Financial problems or unwillingness to live alone of many young people make them stay in their parents' homes. However, in reality, this seemingly practical solution is not at all as rational as it seems at first glance. It is noteworthy that in Europe, almost every second citizen aged 18 to 34 lives in a parental home. In Russia, statistics show that only a third of the population shares housing with their parents. Of course, problems with the economy that persisted in most CIS countries will not contribute to a decrease in this indicator.
Despite the apparent benefits, living with parents leaves a certain imprint on the young person who is just emerging. Of course, there are families in which children and parents get along well with each other and do not feel disadvantaged. However, most often this symbiosis becomes the cause of many psychological problems. Consider some of the most common situations that require the help of a specialist.
Dependence
Often, adult children live with their parents just because they are in a painful, dependent relationship with them. They develop when the child performs an important function in the family, so parents cannot and do not want to let him go. For example, in a family where the father is an alcoholic, the child takes on the responsibility of looking after the mother and helps her avoid critical situations. However, in childhood, he often exaggerates the need for his intervention. In this psychological state, he may be stuck for a long time, as he will feel that his father would kill his mother without him, and that he would die. This condition grows and develops with it. In adulthood, if he manages to leave his father’s house, he feels guilt and anxiety. However, when it comes to the realization that it was used by the parents, the stage of anger sets in.
Protection from these feelings is the moral that he should serve his parents, since they are the closest people in his life.
At the same time, of course, the presence of an alcoholic father is not necessary for co-dependent relationships. Widows, single mothers often give birth “for themselves,” and then do not let their children go into adulthood. They are mortally afraid of being abandoned and unnecessary. It is impossible to explain to them the fallacy of their judgments.
Family is a fortress
Adult children often live with their parents only because it is more convenient, safer and more economical. Most of these families are quite friendly. They have a great time together, no one feels hurt or unloved. However, an adult child (most often women) has another problem - the prospects for personal life are rather vague, and there is no particular desire. After all, it’s good with parents: they will feed and regret and support. Therefore, I do not want to live separately from my parents.
People with this type of addiction also have a distrust of the world. Only at home do they feel truly comfortable. Such installations are very difficult to destroy. Taking as an example her own family, the girl will reject the gentlemen, believing that with none of them it is impossible to create an equally strong family.
Incubator family
It is not uncommon for grown children to create their own families, but stay with their parents (grandparents) or move to them after the baby is born. From a practical point of view, this action is fully justified, but from the point of view of psychology, the behavior is fundamentally wrong. Usually, the initiator of the move is a woman from a fortress family who does not feel competent enough in matters of motherhood, and therefore she needs parental support. Moreover, she does not feel the necessary trust in the family that she herself created.
The husband in this case either must obey the authoritative older generation, as his spouse does, or leave the family. This is why you should not live with your parents.
Do you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions? Awareness is the right way to rectify the situation. And then we will find out why you should not live with parents and what "complications" this is fraught with.
Reluctance to grow old (or grow up?)
Living with parents, young people get stuck at a certain stage of personal development. Today, the idea of eternal youth is being cultivated in society: people of different ages wear youth clothes and go to discos. Together with life in the parental home, all this makes you feel like a teenager. Moreover, adolescents themselves often say: "I do not want to live with my parents, because I do not feel like an adult."
Lack of responsibility
Living together with parents allows them to shift responsibility for many small household chores: washing dishes, paying for utilities. Even some manage to shift the responsibility for failures in their personal lives to relatives.
Sense of need
It is important for everyone to be needed. Someone puts in the first place the relationship of a loved one, someone - the attitude of friends. Others prefer to seek this feeling in communication with people who will never give up and betray. Often the scenario develops as follows: one of the household takes on the role of the needy, the other - his forced savior. In this way, both satisfy their need for need.
The plot of the second scenario is the fear of loneliness. If trouble happens, there will be nobody to help. Life with parents is a guarantee of safety.
Calm and confidence
Many parents since childhood have been telling their children that they cannot do without them, since they are too independent. As a result, children begin to feel that they need around-the-clock support from their parents. The creation of psychological comfort, of course, seems good, but in fact it is the exit from the comfort zone that is very important for the full formation of the personality.
Lack of one's own life
If an adult lives in a parental home, for them he remains a child. He does not have the right to vote and is forced to completely and completely obey the will of his parents. This extremely negatively affects the development of the personality, because she does not have the ability to independently make (even if erroneous) decisions.
