The wife of an alcoholic: personality types and behavior

A distinctive feature of women who voluntarily live with a person with alcoholism is excessive sacrifice and a willingness to give many times more than expected in return. The wives of pathological drunkards sincerely believe in their ability to change the situation for the better, but in fact they are doing everything to prevent this from happening, making mistakes one after another that are common to all co-dependent people. How to abandon the role of the eternal victim and what are the psychological advice to the wives of alcoholics?

Alcoholism and family life

Despite the fact that (according to statistics) marriages, where husbands suffer from alcoholism, are quite long, it is rather difficult to call family life the existence that spouses drag away under one roof. Particularly detrimental to marital relations are factors that accompany addiction, such as insincerity, self-centeredness, emotional estrangement. These circumstances, to one degree or another, are always complicated by naturally occurring derivatives: aggression, manipulative behavior, lowering the threshold of morality.

More information about the main aspects of the behavior of an alcoholic, affecting the quality of marriage:

1. Insincerity. The alcoholic lies throughout his relationship with the chosen one. First, in order to hide his vice as long as possible, then to create the illusion of freedom of choice (“I can quit when I want”). When the disease becomes apparent, the alcoholic is no longer lying to defend his position, but in order to get away from family negativity, get money for a drink, etc.
2. Self-centeredness. The life of an alcoholic is subordinated only to his own interests and desires, with complete disregard for the needs of those who live nearby. Sometimes, in his “sober minutes”, people around him may get the impression that a man sincerely cares about his family, but this characteristic of his behavior is erroneous.
3. Emotional alienation (cooling). During periods of binge drinking or under the influence of daily consumed alcohols, an alcoholic demonstrates a characteristic behavior model of complete detachment from his second half, up to manifestation of antipathy or even aversion to his spouse. A similar attitude to themselves is also noted by other members of the family where there is a drinker.

The moral image of the alcoholic is so deformed by the contradictions that tear him apart, that even cheating on his wife does not seem to him something abnormal. Moreover, he willingly acknowledges the fact of the incident, justifying himself by the fact that at the time of treason he was under the influence of the drunk. In some cases, this sounds an excuse for the deceived wife of an alcoholic, however, this is recorded only in the case of the “survivor” syndrome of the victim.

Co-dependence syndrome

The dependence of the wife of an alcoholic on the drinking husband is formed as the woman realizes the whole depth of the fall of her beloved. At the first stage, receiving evidence of her husband’s illness, the woman tries to deny the obvious, then she realizes the seriousness of the situation, and only then seeks clarification.

As the number of binges or individual cases of alcohol consumption becomes more frequent, a woman begins to fight for the “return” of her husband, using various means of manipulation and control:

• the destruction of bottles of alcohol found in the house;
• blocking access to money for the husband;
• involvement of close relatives in persuasion;
• spontaneous appeal to narcologists without the consent of the spouse;
• threats of divorce (deprivation of parental rights, etc.).

The result of all these actions is the same - the spiritual strength of the wife of an alcoholic is undermined, and her own interests and needs of other family members are fading into the background. Unbeknownst to herself, a woman herself falls morally and physically, and this situation can be maintained for many years.

The co-dependent behavior of wives of alcoholics can be explained by a false sense of guilt and responsibility for the well-being of a downcast spouse. It seems to them that they “overlooked” it, “didn’t understand in time”, “didn’t” protect their beloved from pernicious temptations and are now obliged to pull the man out of the net of vice. As if punishing themselves for their mistakes, women stop monitoring their health and appearance, do not sleep at night, eat something and deny themselves any pleasures.

Experts note the following characteristic moments in the psychology of the behavior of wives of alcoholics:

• The prevailing guilt and shame.
• Anxiety, constant expectation of impending misfortunes.
• Self-isolation from society, fear of condemnation, secrecy.
• Low self-esteem, expressed in the belief that she is no longer able to be attractive and expect a better life.
• Denial of the problem of alcoholism in the family.
• The desire to devote all free time to a drunken spouse, his problems and current needs.
• Putting aside “for later” the needs of children and other relatives, as well as increasing negligence in relation to their real duties (cooking, cleaning, checking lessons, attending school meetings).

