Husband's betrayal: is it worth forgiving, how to survive? Psychologist's advice

Betrayal of a loved one is the hardest blow for any woman. In one second, the world turns upside down and is filled with black colors. A new gamut of emotions covers the woman with her head: pain, rage, resentment, disappointment. In this state, it’s easy to “break a lot of firewood” and make irreparable mistakes. But stop, pull yourself together and think, is it possible to forgive the betrayal?

"A Sound of Thunder!"

Each woman learns about her husband’s infidelity in her own way. Some have long suspected the faithful of all sins and finally find convincing evidence of treason. Others learn about everything through random SMS, and for others, the news of betrayal becomes completely unexpected. In any case, this awareness is a huge stress for a woman, which she does not always manage to cope with.

PTSD

On the stress scale of Holmes and Ray, infidelity is equated to the death of one of the spouses. It is these emotions that overwhelm the deceived woman. Before her ability to think soberly and make informed decisions will return to her, she must go through five stages of making a situation:

1. Shock. At this stage, it seems to the woman that everything that happened to her is someone’s ridiculous fiction and even direct evidence of betrayal cannot make her believe in her husband’s betrayal.
2. Deal. At this stage, women make the most mistakes. They begin to make many mutually exclusive actions in the hope of returning everything "as it was before."
3. Aggression. Anger caused by cheating on her husband must inevitably have a way out. At this moment, noisy scandals begin with beating dishes and recriminations. It was during this period that the deceived woman with all her actions reports: "You betrayed me and it hurts me!"
4. Sadness. This stage is characterized by long and painful memories of a happy past before the appearance of a rival. A woman becomes inert, takes a long time to review photos and painfully reacts to friends' stories about her family happiness.
5. Reconciliation. A woman resigns herself to the situation, and her first thoughts begin to visit her about whether to forgive her husband’s betrayal. She begins to weigh the pros and cons, trying to somehow plan her future life. It is at this stage that you can begin negotiations with your husband and try to establish a life together.

How long does post-traumatic mental disorder last?

Professional psychologists advise against making radical decisions until all five stages have been completed. Each woman has a different period of time. It depends on the age, upbringing and social status of the lady. On average, the journey from “shock” to “reconciliation” takes about three months, which is best spent away from the unfaithful husband. Excessive quarrels and scandals will only exacerbate the already difficult situation. Do not approach serious changes in life, guided by grievances and emotions.

Love and betrayal: a feminine look

Psychologically, it is very difficult for a woman to understand the cause of treason, and she plunges into the abyss of self-digging in search of the culprit. In this process, she can make many mistakes that will significantly affect her self-esteem and future life. So what happens to a woman who knows about her husband’s betrayal:

1. A woman with irresistible force seeks at least one eye to see her rival. Doing this is not worth it under any pretext. The rival’s visualization will only aggravate the state of depression and longing in which the deceived wife is immersed. Think about it, if the rival turns out to be younger, more beautiful and more successful, what impact on your pride will it inflict? Psychologists note that the image of the rival is practically imprinted in the woman’s consciousness, and she begins to cultivate flaws in herself (obvious or imaginary), causing self-pity on the part of the spouse and friends. To get out of this state, she will need many months of careful work on herself. Most likely, the help of a professional psychoanalyst will be needed.
2. The woman blames herself for everything that happened. Most often, such a reaction occurs in women with a victim's psychotype. The cheated wife seeks to rectify the situation and become several times better than her rival. She dampens the anger caused by treason, and activates the functions of the mother, mistress and mistress, bringing them almost to perfection. Unfortunately, this path cannot help a woman survive her husband’s betrayal, and after a while she comes to the stage of aggression. In especially difficult cases, suppression of anger can lead a deceived woman to a clinic of neurosis, quite often neurosis provokes the appearance of other diseases, such as an ulcer and cancer.
3. Overly emotional persons pour out all their pain on the man. They see only him as the culprit of the betrayal and in every way remind him of what happened. Unfortunately, a woman is not able to think rationally at such moments, and with her behavior she repels her husband. After a while, when emotions calm down, a woman can understand that the family is already lost and the man made the final decision, choosing a rival.