Ignorance of myself
A person, seeing himself through the eyes of his parents, is not capable of an adequate assessment of his own actions. He cannot take himself seriously, he often lives in the mind of more experienced parents and often is not able to fill bumps with his own rake. As a result, a person develops a stable self-esteem, which prevents him from picking up an interesting profession or hobby.
Lack of communication skills
Lack of communication skills with the outside world is the main problem when living together with parents. For this reason, women often avoid serious relationships. The same thing happens at work: the "child" identifies the boss with mom or dad, and the team identifies with the family, so finding a common language with employees can be extremely difficult.
What to do in this case?
First of all, ask yourself: "Do I want to live with my parents?" Think about moving and imagine an independent life. Think about how it will be and what it takes. For example, in order to rent your own apartment, you need funds. If your salary is not enough, you should start looking for a job that will allow you to pay for housing. It is very important to understand how to start living independently at your own expense.
Suppose you have come to the conclusion that you cannot yet live separately from your relatives and independently pay for the rented premises. Do not despair. You can rent an apartment with a girlfriend, move to a loved one, if you did not dare to do this earlier, or, finally, find a higher paying job.
If it is not yet possible to realize what has been conceived, it is worth starting small. For example, arrange your room the way you want, start eating separately from your parents, and make your own financial contribution to paying for utilities. You can also lock the door if your parents are in the habit of entering without knocking. And then think about how to buy an apartment or rent it for a while.
It is important to explain to parents that you are doing this not because they infringe on you or interfere with your personal life. They will certainly understand your desire to learn independence.
Newlyweds at the parental home
Of course, many young families prefer living with their parents in renting someone else's apartment. From the point of view of economy, this decision is quite justified, but the family has a high risk of frequent conflicts, especially if they live with their parents in a small apartment. Another development of the plot is also not very useful for a young couple: they get used to the help of elders, which impedes the full development of their family life.
At the same time, psychologists believe that the greatest harm should be expected from women - mothers, mother-in-law, sisters. They are more likely to confirm their importance through households and influence on their relationships, mood and home environment. Therefore, avoid family triangles. From a woman who feels superfluous, you should definitely not expect good. Let her be sure that only him she wants a young couple.
At the same time, the life of the newlyweds will not be affected in any way by a single man - father-in-law / father-in-law, brother. So, if you buy your own housing and just go to visit your parents there is no way, how can you learn to get along?
Psychologists advice
A young family needs to have its own space - both emotional and physical. Therefore, it is worth considering how to buy an apartment and move out from relatives. However, during housing with parents, it is worthwhile to adhere to the following principles in order to avoid conflicts of interest as much as possible.
Until the moment of moving you should adhere to certain rules for those couples who live with their parents:
- Respect for personal space. Newlyweds should have at least their own room in which they are free to do whatever they wish. Parents need to tactfully explain this. The room should be in full control of the newlyweds, neither other residents nor their belongings should be in it.
- Do not devote parents to a relationship with a husband / wife. Spouses then reconcile, but an unpleasant aftertaste remains in the soul of parents. Especially often, such situations arise when the young live with their parents and grandmother, who is interested in everything in the world.
In the house of the mother in law
Here the situation is complicated by the fact that there are two housewives in the house who a priori start rivalry. The mother-in-law subconsciously seeks out flaws in the daughter-in-law who has just set foot on the family path. In this situation, it is important that the husband side with the wife at the time of the conflict between the mother and wife. In this case, seeing that the son supports the spouse, the mother-in-law will have to reconcile with the young woman being in the house and even make friends with her in some ways.
In the mother-in-law's house
Here, it would seem, everything is not so scary, because women have nothing to share. However, one can often hear from young women: "I live with my parents and husband, but I dream of moving to a separate apartment as soon as possible." This is because parents, especially mom, often begin to put pressure on the newlyweds and interfere in their relationship. Worse is the son-in-law who feels in a strange house, as if in a cage. He, an adult man, is forced to live by the rules of the owners of the house. A wife may simply not understand his feelings, since for her all this is in the order of things.
What to do in this case? It is important for the spouse to give the beloved a little freedom: the opportunity to do what he considers necessary in the domestic plan. And do not scold for the wrong shoes and incorrectly hung towel in the bathroom.