The specifics of the psychology of wives of alcoholics who find themselves in a trap of co-dependence is that, by transferring most of the responsibility of another person, they satisfy their need to be irreplaceable for someone. Somewhere in the depths of consciousness, unhappy women do not consider themselves worthy of a better life, and therefore they are willingly resigned to the “heavy share”.

Marry an Alcoholic

From the point of view of psychology, co-dependence on an alcoholic is the same disease as the addiction to drinking itself and, just like alcoholism, can be passed on from generation to generation. In a family where there is a father or an older brother who suffers from alcoholism, a special behavior model is formed for all women living there, including young girls. A child from an early age watches as a mother acts as an eternal savior and comforter, and the idealization of the image of the mother completes the programming of the situation for the future.

As a rule, alcoholics who have not yet gone down to the bottom are quite charismatic and capable of such manifestations of "broad" gestures as generosity, empathy, love. Having fallen in love or outlining a future “sacrifice” for manipulation, a drunk man can be very charming, shower gifts with his girlfriend (but more often - with a promise of these), rush to a wedding or incite to live together. If the girl’s childhood passed with her father forever drunk, the love of a fiancé for a drink would not seem catastrophic to her, and she would most likely accept this fact.

Another option for developing the same prospect of marriage for a girl who grew up in an alcoholic's family is a childhood spent under the terror of a despot father, who got drunk and kept the whole family in fear. Not wanting to face the previous horror, the young lady will subconsciously try to find a groom who is quiet, even weak-willed, incapable of aggressive attacks. But the fact is that this type of character also reflects the widespread psychotype of a “quiet” drunkard, so the scenario of the future new generation will be played again, but in a different interpretation.

Psychotypes of personalities of wives of alcoholics

All people who drink are strongly insecure personalities who need only one thing - to maintain their comfort zone in their integrity, and they will achieve this by all means available to them. In turn, the wives of alcoholic husbands also find in their unsightly existence some advantages that prevent them from making the fight against family trouble even a little productive.

Psychologists have information about several types of co-dependent women living in the same territory with intoxicating spouses:

1. "Mom's wife." The most common behavior of wives of alcoholics who perceive the addiction of husbands as a form of helplessness and infantility. The indulgent mother-mother expresses her concern for the “big child” in his complete removal from all forms of responsibility and voluntary taking on the functions of the earner and sister of mercy at the same time.
2. "Martyr". These women make their “walk of torment” for those who are ready to express their sympathy for them or even just to listen. It seems to them that the suffering they experience exalt them above “prosperous” women, give them a touch of mystery and the weight of life experience.
3. "The Patcher." These women endure martyrdom unquestioningly and are even afraid to endure their pain "in people." Their main goal is to preserve the peace of mind of the exuberant spouse and maintain a decent appearance in the family. The extremely low self-esteem of the “female patrons” allows them to spend many years in actual silence, and therefore marriages held at such a price rarely end in divorce.
4. "The hidden aggressor." The most rare type of wives of drunken alcoholics, whose authority in society is earned by a profitable comparison with a loser-spouse. They rarely decide to divorce the chosen one, as this threatens them with the debunking of the beautiful legend of the “beauty and the beast”. The husbands of such women, as a rule, are unrequited quiet people, ready to bear any insults addressed to them for the opportunity to continue drinking further.

Psychologists note that none of the characteristics presented is a constant indicator of a woman's behavior in relation to a drinking spouse. For a short time, the sacrificial role of the unfortunate can be replaced by a dictatorial one, and the persecutor, that is, the husband, can become oppressed.