It is worth noting that any reaction of a woman to her husband’s betrayal is a normal and natural attempt to survive the situation. The main thing is that a woman allows herself to throw out negative emotions and with a sober head approaches a solution to a problem. If for six months she can’t cope with her emotions and her husband’s betrayal still causes her uncontrollable anger, you need to contact a specialist who will help you come to the stage of “reconciliation” with the betrayal.

Why is he cheating?

A major role in solving the problem of betrayal is played by a clear understanding of the mechanism of male adultery. For a woman, love and betrayal are absolutely incompatible things. A loving wife will always be faithful to her man and accept him with all the shortcomings. The male psyche is arranged differently, and different factors can serve as the cause of treason.

• Rejection Syndrome. Very often, men experience manifestations of maternal dislike in early childhood. The mother is constantly dissatisfied with her son, does not pay attention to him, leaves him alone for a long time. This kind of behavior is characterized by peculiar “swings” - today I love my son and allow him everything, and tomorrow I push him away and leave him alone. Such maternal love has a huge impact on the psyche of a child. A man who has grown up under such conditions will almost certainly cheat on his woman. He quickly becomes disappointed in the fair sex and after the first love passes, he immediately goes in search of a new lover. If at the time of falling in love a man managed to marry a woman he liked, then most likely he will begin to cheat on her in two to three months.
• The man is a daffodil. Men of this psychological nature are more prone to betrayal than others. "Narcissus" perceives only its feelings, desires and needs. He is not able to sacrifice his interests for the sake of a partner. Such men are very sensitive to compliments addressed to them and are almost always ready to prove their masculinity. Moreover, the wife is not perceived by the “narcissus” man as an independent person who has certain rights in marriage.
  
• Middle age crisis. Most often, the betrayal of a husband who has reached middle age and has sensed the onset of the crisis is isolated. The man believes that he has achieved little in his life, or, conversely, spent his whole life on achieving the well-being of the family, not realizing his own desires and dreams. Most often, the spouse becomes guilty of this unfulfillment. It seems to the man that another woman would make his life more colorful and interesting.
• The accumulation of disagreement. The most common cause of male adultery is a mountain of accumulated disagreements and contradictions. Most often this happens when during the life of the couple they have not been able to solve some of their problems, suppressing them or considering them not serious. At a certain point, this “abscess” is revealed and the man finds understanding in the arms of a colleague or casual acquaintance.

After analyzing the situation due to which the man betrayed her, a woman can come to the beginning of the search for a way out of this difficult conflict. Most often there are only two ways:

• the adoption of the situation and the continuation of life together (if a man changes by virtue of character, then be prepared for a repeat of the situation, but a single betrayal provoked by problems in the family is likely to never happen again);
• preparation of documents for divorce.

Whatever the reason for the betrayal, before saying "You betrayed me!" and to make a fateful decision, it is required to consider the problem from several parties.

News of Treason

Before deciding to divorce, it is worth analyzing how the news of the betrayal came to the family. Of course, it is necessary to start such an analysis after all the emotions have settled down, and only if the woman has come close to the moment of making the decision. There are a great many options to learn about betrayal, but two of them clearly indicate that the man does not want to ruin his family and break off relations with his wife:

1. Deliberately ostentatious evidence of treason. In some cases, men deliberately do everything to be caught by their other half. They leave open pages on social networks, put in a prominent place a telephone with intimate correspondence or a check from the store. All these actions have as their purpose only one thing - to show the spouse that her urgent intervention and changes in the family are required.
2. Conversation with a rival. Many women learn about the betrayal of the missus from the rival herself. She can call or come to a meeting to tell the details of her tumultuous romance. Do not show your emotions and instantly break off relations with your husband. Most often, it is precisely this reaction that the rival hopes for. As practice shows, such an act is pushed by her futile expectation of decisive action on the part of her lover. A man refuses to leave the family and continues his relationship with his wife, so the decision to open his eyes to treason becomes the only way to provoke his wife to divorce an unfaithful spouse.

