Unfortunately, each of us in a certain period of life meets with aggression. With the most standard, familiar, inherent in every person aggression. And it manifests itself mainly in everyday situations. Here, psychologists decided to figure it out more specifically and came up with many classifications of aggression. We are only interested in a typology that divides aggression into explicit and hidden.
Explicit and hidden
As for obvious aggression, there is no need to explain anything, it manifests itself openly. The situation is completely different with hidden aggression in psychology, because it may not even be recognized as aggression. And even not only in the eyes of the one to whom “evil” is directed, but also for the aggressor himself. Often, it can resemble care and is not at all like aggression. The victim does not even try to resist, because she does not even suspect what is really happening. And this is perceived naturally, because how can you resist when they try to take care of you, they use like innocent jokes, and seemingly sincere teachings. They will not understand in society. Here the situation changes in the strangest way, the victim herself begins to feel guilty for taking negatively and resisting those who seem to want only the best. Here, not far from a hidden threat. And the aggressor is very convenient to use it. And often unconsciously, but the fact remains. What are the signs of hidden aggression?
How does the aggressor manifest itself?
How to recognize hidden aggression? It is difficult enough, at first glance, a person does not do anything supernatural. He does not scream, does not hit, and behaves politely. You can make a portrait of a passive aggressor, this character meets some characteristics. The manifestation of latent aggression is manifested in the situations described below.
He does not keep his promises.
How is this manifested? First of all, he nods, agrees with everything, but to the last hesitates with the fulfillment of promises. To do for him what was agreed upon is a real problem. If it comes to fulfilling promises, then this happens at the last moment, of poor quality, which is full of excuses and clearly expressed discontent. It is especially uncomfortable to have such people in a close environment, among relatives or good friends. To ask them for help is sometimes pointless. For example, they asked the spouse not to give the child sweets, which causes him illness, but he seems to forget about the agreement and again gives him chocolate.
This does not mean that you need to record all your friends, who often do not fulfill their promises, into passive aggressors. Nevertheless, this type of people is a combination of factors. The protagonist of the film Love and Pigeons can be considered a good example. After all, how can you rely on a person who spills the last family money on pigeons, but hides from the violence in the attic with them? And if for someone such behavior can be caused by some circumstances, then for a passive aggressor this happens on an ongoing basis. Resistance to requests, stubbornness, forgetfulness, delaying, poor-quality performance of work - these are the makings of passive aggression. Some mistakenly believe that such behavior is the destiny of men, but there is latent aggression in women even more often.
He never expresses his position clearly
It is difficult to get a clear answer from a passive aggressor , he does not say what he thinks, what he wants, directly and clearly. It is easier for him to get away from the question, discuss problems and attempts to clarify the situation - this is not for him. It’s too difficult for him to explain what’s wrong, what he wants and how to solve this or that situation. It is difficult to understand whether there is feedback and whether a person has an interest. Answers to any questions are the same: “maybe,” “I don’t know,” “I don’t care,” “as you say,” “do as you want,” and so on. It may seem to the interlocutor that the partner gives him complete freedom of action by such behavior, but in reality this is not so. No matter how strange it may seem, but the inability to say no is one of the signs of passive aggression. It’s easier for a person to lie, promise and not fulfill. As a result, the sense of zero and at work, and in personal life. There is nowhere without manipulative behavior.
His words and actions contradict each other
Do you have a friend who always complains that you spend little time together, and then in every way tries to avoid this meeting and escape from his promises. He will show with all his appearance that he is uncomfortable. He will be silent, quietly angry, but when asked what happened, he will answer that everything is in order. He will sigh, complain about life, but he will still sigh at the offers of help and answer that he does not need anything and nothing will help him anymore. He can, with a frown, remodel what you just did, showing with his whole appearance that you have failed in your task. But for all questions you will hear only one thing: "Everything is fine, I'm just trying to help you." This is especially true of latent aggression in adolescents.
How to interact with a passive aggressor?
Thanks to the signs listed above, you can calculate the hidden aggressor. It remains now to figure out how to communicate with such people so as not to cause inconvenience to anyone.
