated.
Shared living space
When a couple does not have a separate housing and is forced to settle under the roof of their parents, this can also cause an early divorce. The causes, motives, stages and consequences of this situation are different. It takes no more than two years to develop a conflict with older relatives, in fact, another family with its own established rules, which the daughter-in-law or son-in-law does not want to put up with. And if the newlyweds do not have their own housing, soon a small cell of society will fall apart without celebrating its fifth anniversary.
This is because the older generation seeks to control the life of the younger, while the young ones try to build it themselves. One of the partners is torn between the one on whose side to be: parents or wife (husband).
The psychological causes of divorce are symptoms under the general name "feelings have changed." Habits that previously touched begin to annoy, and each of the shortcomings suggests that the spouse is not a couple, but a complete fiction. This may be the loss of love feelings, jealousy and impatience, incompatibility in sexual terms or different outlooks on life that do not allow further building any joint plans. It should be understood that marriage is a merger of two personalities who must harmoniously and self-develop, and progress together.
Sociological point of view
Sociology considers divorce, causes and consequences from the point of view of the public, without going into personal relationships that are purely individual. Its task is to identify the significance of divorce for society.
Divorce as a social phenomenon has a double meaning. On the one hand, it is difficult to argue that divorce is a negative phenomenon. After all, it represents the destruction of the institution of the family. On the other hand, society is interested in ensuring that the “cells” of society are healthy and prosperous, ensure the spiritual development of all family members, and this directly relates to the upbringing of children - the future generation. From which we can conclude that divorce, being a compromise decision of two spouses, unable to marry each other anymore, has positive features for society and, to some extent, for themselves.
Social Roles as a Factor Affecting Divorce
The causes and consequences of divorce can be purely individual. But among them there is a category called behavioral causes. They include the unacceptable qualities of one of the spouses. From a sociological point of view, this is an inability to try on the role of a wife or husband.
When a person marries, he must be psychologically prepared for this. In sociology there is such a concept - “social role”: it means the expected behavior of a person corresponding to his status. After the wedding, the girl gets the role of the wife, and the guy the role of the husband, and this means if one of them is unable to cope with his task, the marriage collapses.
Examples of such reasons:
- problem solving by scandals, not constructive dialogue;
- inability to distribute the family budget;
- Separate living, without any basis;
- alcohol or drug addiction of one of the spouses;
- illegal actions.
How to survive a divorce?
Sometimes without a divorce. And the question is whether this is the only way out, the answer is only in the affirmative. But even if the divorce was a mutual decision and the couple dispensed with quarrels, scandals and beating plates, parting with a former partner, parting with part of oneself, one’s world, past way of life - this is difficult. Divorce (causes, categories, consequences) - is it really so important when it has already happened? But they say it right: warned - means armed. The consequences of a divorce have their stages.
Psychologists distinguish four phases of the experience of divorce. The time frame for them is very arbitrary, for someone one phase can be delayed, mixed with another and so on. But depending on what stage the person is at, the tips may be slightly different.
“It's hard to believe,” is the expression that describes this phase. As always happens after major changes, a person cannot immediately get used to what happened. Waking up in the morning, you have to remind yourself what happened, somehow deal with it. The shock can last as several minutes or drag on for a couple of months. But the usual time frame is from ten to twelve days. Psychologists advise not to withdraw into oneself, not to hide feelings, to talk with relatives and friends, and not to refuse their support.
At this stage, conscious suffering begins, lasting about nine weeks. When it is still possible to believe in a divorce, his current loneliness, fear of the future, and helplessness fall upon a person. It feels like the ground has gone from under the feet. There was support - and now it is gone. The meaning that was taken away cannot be returned; instead, there is a tangle of contradictions in the head and in the heart.
It becomes easier if you look at it from the side. This means that it is necessary to talk more, discuss the situation with someone, try to at least put everything on the shelves so that emotions are not knocked down, and resentment and guilt are not mixed with bewilderment and anger.
If you become depressed and withdraw into yourself, this will lead to self-destruction, but it is necessary on the contrary, to find the strength in yourself to live on, to make plans, to have a new meaning.
You can not concentrate only on your experiences. If there are children in the family, it is also not easy for them, and the task of parents, even those who are divorced, is to calm them down, to help them adapt in a world that has become unusual.
This stage can last about a year after the divorce. The stage does not manifest itself in prolonged suffering, but in short emotional upheavals from common photographs, random meetings and dates that spouses could mark together, and now they should not mean anything.
Common friends and traditions that only a married couple knew make your heart ache as if a dull needle was stuck in it. A person does not constantly think about his divorce, but he also cannot completely forget, especially when he is not at all ready to face the changes face to face, and they overtake him so suddenly.
The final, final phase begins somewhere in a year. Grief loses its strength, in its place comes sadness.
Time heals - and that's right. For a year you have to come to terms with the fact that life goes on, and somehow it is necessary to live. Make new acquaintances and meet friends, develop and progress, raise children and steadfastly accept the sorrows of fate. Sometimes they and joy sometimes have to be met alone - and a person understands this, gets used to it, learns.
Self-esteem is restored. After a couple of years, a need arises for a new relationship with another person, a willingness to meet love.
A full-fledged life begins when pain is replaced by hope, the past does not pull behind it, it remains where it should be - far behind, while ahead, on the contrary, await accomplishments and fulfillment of goals and desires. If a person is ready to see this radiant light - he is ready to live on.