If you learned about a betrayal in any of the above ways, then you have every chance to save the marriage and start all over again.

Preparing an important conversation

A conversation with an unfaithful husband requires maximum preparation and tension of the nervous system from a woman. Keep in mind that during the conversation some “pitfalls” may come up that you need to be prepared for:

• not always cheating on a husband is a betrayal (many men do not consider physical cheating a good reason to destroy a family);
• denial of guilt (quite often men instinctively shift responsibility for what happened to the shoulders of the wife and lover);
• rejection of a serious conversation "heart to heart".

Remember that a surge of negative emotions will adversely affect communication with your husband, try not only to express your grievances, but also to hear his explanations. Do not try to play any role, this will not lead to a good result. Talk about your resentment, pain, disappointment, but do it calmly and as distantly as possible. Do not be afraid to ask your husband questions and hear answers to them. Perhaps this conversation will clarify many points in your family that you have not even noticed before. Ideally, an honest and open conversation should tell you how to live after your husband’s betrayal.

The beginning of the way out of the crisis

If the conversation "heart to heart" took place and you still decided to maintain your relationship, then be prepared for a long and difficult job. First of all, listen to your feelings. What would you like? How do you dream to build your life? What needs to be changed? How to forget her husband’s betrayal and start all over again? Most likely, you will not find the answers to these questions right away. And, believe me, you will never find it alone. You need to be in close contact with your husband, voicing all your emotions and desires. Many couples who successfully survived this stage noted that they had never been so close to each other as after the betrayal. For most of them, the appearance of a mistress became the motive for serious and positive changes in family life.

How to get rid of a rival?

Usually, after making a situation and deciding to keep the family, a woman expects that the situation with the rival will resolve itself. But, unfortunately, the lovebird does not disappear anywhere, and the woman finds herself in a new circle of grievances and claims. Many wives set an ultimatum and every day remind the husband of their nobility and his guilt in front of the family. This situation takes the couple to a new round of conflict, which often leads to the separation of the spouses. How to behave in this situation? How to trust her husband after betrayal? How to make sure that a rival has disappeared forever from your life? Carefully observe the behavior of the husband, most often he will compare two women to make a final decision. You should not be perfect and wait for a new day with fear. Take care of yourself and stop worrying about cheating on your husband. A woman who often leaves the house is engaged in her appearance and leaves free time for any occupation that develops her personality, always causes interest in a man. Feel free to leave your children with your husband and ask him to spend time with them. The more time your man gives to his family, the more negativity he will receive from his rival. As a result, the decision to save the family will seem to him the most faithful and only right. Of course, confidence in her husband will not be restored in a few days or even months. But visiting a family psychologist, reading special books, or buying audio lectures can help you here. You will be surprised when you find out how many women have encountered a similar problem. Each answered the question of how to believe her husband after betrayal, and found her own ways to forgive her husband.

How to survive a husband’s betrayal: advice from a psychologist

Summarizing all of the above, it is safe to say that cheating is not the end of a relationship. According to statistics, many families are even closer and stronger, having survived the betrayal. To save the family and regain themselves, psychologists advise to carefully listen to the following recommendations:

• be calm and self-confident, men cannot stand tears and violent tantrums;
• analyze the motives of the spouse, pushing him to treason;
• your main weapon in the fight against a rival is humor, such a woman always remains out of competition;
• throw out all your negativity, but when the spouse is not nearby;
• forgive your husband, even if you decide to part with him, the ability to forgive will ease your soul and make you stronger;
• Know how to bear responsibility for the decision made (if you keep the family, then exclude the charges against the spouse);
• ask your husband for help in overcoming grievances (a man always strives to be a knight and will do everything possible to regain your confidence in him);
• Improve yourself as a woman (every day strive to be better than yourself yesterday);
• learn to actively listen to your interlocutor (do not just nod and agree with your husband, but really perceive his problems and troubles).

Be above the situation, and then betrayal will not be the element that in an instant will destroy the family you have carefully built to the ground.