Literally, the meaning of the words "abuser" is: abuse - violence, and abuser - a person who commits violence, going beyond the permissible limits. He insults, humiliates and scoffs morally at close people.
Christian from 50 Shades of Gray is a prime example of what the emotional type abuser is. He controls all aspects of relations with Anastasia, using isolation, stalking, threats and humiliation. The emotional abuse for this couple begins after the first meeting and until the last interaction that we see in the novel.
Key Definitions
An abuser is not just a moral and physical “home” rapist, but an owner who constantly monitors the behavior of a partner. He must know where his woman is. Jealousy is the middle name of such a person. Relations in a pair are arranged so that a woman will always be asked to go somewhere and make excuses due to the slightest delay or route changes.
Abyuzer obsessively calls and can begin to follow, makes scandals on the slightest occasion. It leads to hysteria, checks communication with other people on the phone and social networks. A person with normal self-esteem and the psyche does not have the painful need for constant monitoring and verification of partner behavior.
Abyuzer is a person who improperly treats loved ones, exerting pressure on them, most often moral and physical.
Painful control
You can live with an abuser for a long time and not suspect about it, but justify the behavior of such a person by the fact that:
- he has a screw loose;
- gets tired at work;
- he has stress;
- he is an alcoholic;
- he has an unrestrained character.
When drunk, a man does not hit passers-by, but raises his hand only at his children and wife. Due to stress at work, he does not make scandals to colleagues or friends, but he brings household tantrums. The true reason for this behavior is to gain control over defenseless people, over your woman, destroy her as an independent person and dictate your own behavior. For abusers, a woman is a source of hatred, not love and respect.
They are sure that they have a certain status in relation to their wife and children, so the chosen one should think and care only about him. The house is kept clean, the food is tasty, fresh and served at the exact time, the socks are washed, the shirts are ironed. For him, his wife is not a close person, but a servant, moreover, one who can criticize and devalue her work.
Who is an abuser and how to recognize him, or a fairy tale with a bad ending
It is extremely difficult to recognize an abuser at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is so romantic and beautiful - these people can be sophisticated and sophisticated in their behavior. A woman in love never wants to pay attention to the minor flaws of her man. And when the candy-bouquet time passes, what was noticed by the edge of consciousness becomes obvious facts.
The sophistication of the abuser lies in the fact that he gives the woman everything that she wants from a relationship. Weasel and care - there will be a lot of tenderness, constant SMS, hot plaid and tea on a cold evening. I want attention - coffee in bed, cafes, restaurants, cinema and, of course, my favorite flowers. Everything will look like in a fairy tale, but only without a happy ending.
Habit of living badly
Abuzer is a manipulator, and he will wait as long as it takes until the victim gets used to suffering and learns to live with them. This is the structure of the human psyche - torment could not be avoided, you have to live on. A dangerous moment - when the day comes and the woman understands that tears and feelings are a habitual way of life from which she even enjoys.
Where does it all start?
One day a woman will watch a program on TV after work. He, noticing that she was watching a talk show: "Only fools can watch the lives of other people." She will be offended, he will go to bed.
In a good mood, they both drive to the store in the car, and her favorite music sounds, which his rude remark suddenly interrupts: “All of you hang up your ears and take on beautiful words. And there you are! ” The mood is spoiled, she is hysterical.
Once she will put on makeup before going for a walk with him, and he will make a “valuable” remark: “Why do you need makeup, I don’t understand. You look like a doll, your skin looks old. If you want to be scary, paint on! ” He will be offended that they disobeyed him.
A baby takes a lot of time, and she does not have time to prepare dinner for her husband's arrival. To which he calmly declares: “Millions of women have time for everything and do not complain, and those who are indignant remain single materials and are to blame for everything!”
Once she becomes pregnant, because of his own initiative, giving up protection. Full of joyful experiences, he tells him in the hope of reciprocal enthusiasm. But he replies that he does not want a child, and an abortion is necessary. On the rejection of a stunned woman, the abuser threatens with divorce, humiliation, insults, bullying and even beatings.
And with the abuser there is happiness
The self-esteem of a woman gradually breaks down, and such behavior of a man becomes habitual, and it seems that not everything is so bad. He dilutes the hours of horror with seconds of happiness and manifestations of soulfulness. Personal boundaries are violated, and imperceptibly such a way of life becomes commonplace. Moments of happiness are necessary for a woman to hide and justify the behavior of an abuser in front of her environment.
Tolerate or run?
He continues to mock, she believes that if you change his behavior, he will begin to treat her differently. Become a weak, sick, defenseless victim, do not express your opinion, so as not to anger him once again. A woman can not part with an abuser either because of fear of consequences.
Abyuzer (signs):
- gross physical treatment and verbal humiliation;
- inspiring confidence that it is impossible to get out of such a relationship;
- mockery of wife and children;
- the belief in the inability of women to make decisions independently;
- depreciation of the goals of the wife, hobbies, views, beliefs, excess of their abilities;
- indication of physical disabilities;
- intimidation by divorce, deprivation of money, parental rights;
- constant control over the movement of the wife;
- humiliation and insult of family, friends;
- abuser is a person who always justifies his behavior with fatigue, nervous exhaustion, alcohol, stress, hunger;
- coercion to sexual intercourse against the will;
- coercion to abortion or continuous procreation;
- punishment for disobedience.
Only a woman will know a man well from this side, so she will have to deal with her problems herself. Indeed, for the environment, this is an enviable husband, a caring father, and just a good person. What can be done to avoid such a relationship? Run and not look back, pay attention to all the markers at the beginning of the relationship, so as not to tighten them. Treatment is possible provided that the patient himself really wants this. It is necessary to recognize the problem and undergo a course of therapy with a psychologist, not only to the husband, but also to the wife.
At home, the abuser will make every effort to ensure that the partner is limited in communication and contacts. The less support from outside, the more you can count on obedience. Another characteristic feature for abusers is that they are easily offended, and will vividly demonstrate their dissatisfaction with slamming doors, stomping on the floor, facial expressions, etc. Their mood changes every five minutes, and keeping track of these trends is almost impossible.
How to recognize a home abuser?
Who is an abuser? It is believed that it can be recognized with an accuracy of 95% if you drink it well with an alcoholic drink. In cases where a person is then drawn to exploits or "itchy" hands, it is better to stay away from such suitors. If the drinker goes to bed, there is no reason to consider him a potential abuser.
Each relationship, including marriage, has its own nuances, and even if they are not quite simple, this does not mean that the man is an abuser. A woman during a verbal conflict trembles with fear, is afraid to defend her opinion, knowing about the consequences, even if she is right, is a clear sign of abuse. If she clearly defends her position, argues fervently and tries to reach the truth, this is a banal showdown.