The very thought of losing health scares us. And as you know, one of the few universal ways to get rid of any fear is to laugh at it. And the goals of this have always been successfully served with short humorous stories with an unexpected ending - jokes. In this case, on medical topics. It seems that they will never lose their relevance.
Below we have collected for you a lot of jokes about doctors and their patients.
At the doctor
Many "medical" stories tell about clinics and appointments with doctors.
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Two women are talking:
- Here Malysheva on TV always says: before you go on a diet, do fitness or go on a trip, consult your doctor. I went to my local police yesterday. I say: this way and that, I’m going to the Seychelles, I’ll live in a five-star hotel with a jacuzzi, a swimming pool and a gym. Can I supposedly eat passion fruit and carambola and what wine is more beneficial to drink lobster meat?
- And what is he?
- Cried and sent me to hell!
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A good district clinic is the one where the doctor, looking the patient in the throat, highlights himself with a tenth iPhone.
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In the clinic at the reception:
- Tell me, does the urologist accept?
- Yes, not the right word, thumps in black!
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Doctor examining a leaflet with analysis:
- I'm sorry, but you definitely have hepatitis ...
- A?
- Be ...
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“My wife is perfectly healthy.” The doctor cured her of all the sores in a minute!
- Like this?
“He simply said that all her ailments are connected with the approaching old age.”
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- Doctor, I feel bad!
- Where's bad?
- In the anus.
“What could be good there?”
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At the reception:
- Doctor, but ...
- Shut up! I'm listening to you!
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- Doctor, and what kind of strange letters are written in my card - “HZ”?
- It's in Latin, sick. Means that the diagnosis is not yet clear.
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- Doctor, I inject like a horse, fight on ice like a fish, get tired like a dog ... What am I to do?
- I do not know, try to contact the veterinarian.
In the hospital
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A nurse enters the ward in the evening:
- Sick, wake up! It's time to take sleeping pills.
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The man was hospitalized with a concussion, a dislocated arm and a broken nose. The doctor asks during the examination:
“Why are you in an accident?”
- Nah, he sneezed in the closet.
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The doctor dictates:
- So ... Sick Ivanov. Cranial injury ...
He is corrected:
- Not cranial, but cranial.
“What kind of brains are there when he pinned his wife and lover's birthday?”
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The patient comes to life after surgery:
- What happened with me?
- You got into a car accident. You have been operated on.
“So I'm in the hospital?”
- Well, basically, yes.
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A man comes to the hospital. And they tell him:
- You have a girl. Three two hundred.
“Look,” he says, pulling out his wallet, “and not at all.”
About surgeons
They say surgeons are like sappers. True, with a huge caveat: sappers make mistakes once in their lives, and surgeons make mistakes once, but in the patient’s life.
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The surgeon asks before the operation:
- Sister, what do we have for today?
- Two lungs - one fell from the fifth floor, the other was crushed by a tower crane. And one heavy one: he refused to wash the dishes.
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After operation:
- Doctor, where are my legs? I just can’t find them!
- That's right. We have amputated your hands.
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A young surgeon arrives, right after the institute, for his first operation. Pulls out a smartphone:
- Ok Google, how to remove appendicitis?
About psychiatrists and their patients
Jokes about doctors dealing with mental problems, and their patients are also very numerous.
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“To get rid of depression, think about something pleasant,” the doctor advises the patient. - Have you had any joyful event lately?
- How so! It was! - the patient smiles, - A neighbor bought a “Kiu” and on the very first day crashed into it on a pole!
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- Doctor, my wife is sick. She has an obsession that someone is going to steal her clothes.
- Why did you decide so?
“I saw the man she hired to guard her junk.” He was sitting in her closet.
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The psychiatrist says, prescribing the patient:
“Congratulations, darling.” I see that you are healthy and no longer consider yourself Napoleon.
- Yes Yes! Thank you very much, doctor! But what about Josephine? She requires child support!
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Should I go to a psychiatrist? - asked Ivan. Opinions are divided.
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The doctor, very pleased, hiding at the table the money received from his patient:
“Well then, darling, my psychological problem has been resolved.” Now turn to yours.
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- Dear doctor! Thanks to you, I have recovered from megalomania! Now I am the owner of incredible, unsurpassed, phenomenal and, not afraid of the word, fantastic modesty.
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- Doctor, I caught a cold because of you!
- Why do you think so?
“Well, well, you told me to refuse dinner.” And I stood all night in front of an open refrigerator, looked at the sausage, and so it blew me ...
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At the appointment with the therapist:
“Doctor, I have no friends at all!” Just the same! Can you help me with something, a small, fat, smelly old man?
An autopsy will show. Black medical humor
Sometimes jokes about the hospital and patients sound quite evil and cynical. But they often understand this not in our country, but in other places where the patient care system is arranged completely differently.
