Ignoring is one of the most common ways to protect a psychological level from a person or circumstances, as well as a way to punish another person. The expression is often found: “Ignoring is one of the oldest forms of emotional abuse.” Let's talk about this in more detail.
What does the concept of “ignoring” include?
First of all, ignoring is (in psychology) an avoidance. A person is aware of the presence of an unpleasant effect, but decides not to pay attention to it. He remembers the troubles, realizes their presence, and simply tries to make sure that he does not in any way overlap with factors that can deliver information on an ignored occasion. This can happen intentionally: a girl "does not notice" a guy who is tired of his courtship or something like that. But there are situations when a person unconsciously detaches himself from a problem.
The best painless option, or is ignoring one of the oldest forms of emotional abuse?
There are options when ignoring can help in life situations, and when it acts in the exact opposite direction. Do not focus on small everyday problems that cannot entail serious consequences. Remember that ignoring is a form of emotional abuse if a child stains clothes on the street. What is more valuable to you - your little man or some rag of rags?
Relevance of ignoring
For example, the mother-in-law answered somehow rudely to the question of the daughter-in-law. It is worth considering whether this is typical behavior or if a person is tired, annoyed, and does not control his behavior. If the latter, then why focus on this and respond with aggression to aggression. It would be wiser to skip rudeness past the ears. But if this is the norm for the aforementioned mother-in-law and she consciously leads to conflict, then there is a place for a problematic situation that needs to be solved for normal communication. Serious problems are strongly discouraged. Moving away from them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means that they will remain and, over time, will become clouded with unnecessary facts that further clog the situation.
The same mother-in-law, for some reason dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness, include other members of the family circle in the conflict, until the forces of the daughter-in-law come to naught. As a result, a grand scandal or, worse, a quiet withering of the daughter-in-law due to fear of a frank conversation and a solution to the problem with the mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems may be banal fear: fear of failure, fear of losing time and money for solving the problem.
Ignore Matrix
Keene Mellor and Eric Sigmund once developed a matrix definition scheme for the degree and object of ignoring. Three different criteria are considered: level, region, type.
The ignore levels in this case are four. It:
- availability of opportunities (a person ignores the availability of solutions to the problem as a whole);
- its significance (understanding of the availability of a solution, but an early denial of its effectiveness);
- change of opportunities (understanding the availability of a solution, but an early refusal to apply it);
- personal abilities (the inability to implement a possible decision due to personal unacceptable attitude to this method).
There are three areas of ignorance: “I”, other people, the situation.
Types of neglect are incentive, opportunity, and problem.
According to these three criteria, a matrix is ​​obtained:
Using this matrix, you can find out at what level the problem is ignored, and accordingly influence the person in order to prompt a search for a solution to the problem. The search for the “source” should start from the top row, the leftmost cell, and then go down diagonally.
Ignoring is emotional abuse
How did you come to this conclusion? Often people deliberately ignore each other in order to punish their inattention. For the guy who is guilty, there will be a painfully indifferent attitude to his attempts at reconciliation by the girl. The boss can apply the same tactics to a subordinate who has made a mistake in work, ignoring his attempts to rehabilitate. Thus, a person who is ignored can eventually feel like an empty place or become angry if you do not stop avoiding him in time. Think carefully before punishing your neighbor in this way: will this make it worse, including for you. Ignoring is one of the oldest forms of emotional abuse, and there is rarely more benefit to it than harm. Any difficult situation must be resolved: by talking or collecting information, by involving other persons - by any means, but not to remain inactive. An adequate analysis of the situation will make it clear whether ignoring, one of the oldest forms of emotional violence, is worth using, or use more subtle methods that do not cause psychoemotional harm to a person. Consider several situations by which you can understand where ignoring is applicable.
Ignore - useful when ...
Man is prohibitively stupid. Yes, you did not back down, you decided to act, give reasonable arguments, explanations, but the opponent simply does not understand them. You beat the problem day, week, month, bringing all the old and new facts, but no result. Is it worth it to spend even more time and effort or is it better to eliminate oneself?
Man is inadequate. If you delve into the essence of nonsense pouring from the lips of an opponent, it will only clog your own brain and ruin your mood. The grandmother, who was clinging to a young man in a minibus with stories that he looks inappropriately, and a verbal fountain about how it was “in my time”, can be ignored. Having not received an answer to her impassioned speeches, she will lose interest. In a free society, anyone has the right to look as he wishes. The guy wants ripped jeans - even if he wears, even puts on a skirt. It's his choice.
The problem is insignificant, and focusing on it can lead to a negative result. The child used a "bad" word. The first time it’s worth ignoring, because not having seen any reaction from the parents, the child may simply lose interest in this word. But if this happens all the time, it is worth solving the problem through a calm conversation using different methods, according to the age of the child.
Do not overdo it. Everywhere is important measure
Ignoring is the oldest form of emotional violence, but you should not bring to his even older “brother” - indifference. You can get so carried away by staying away from problems that you really don't care. For example, the father’s constant neglect of domestic problems - at first because of fatigue, and then out of habit, but they don’t even care about him, “let his wife understand”. Yes, others will be able to find a solution themselves, and not the fact that it will satisfy you. But you will not care.