Psychologists about co-dependence syndrome

It is noteworthy that in families where the mood of loved ones is dictated by one strong drinker, the health status of all women can be seriously undermined. Even adolescent girls suffer from diseases atypical of age, aware of their helplessness in front of a distorted model of building family relationships. The most common symptoms that are common to the wives and children of an alcoholic, psychologists call tearfulness, anxiety, melancholy, irritability. The lack of sleep and the ability to fully relax is compensated by many women with an increased craving for food, less often - a lack of appetite.

According to experts, the specific manner of behavior of wives of pathological alcoholics is striking at the initial consultation. Most often, women demonstrate inconsistency of speech, increased nervousness, exaltation. Given the victim’s obvious position, this is a demonstration of children's “offended” behavior, ostentatious humility, followed by a heated upholding of one’s opinion.

The behavior, which speaks of maintaining the integrity of nature and the unbroken inner core, is revealed in another symptomatic picture:

• avoidance of discussion of a painful topic;
• coherent speech expressing inner dignity;
• fear of speaking incriminatingly towards the patient;
• avoidance of extra acquaintances and restriction of one's stay in society

The manifestation of a healthy reaction to husband's alcoholism is observed mainly in women with an undeformed idea of ​​the norms of family behavior. This happens when, until a certain period, married life could be considered prosperous, and then something happened and the family life habitual for a woman began to crumble before her eyes.

Consequences of co-dependence on a woman’s health

The inability to look deep into the problem and realize their involvement in the spouse’s illness (the origin of the involvement will be discussed later) makes women perceive their illnesses arising from the neurosis as a combination of individual symptoms. Treatment, if it is carried out at all, respectively, is also symptomatic and includes, as a rule, sedatives or psycholeptics, gastric drugs, etc. It is clear that such therapy does not bring any tangible results against the background of the ongoing life drama.

Most often, wives of alcoholics experience the development of diseases of the following systems:

• cardiovascular: hypertension, angina pectoris, VVD, atherosclerosis;
• respiratory: respiratory neurosis (suffocation), asthma;
• digestive: gastritis, peptic ulcer, enteritis;
• endocrine: pancreatic and thyroid disease;
• sensory: psoriasis, eczema and other types of dermatitis.

Depending on the degree of immersion in the problems of the drinking husband or on the desire to distance oneself from them, the woman’s attitude to her own unhappiness is also formed. The most unfavorable kind of reaction to a worsening state of health is the lack of motivation for medical examination and treatment. Another form of attitude towards the detected pathologies - a panic search for the best methods of treatment, fear of death, the chaotic use of drugs - leads to no less deplorable consequences than completely ignoring the situation.

Both this and the other form of reaction produces a painful impression on the outside observer of the absurd, trying to draw attention to himself behavior, however, the specialist will immediately identify signs of the development of a dangerous hypochondriacal state of personality disorder. A woman immersed in her inner pain needs immediate psychological help and support from her relatives, regardless of their attitude to the culprit of the situation - the drinking spouse.

The path to freedom from co-dependence

What to do to wives of alcoholics who have realized the impossibility of reaching the desired results by taking independent measures? Contact the rehabilitation center for narcology, where specialists are also closely involved in the problems of co-dependent family members.

Psychological assistance to the wives of alcoholics consists in creating a correct picture of the trouble they are facing, which has already managed to become part of themselves. It is necessary to make a woman realize that she is not responsible for the addiction of her husband and should not pay for it with her own mental and physical resources.

All the advice of psychologists to wives of alcoholics can be divided into two categories:

• Work on oneself: adjusting one’s attitude to the husband’s illness and finding a tactic of behavior that would satisfy the woman herself, and secondly, other family members.
• The formation in the house of such conditions under which the patient himself would realize the need to undergo rehabilitation and return to normal life.

Many women will find the leadership to free themselves from the bonds of co-dependence and return the husband to the family cruel to an alcoholic, but psychologists emphasize the need to take the measures described above without trying to mitigate them.

