Every fall, October 31, the whole world celebrates the mystical holiday of Halloween, jokes about which have come down to us. This sinister, at first glance, holiday turns into sometimes the cutest collection of evil spirits of all stripes. Characters cause not so much horror as a smile. Spend such a holiday either in the company of friends, or at theme parties with cocktails from dead water.
Otherworldly jokes
If you are going to relax in good company, then without good jokes about Halloween it will not do here. Stock up on marshmallows, sweets, popcorn and gather your friends, for example, around a fire. The highlight of the program will not be chilling stories, but funny jokes and jokes about Halloween. High-quality humor is guaranteed to provide you with an unforgettable pastime and a sea of ​​smile-grins gathered at the festival of the devil's henchmen.
In this article, you will find selective, full of black humor and avid sarcasm short jokes for Halloween. The main thing here is not to die of laughter (or fear?).
The best Halloween jokes about all evil spirits
Conversation of two vampires:
- Comrade, do you like that long-legged blonde along the way?
“I actually look at the fat man next to her for a long time.” Just think, it’s as much as one and a half liters of blood more!
Werewolf conversation in a German forest:
- How are you, soaring?
- I’m completely unbearable for me now! Once he dragged away the chicken from local farmers, so then they drove me all night through the fields with snowmobiles.
- Eh, but what was I talking about? Let's rush to the Russian woman - there they revere werewolves, give epaulets, they take them to work.
Night outing
Halloween Night. One of the graves spits out on the surface of a zombie, which goes to its cross and begins to twist it intently. His neighbor crawls out of another grave and indignantly says:
- Petya, are you shy?
- That shoto internet is messing up
Pillar
Three vampires in the form of bats hang on a tree - one Frenchman, another Englishman, a third Chukchi.
The Frenchman took off and flew to seek prey, returned in fifteen minutes with blood on his lips. Friends and ask him:
- Oops, who was it?
- See this castle? - the Frenchman answers. - A beautiful girl sleeps on the second floor, I flew in through the window and drank her blood.
Then, in search of blood, the Englishman flew away. After a while, he returns with blood on his face. Comrades and ask him:
- Where did you find it?
- He was at the stable. There the mare was so luxurious, bulk, drank her blood!
The vampire from Chukotka went hunting. Bloodied is coming back.
“Wow, how did you manage to drink so much blood?”
“See the pillar over there?” - Chukchi answers.
- Well, see.
- But I did not see.
Halloween Jokes
- Sasha, whom will you play on Halloween? - Drunk alcoholic! - Again ?!
Those who insist that the holiday of the rotting west of Halloween does not suit Russia, either know little Halloween, or Russia.
On Halloween, children dress up in evil spirits and beg for sweets. This is the only day of the year when a girl can mow down under a whore, while maintaining a decent status.
- Son, what is this your Halloween? - Well, dad, this is when all the kickimores, witches and mermaids gather in one place and arrange a coven. - Do not confuse me with Halloween and March 8!
Every Halloween, a bbw has a dilemma: what would be more terrible to put on yourself - leggings, a miniskirt or leggings?
A conversation between two men: - I have a terribly scary wife. Yesterday, I ventured to fulfill marital duty. - How did you decide? “Well, Halloween.”
- How do you make up for Halloween?
- I don’t need to be painted ...
Girl chooses a costume in the store for a party in honor of Halloween. - How much does a mermaid costume cost? - Seven thousand. - Wow, how expensive! What about a bat? - Five thousand. “Hm, it's expensive anyway.” What about the costume of this Baba Yaga? - Girl, you are pointing to the mirror.
“Barrymore, what the hell is on the street?” “Halloween sir.” - What kind of fruit is this? “The evening of all saints, sir.” “Then why do they all look like ghouls and devils?” “They believe that the demons who came out through the gates of spirits that opened on the Celtic New Year’s Day will take them for their own and will not touch them.” “So, and the saints here, what side?” “Sir, this is just an excuse to get drunk.”
“I'll make a payday suit for Halloween.” - Will you be late again?
If the day of the week was a symbol of Halloween, then, clearly, it would be Monday.
“How do you come to Halloween?” - No way, I’ll rather be myself: I will cut the truth-uterus. I answer, this is the worst thing that could have come up.
Girl and Vampires
Two vampires are sitting on the grave, and a little girl runs around them. She runs and teases them. Shows them.
- Give it back, please! - the vampires are asking her to return something.
- And do not wait!
“Well, please, do you want us to kneel before you ?!”
“So I believed you!”
The werewolf sees this scene. He stops and looks at the prankster.
“Listen, guys, what are you talking about with her ?!” Eat and deal with the end!
- Yeah, I ran, she has our teeth!
