In psychology, there is a test with an ink stain: everyone who looks at it sees something of their own in it. So with the word "love." This supreme and complex feeling is not given to everyone to experience, although its āfragmentsā, āsketchesā, incomplete āpassagesā are for everyone. Attachments usually appear quickly and often. And many people have a problem: how to limit the number of attachments? How to choose?
Maybe itās hard for us to do this because we are not confident in ourselves? Rather, because of the multiplicity of choices that life offers us. Teens often ask me: is this true love or not? And is it possible to love two or three at the same time?
Theoretically, of course, it is possible. But then options like: āI want to stay free, but I want others to depend on meā or āI want someone to tame me ... no one needs me, but if I were domesticated, Iām good on the rug in the hall would be lying. " We all have different personal tasks in communicating with other people. These tasks are sometimes called "love", which only complicates the situation. After all, the main thing here is that a person learns to honestly admit at least to himself: what do I want? From life, from society, from a beloved ... Often people say to someone else: "I need nothing but love", "I live for you and I will give my life so that you feel good." It's a lie!
If a person says that he "does not need anything," it means: "I need everything, but ... I refuse everything here and now, so that I can be offered it from the outside." And if there is no offer, then the person begins to insist even more insistently that he lives "not for himself, but for others." For example, a wife reproaches her husband: "I gave you youth, beauty and health, and you are so unscrupulous ..." To which he replies: "I did not ask you to give." But he took it! He is lying too.
A person rarely confesses to himself or another person in his secret thoughts. He is afraid to offend someone, and sometimes moral standards do not allow him to do this. In general, people think that a certain reward is due for love. Nothing like this! In addition, statistics confirm that marriages of convenience are stronger, since respect prevails in them. "I would like to love the whole world, but ..."
Was the marriage traditional for Belarusians agreed upon by the relatives of young people more durable than a marriage of āfree choiceā? When marriage is dominated by respect, even conflict takes place in a different way. This does not deprive people of intimacy and not so traumatize them. And that love, in which a person constantly evaluates whether he is good or bad with a partner, and expects a certain degree of tension, hurts him. No wonder such love is compared with a disease. It is necessary to survive it, to get sick with it ... And here there are "chronicles", like those who are experiencing acute, violently. If a person does not respond to his love the way he expects, he feels lonely, misunderstood. How can one know what a person is in love? Very simple. Love is one of the manifestations of the essence of personality. But a person is manifested in other situations.
For example, Belarusians, like other Slavic peoples, had a good custom. When the owner used to hire a worker, he did not force him to plow the field right away. The man was invited to the table and watched how he eats, true, believing that he will work the same way. And the point is not whether the worker ate much or little, but how: accurately, hastily, eagerly ... As a person expresses himself in food, at a table, he will manifest himself in everything else. And in love too. But there is such a paradox: a person can bring another to himself and then he is terrorized. There are types of people who in many ways refuse their neighbors and themselves, but for the "distant" they do much more. They say about such people: āAh, what a good man!ā And for a normal person, the closer someone is, the better the attitude towards him, the further - the calmer the attitude. Many people are afraid of close relationships, reject love: "And why do you love me?" But there really is no question of a feeling of love.
A person can solve another personal problem. For example, to get married ... And for this you need to find the "object of love" and become the "object of love." But āmarriageā and āloveā are two different things. Are they completely incompatible? Partially. As in mathematics, intersecting sets. Sometimes it intersects a little, and everything else is completely different: thoughts, the purpose of life ... When a person asks a psychologist about love, he asks about his life as a whole. Who am I in this world? How do I exist in it? Is my life short or long? How many possibilities does she give me? Will I be able to use them? And psychodiagnostics can provide answers to these questions? Yes! Based on the prevailing stereotypes of human manifestations in the world, a psychologist can uniquely determine someoneās fate. A person himself often thinks that every time he acts in an original and creative way. But in fact, he repeats the same stereotype, which is simply "deciphered" by a psychologist.
This also applies to personal relationships. After all, people are attracted, attracted to each other by certain qualities of their own, but these relationships are always wider than just love. Any relationship between people is part of being. Responsibility for those whom we ātamedā, and dependence on ourselves. Should a person take responsibility for others? And how to determine the boundaries that can not be crossed?
There is a phrase: "This is not my problem." But in real life this does not happen! If a neighbor has a problem, it concerns his entire immediate environment. The neighbor is nervous, often goes out to smoke on the stairwell, and all the residents are already getting nervous. This is my problem if something happened to the neighbor. All people are connected, all depend on each other, and therefore must support each other. Do not break this "bunch". But it also happens that a person loses the ability to distinguish where his life is and where is a stranger. Then he usually says: āthis is not my problemā, āthis is not my loveā or āthis and this is my life. āMoreover, the parent can completelyā capture āthe child and prevent him from developing.
For example, a mother is seventy years old, her son is fifty. He is a very normal man. But single. Why? And mother says: āThey donāt suit usā ... When the son needs to go out, he hears: āPut on your hat, the sun is baking there.ā In such cases, mothers "absorb" the children and thus solve their problem of "love." After all, love can be strangled! But in life, everything is interconnected. Even when "other people's problems" fall on you - this is normal. But the problem is experience, tension, suffering ... But is suffering the normal state of a person? The good ... It exalts, but it destroys - whoever likes more. A man suffers and understands that he lives not in vain: he is busy with business! True, suffering is genuine and imaginary. The genuine cannot be invented.