Step 1: abandoning controlling behavior

The desire in everything to control their unreliable soul mate among co-dependent women is so great that it goes beyond all boundaries of adequate behavior. In order to exercise control, the wives of alcoholics choose the tactics that they consider to be the most effective, and this can be a harsh form of restriction on the freedom of the drinking spouse or a moderately mild, manipulative one.

The differences between these two types of controlling behavior are obvious:

1. Direct control - is a method of direct coercion in the form of instructions, threats and other humiliating people and actions blocking his will.
2. Manipulation is a more sophisticated form of coercion, never using direct statements and demands, but as the main method of influence, it implies pressure on the guilty feeling of the “punishable”.

In the process of the need to achieve from an alcoholic one way or another, a soft effect on his psyche can be replaced by a hard one. Despite the fact that any positive effect obtained as a result of such manipulations is temporary and always has a number of negative consequences, women return to tried and tested tactics again and again.

The repeating scenario, which inevitably leads to defeat, exacerbates the already painful mental state of the alcoholic's co-dependent wife. There is practically nowhere to wait for help with it, the future seems uncertain, and all past stages of difficulties amaze with meaninglessness. Is there a way out of this situation?

The first advice to the wives of alcoholics that they hear from a psychologist-narcologist is to stop controlling. “Letting go” is necessary not only for issues related to the adoption of strong drinks by the husband, but also related to various everyday aspects of his life: eating, timely going to bed. At the same time, one should begin to study (although it is very difficult) to spend the free time on oneself, children, and parents.

From the stories heard from the wives of alcoholics, psychologists made an amazing conclusion. Despite the highest degree of egoism, even an inveterate “booze” becomes uneasy when, instead of a woman exhausted by her cares, he begins to see a well-groomed and attractive lady in front of him. This greatly affects their battered self-esteem and, at the very least, encourages them to comply with their spouse.

Step 2: full immersion

Over time, the abandonment of controlling behavior will play the role of a “trigger” for the drinker - he realizes himself left to his own devices and first of all will feel the horror of the feeling of his “uselessness”, “oblivion”. Understanding will come that with dynamic advancement in the previous direction, he will lose not only the material component of his life, but also the society of people who are still taking an active part in it.

The final comprehension by an alcoholic of the fallibility of his path occurs at the time of a serious moral upheaval provoked by his previous wrong actions. Usually it is a dismissal from work with a shameful certification, a serious illness, a divorce or a meeting with successful acquaintances from the “former” life. This important stage, accompanied by full awareness of one's immersion on the social bottom, is key to the formation of a new position in life for an alcoholic.

Final stage

The moment of insight does not mean that a person will immediately stop drinking; perhaps he even going to an appointment with a narcologist will be an overwhelming task, and here it is necessary to show due care and help him to take decisive actions. What should an alcoholic's wife do in this case? Book a spouse for a consultation with a doctor, put his clothes in order, and possibly go with him for an initial examination so that all his enthusiasm does not disappear ahead of time.

However, rejoiced at her husband’s awakened desire to “embark on the true path,” women often overdo it and again make the old mistake, turning into all willing women. Having felt a return to their former comfortable state, the spouse, in fact, understands that there is no need to change anything, and the story repeats.

What psychologists advise wives of alcoholics not to do under any circumstances:

• to persuade her husband to be treated, or at least "go once to a doctor’s appointment";
• to take full care of the spouse’s things, while he doesn’t even want to simply maintain the order brought by other people’s hands;
• give him free access to money if he does not work;
• “Let go” the disappearance of household utensils, appliances, the proceeds of which are obviously spent on booze;
• search for a spouse in all acquaintances and hospitals during periods of his binge, if he disappeared before.

A woman needs to create such a situation in the house without any terror and rude manipulation that the alcoholic constantly feels "out of place" and sees for himself the only way to a successful outcome - this is the restoration of a decent social status. Any hesitation of the spouse - a suddenly flashing pity for the "lost", the desire to protect him from harsh realities - will only worsen the situation and make living together unbearable.