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Someone entered the room:
- Who did your tests here yesterday?
“I ...” one patient answers him.
- How tall are you?
“One hundred and seventy, doctor.”
“I'm not a doctor, I'm a carpenter.”
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Morgue call:
- Hello! Our grandfather was gone. We’ve been looking for three days already, could you check with yourself?
“Does your grandfather have any special signs?”
- There is! He burrs.
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There is an operation. Suddenly from under the table is heard:
- Meow!
The surgeon yells:
- Scatter!
From under the table again the same thing:
- Meow!
Surgeon:
- Well, scat!
Cat:
- Meow!
The doctor, cutting off something from the patient and throwing something under the table:
- Yes, choke on!
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Telephone call:
- Hello! Tell me, did I go to the morgue?
“No, you just called here.”
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-Doctor, will I live?
- What's the point?
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The conclusion read: "An autopsy showed that the cause of the death of A. A. Petrov was an autopsy."
Jokes about dystrophics
It is believed that these creepy stories, as another kind of jokes about medicine, developed during the lean and hungry years - in one of the most difficult times for the people. Someone else remembers that in the 80-90s of the XX century they were retold and supplemented by modern realities quite actively. It may well be that according to anecdotes it would be worthwhile to study the history of the country - for modern listeners, jokes about dystrophics cause an already slight sense of bewilderment.
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Dystrophics are sitting in the ward. One asks, looking around:
- Vasya, where are you? Look, Vaska was crushed with a sheet!
Dystrophics are trying to help the poor fellow, but no one has the strength. After a while, one, gasping, says:
- Run someone into the fifth chamber for Gosha. He is strong. He wears a T-shirt.
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A doctor entering the ward in the morning:
- Hello, eagles!
“What are you, doctor, what kind of eagles are we?”
- And who flew yesterday when the fan was turned on here?
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Weigh at a physical examination for dystrophy:
- How much do you weigh?
- Three grams!
- And I'm five!
- And I'm eight!
- Well, you fatty!
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A nurse walks past the dystrophic chamber, suddenly he hears a scream:
- Help! Save!
- Where are you? she asks, running into the room.
“Under the plaster,” they answer. - Bedbugs dragged us here.
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Distroof at an open window:
- Well, again, leaf fall, how many good people will die under the leaves ...
Medicine is paid and free
Over time, stories that describe the everyday life of the Aesculapius taking money for their services become more and more relevant. And if the jokes about free medicine ridiculed the negligence and ignorance of doctors, then the "new" jokes took a slightly different tone.
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- Sick, you have a nail in your head. Pulling it out costs ten thousand.
- But I have a policy! - the one is indignant. “You owe me an operation for free!”
- For free we can bend it so as not to interfere.
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In the clinic of plastic surgery:
“Doctor, why is my new eye so small?”
“Well, what did you want?” Normal eye "Made in China."
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They say that they came up with paid medicine so that even healthy people have the opportunity to doubt their health.
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- Doctor, I have constipation!
Doctor sighing:
- So I don’t have a Mercedes at all ...
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The patient calls:
- Hello! Tell me, can I call a doctor at home on credit?
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“Doctor, could you find another illness in me?” I can’t afford this.
Jokes about medicine and money "got" even to the pharmacy:
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In just ten sessions of manual therapy, fifty thousand dollars were resolved in the patient, which he himself considered inoperable.
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- Do you have activated carbon?
- Now activated do not release. We have one, and the seller holds out the package.
The buyer picks up the medicine and perplexedly reads the inscription: "Coal is inactive. You can activate the drug by sending an SMS with the word" coal "to the number ..."
Ads in medical facilities
But the best jokes about medicine are, of course, ads appearing on the walls of medical institutions. The paramedics themselves hang them, often without even knowing how ridiculous the text of the message looks.
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"An urgently needed nurse with the skills of a house painter and plasterer. Contact office number 12. Administration."
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"To the attention of patients! Due to the increasing incidence of the threat of terrorist acts, feces for analysis are accepted only in transparent containers."
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"The hose from the fire hydrant is in the enema. The keys are with the nurse."
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An action was carried out in the clinic and an ad was placed on the wall: "A nurse who doesn’t wear a shoe cover gives a ticket to the dentist out of turn!"
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On the cabinet door:
"Reception is conducted by the doctor of Uzi of the highest category Zaletova Marianna Sergeevna."
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In the registry window:
"Dear patients! Appointments by the doctor over the Internet are made in box number 4. On Thursdays from 8:00 to 10:00. You should have a medical certificate and passport with you."
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"Patients paying for treatment. To get to the checkout, you should leave the building, turn left, go to the barrier. The cashier is located in a three-story administrative building on the second floor."
We hope that the best funny jokes about medicine gathered here amused you.