Jokes are bad with heart
A black coffin is riding on the street on small wheels. So I drove up to the house, went into the porch, went up to the ninth floor, pressed the bell button. The door was opened to him by a young girl. The coffin opens, a vampire flies out of it and shouts:
- Heart, give your heart! ... just kidding, of course! You became the lucky day - you won 40 percent discount on the disc of a popular rock star! Girl hey girl! I was joking! Why are you blue ?!
Delivery
Calm and good to lie a vampire in a coffin, no one touches. Suddenly - a knock on the lid of the coffin.
- What the hell did it bring there?
- Your personal postman. Forgot what? A letter has arrived in the mailbox!
Lost is back
One woman turned to a magic salon for a specific purpose. At the doorstep she is met by a kind of colorful Hottabych in a hoodie with a crystal ball, wand and other nonsense and asks about the purpose of her visit. Well, the woman says:
- My work is not so hot, it is difficult to feed three children, and my husband, a scoundrel, went to a young woman. I'll pay as much as you need, just return the breadwinner to the family!
Of course, the sorcerer’s lip isn’t a fool, he answers her:
- Everything will work out, I promise. Put 1000 rubles in cash. If you have problems, come to the second session.
Crying women leaves the magician’s office. A week later, this madame returns to the salon, but now she is scared and very shabby. The sorcerer asks:
- Didn’t your husband return?
In response hears:
- He returned, returned, but the first one, which she buried 10 years ago.
Bad influence
Once a drug addict is sitting in a cemetery and smoking weed. Night. Moon. Full Halloween. To complete the picture, a dead man crawls out from the grave near him and, annoyed by the presence of the boy, decides to scare him a little. He approaches him and says:
- Hey, let me drag out!
The addict did not blink an eye, handed him a cigarette. The dead man dragged on, walked away and thinks that, apparently, he doesn’t look scary enough. He tore his whole skin on himself, tore his eye and made a second attempt.
- Hey, man, let me drag out the miserable one more time!
The addict calmly replies:
- Well, drag out.
The dead man departed and began to think, how could he frighten the fearless guy. Tore off his leg and arm, crawls to a drug addict.
- Let me drag out again !!!
Addict and answers him:
- Nope, I won’t give it!
- Why so ???
“It is bad for your health!”
Wrong turn
Once, three fellows fell into the hands of a vampire: American, German and Russian. He tells them that if there is someone among them who can make him laugh, he will be released into the wild.
The American began to joke, but his jokes were flat: his bloodlet curled up in the throat of a vampire.
The Germans suffered the same fate.
And the Russian offered to drag on a cigarette. The vampire agreed, although he did not understand how this would help the Russian laugh him.
They smoked, smoked vigorous grass, after a whole hour they gaggled under the fly agaric.
Releases, therefore, resourceful Russian vampire.
But it was not there. Only the Russian is on the threshold - shast, on his shoulder a vampire palm has settled down.
The vampire apologized for wanting him to eat after laughing, and this is the end of the tale.
Atypical jokes
- Mom, mom, I met with my grandmother! “I told you a thousand times not to dig deep into the sandbox, fidget!”
Postcard mother-in-law: "Dear, dear mother-in-law! I congratulate you with all my heart on Halloween - your professional holiday!"
Why do not all ghosts appear in public on Halloween? Some simply do not find a comfortable neck.
According to the Halloween dictionary, flying into a pipe means contacting evil spirits.
Spray aerosol "Bald Mountain" will help keep your hairstyle spotless while flying on a broomstick, even in very windy weather.
Riddle: "Around the cemetery passes, but does not move, what is it?" Guess: "Fence!"
Hallmark on Halloween: "The black cat unfortunately breaks your mirror with an empty bucket."
Perhaps one of the worst Halloween jokes is the following: “The pathologist’s nightmare: grateful clients constantly call him.”
Halloween for kids
Children's jokes about Halloween include the following:
“Cinderella, do not forget that at midnight your head will become a pumpkin! - so the good fairy screamed after the departing carriage.
Cinderella, of course, did not hear her. Long live Halloween! ”
“- I met Halloween in a horse costume.
- Mane and apples?
“No, he took the coat from dad.”
Finally, we read one of the sparkling jokes about Halloween on KVN:
Halloween is the only day of the year when you can give the following compliment to a corporate girl: "You're so scary!" and do not get in the face.
Ready for the holiday!
If you have already celebrated this holiday, do not despair. Set aside these Halloween jokes for next year. With a 99 percent probability, your friends will appreciate this approach. Do not miss the opportunity to give people positive emotions at least on holidays.
It is hoped that you were satisfied with the Halloween jokes selected for this article!