Extreme event, death of loved ones ... But even then, a normal person does not lose his will to live. And sometimes, it happens, "the soul hurts," but this condition depends on the person himself. He just needs to talk with people of a certain type in order to "suffer" later. For example, the situation: the daughter-in-law hates the mother-in-law. She is dying. The daughter-in-law feels the severity of the loss - she no longer has anyone to throw out the accumulated negative emotions. The connection of these people was very tight.
And in general: if suffering is a manās favorite emotion, it is easy to predict what will happen to his love. He will constantly seek and find the opportunity to suffer, because otherwise his life is not a joy. So he will "grow" suffering intentionally? Of course, sometimes even using religion for this. Like, people donāt understand, but God will understand. However, conversion to faith also happens to be genuine and imaginary.
Human behavior is very "voluminous." Therefore, do not force to re-educate such a "sufferer." There is a general psychological principle: if a person is well, do not bother him. Even if this is bad for others? We need to teach others to feel good too! ... or myths of love? Sometimes one person seeks to "capture", subjugate another, but as soon as he reaches his goal, he loses all interest in the object ... These are typical "hunters". And some are engaged in "farming": they cultivate a cornfield, grow crops; others - "gathering": wandering through the woods, finding something from case to case. "Nomads" wander from person to person, from one woman to another, trying to capture more territory. Give the other "Tatar-Mongols" all of Europe!
And there are also "fishermen" who like to cook tackles, bait, and then sort it out whether they caught the fish and what to do with it ... Again, we will catch it. Network? With dynamite? And all this is a relationship! "Hunters" is a classic. The distribution of roles, in principle, remains unchanged. We are talking about the traditional, but we are talking about our contemporaries. And now, probably, a man and a woman differently understand the love relationship? Of course.
There are many myths about love. For example, that a man is hypersexual and is constantly looking for women who are ready to surrender to him. But a woman can try, if they are strongly attached to her, say: yes, now, Iām undressing ... Most likely, with such "non-feminine" behavior a man will be dumbfounded and "slow down". Another myth.
I asked many men how they understood the womanās answer: āNo, no, no, never and never!ā Men usually say: "So she agrees." And the more persistently IT says āNo!ā, The more HE perceives this as a signal to action. Indeed, men and women have different types of consciousness. Letās take a look at marriage. And here myths are enduring.
Many men can argue that they do not need a marriage: this, they say, was wanted only by a woman. In fact, they are very afraid to be refused, to hear from a woman: "I will not marry you." After all, a husband and a lover are different personalities. Husband to be harder. Because of the fear of taking responsibility, a man often chooses for himself a "narrow scope."
What does a woman want? In my opinion, it is not uncommon to be both married and have a āsponsorā. And, suspecting this, the man chooses who to become: a "sponsor" or a husband. In general, no matter how many people say that they are freer outside marriage, they thereby put themselves in opposition to society and cannot obviously cross the interpersonal barrier themselves. Learning love? The feeling of love is not inherent in all people, as well as a sense of humor or irony.
There are emotions: a sense of affection, pleasure, joy or sadness ... But emotions are not yet a spiritual feeling. And if a spiritual feeling arises ... can it be called free love? Yes. Freedom is when a person is aware of what is happening to him and what he wants. Myself and another. When he is ready to accept love and live with this feeling. But living with him is not easy - a little pleasure.
The life of people with a developed ability for love is hard. And for those who are loved, it is not always so easy: love is too heavy a feeling, it "burdens" a person. Maybe you just need to learn love - just as a person learns to walk, talk, read? Maybe ... But people think: is there enough of a lifetime for this? And they begin to love the images born of their imagination, or animals. It's easier. And itās hard to love a person, because there are so many things in him, and different things, moreover ...
Itās good, of course, to love for achievements, for strength, beauty, even for torment. "You fell in love with me for torment, and I loved you for compassion for them." But try it ONLY to āsympathizeā with someone else ... But if you imagine that a person is accepted as he is? And do you know such examples in life?
The stronger the love, the less likely it is that a person adequately perceives another. If people want to build long-term, stable and lasting relationships, they must respect each other. If you want to get emotional glows, bursts, and then cooling - please, plunge into love! They say that without freedom there is no love, and with love there is no freedom.
Why is there "no freedom"? Why does a person have a feeling that he is limited? It all depends on the range of personality. Some people demand that they āopen their heartsā in front of them, and believe that this is the only possible relationship. But the range of such a person is small.
And there are people with a huge personal range, but they do not let anyone into their souls and have every right to do so. Well, if two people have approximately the same spiritual space, but there is also a scale. For great people it is huge. The smaller the person, the less massive his personality. And if people of different sizes love each other, itās hard for them together.
It's like two maps: one is an atlas of the world, the other is a topographic map of one village ... I really like the word "generosity". But quality is extremely rare!
A magnanimous person cannot be humiliated, insulted, he is able to forgive others for their weaknesses ... But for this you must be a genius. But what about a normal, not a "brilliant" person? Change your scale. Engage in the education of your soul. To learn from your mistakes? Smart people learn from strangers ... At least read books!
After all, everything has been written about Anna Karenina, so why not take an example from her? Because everyone considers himself smarter than the other. āIt can't be with meā? Yes, a person does not want to see the obvious. In fact, a good book is a textbook of life. Everything is written there, nothing new can be invented.
When asked the question "What to do?", I want to answer: read books! Read Russian literature. And know that this is not fiction, but only a reflection of life itself. It seems that we are talking about love, but all the time it turns out that the meaning of life ... After all, love is not the goal. The more actively you strive for it, the more it eludes you. As, however, is another: creativity, fame ... The less you hold on to something, the more chances it is to āgetā something and keep it.