Respond to sabotage openly
To start the fight against hidden aggression, you must openly confront it. Directly say that you are angry when this promise is not fulfilled. Ask to promise only what he really can fulfill, and not give false hopes. Or ask to explain what is the meaning of such actions. Next you need to act on the situation, it is only important to show that you are open to conversation. It is important not to hide your true emotions, if it’s unpleasant for you, tell me directly, if something makes you angry, scared or happy, do not forget to say so. Ask directly so as not to give the aggressor a way to retreat, seek a clear answer and truth.
Calmly but firmly insist on the fulfillment of the promised
This option is suitable for owners of steel patience. To knock out a clear answer from a passive aggressor is not an easy task, considerable energy is expended. You have to turn on the bore and demand-demand-demand. It will be necessary to constantly remind about promises, to agree on the time for their fulfillment. Let the passive aggressor name not only the day, but the exact time.
Minimize communication with a passive aggressor
If none of the above options worked, and your partner continues to stubbornly stand his ground (still hesitate, pull back, resist offers, and so on). If you endure such an attitude no longer has the strength, you will have to admit that you cannot trust this person 100%, he is absolutely unreliable. Try not to take responsibility for his actions. It is best to distribute your time in such a way as to least interact with a passive aggressor, so as not to disappoint yourself and others.
Passive aggression phrases
You can calculate the aggressor using phrases that indicate that your partner may be a potential source of aggression. Forms of hidden aggression can be as follows:
- “I'm not angry,” no matter how strange it may sound, the banal denial of feelings of anger is one of the manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior. He will never admit his true feelings, will not explain what caused it. It’s easier for him to say that he’s not angry, but inside it will be a real volcano of anger and emotions.
- “As you say” - and nowhere without “loonies”, avoiding the answer, resentment and standard passive-aggressive behavior. They will not tell you clearly what they are not comfortable with, nor will they give their arguments for and against. A person simply closes in himself and gives monosyllabic, meaningless answers. It turns out that anger is present, but expressed only indirectly, without direct dialogue.
- "Yes, I am coming!" - everything is very simple here, with such a phrase the aggressor simply postpones the inevitable. Just try to call your child for lunch for the umpteenth time, and you will hear this displeased: "Yes, I am coming."
- “I did not know what you mean” - this phrase is not only actively used in everyday life by those who like to engage in procrastination, but also among passive aggressors. Everything is simple here. When a person is given a task that he does not want to do at all, he will try to postpone its implementation for as long as possible. And if you start asking when the report will be ready or something like that, the answer will be one: “I did not know what to do now.” Such an answer may mean one thing: a person does not like the task at all and it is unlikely that he will perform it qualitatively after the next reminder.
- “I thought you know” - classic passive-aggressive behavior suggests such an answer. This is called hiding information that could help. Moreover, this is realized consciously. This behavior may not occur very often, lovers of intrigue are engaged in such concealment. They seem to forget to show the letter, to say about an important call or message.
Beware, any little thing can be used against you. As a result, we hear one thing: “How did they not know this? I thought you were in the know. "
Doubtful compliments
“Of course, I would be happy” - this is the fate of the staff, they can smile at you, flatter, promise anything. And here the paradox happens, the longer you ask and even demand to complete the task faster, the longer it will take to complete. Or they may even be in the ballot box marked "refuse."
And nowhere without dubious compliments. For example: "You did an excellent job for a person who does not have a higher education." The same thing if you say something to the woman: “You will still get married, do not worry. There are some men who prefer ladies in the body. ” Most often, such compliments refer to age, education, weight, appearance, and so on. The goal of such a compliment is to cause unpleasant emotions, to hurt or even offend. And no complaints, because this is a compliment!
Another sign of hidden aggression is sarcasm. Blur out stupidity, say disgust and immediately abandon your words with the phrase: "This is a joke." And if you say that the joke is not at all funny, then in response you will only hear that you have absolutely no sense of humor. A hidden threat can even be hidden here.
Sarcasm, disgusting, unpleasant joke, and after the question: "Why are you so upset?" This is another indicator of passive-aggressive behavior, a person, as it were, enjoys the current situation, he managed to unsettle his interlocutor.
If you come across such behavior at work, at home or with friends, try not to react, because this is a usual provocation, which should not hurt in any way. Passive aggression can and should be fought.