There is a category of good and reliable people who cannot reject anyone's request. Maybe it's kindness, or maybe shyness or weakness. But when requests are received too often, a person may have an insidious thought: "They use me." After all, how to learn how to refuse people?
Help or slavery?
Not every person can admit his weakness and say to himself: "Those around me use it." Most people justify their weak character by striving to help people. Of course, helping is good. But help is needed for those who really need it. And not every request is a "cry for help."
Often, "petitioners" are able to solve their own problem. But why bother if there is a kind and reliable partner who will do everything for you? Thus, you break your own plans, suffer inconveniences, not for the sake of a noble goal, while someone enjoys the life and results of your work. There is no other name for this than exploitation.
Causes of Reliability
Before you deal with a problem, you need to understand why a person cannot say “No” and allows himself to be used. Here are the main reasons:
- Family relationships. Most often, people are afraid to refuse help to family members or relatives. In addition, no one wants to think that loved ones use it.
- Fear of losing the opportunity. A person is afraid that if he says “No” now, then in the future he will also not be able to count on someone else's help.
- Indoor installations. Some people believe that doing good is their life calling. Therefore, despite all the inconveniences, they continue to bear the burden of other people's problems.
- Fear of loneliness. Some people simply need to be in society. They are afraid that by refusing to fulfill the request, they will turn others around themselves and be alone.
- Fear of conflict. A man is afraid that by his refusal he will cause aggression in the “supplicant”. Than provoke a scandal, it is easier to fulfill someone else’s request.
- Fear for reputation. Some people fear that failure will make them dishonorable in the eyes of others.
- Parenting. Since childhood, parents, teachers, literature and cinema teach us to help others, to be useful. Sometimes a person is so imbued with this idea that "excesses" are possible.
Why you need to be able to say no
When the realization comes to a person: "They use me!" - This is a big step towards solving the problem. You can also highlight the following reasons why you need to learn how to refuse:
- You spoil your reputation. You can earn respect only by helping those in need. By spraying your kindness and strength on everyone in a row, you only deserve the glory of a weak and spineless person.
- You allow you to manipulate yourself. Constantly indulging other people's requests, you give people power over themselves.
- You are hurting yourself. While others enjoy life, you are fulfilling their requests. Although you could well devote this time to yourself or loved ones.
Where to begin
If the realization came to you: "They use me," then you have already taken the first step on the path to "healing." Now follow these simple guidelines:
- Start with the little things. For example, someone asked you for a small amount of debt. Or go shopping as an adviser in search of a fashionable new thing. Surely you will find good reason not to fulfill such requests.
- Do not make excuses. Of course, it is worth voicing the reason for the refusal. But you need to do this briefly and confidently. Don't mumble or make excuses as if you're uncomfortable.
- Refuse politely but firmly. If you say “No” with an uncertain tone, the interlocutor will continue to persuade you.
- Be responsive. If you understand that the interlocutor really needs help, but you are unable to provide it, redirect it to another person or give valuable advice.
Substantiated refusal
Never let yourself be used. If you are afraid to say harsh no, then you must find a good reason. Here are the possible reasons for rejection:
- Last Minute You need to complete some task in a strictly defined period. For example, you must submit a quarterly report within a week. Demonstrate to the interlocutor that in the near future you will absolutely not have the opportunity to do his business. But for the sake of courtesy, suggest returning to this issue later (for sure, by this time the request will already lose relevance).
- Abused at work and at home. If you feel that the interlocutor will now turn to you with another request, get ahead of him. Before he asks for something, start talking about how much work you have at work and at home. This way you will prevent an uncomfortable situation where you will have to refuse.
- Time for reflection. Say that you would be happy to help, but not confident in your abilities and capabilities. Thus, you will prepare the interlocutor in advance for a possible refusal.
- Plans. If the fulfillment of the request does not fit into the plans you have outlined, honestly tell your interlocutor about this. When you begin to respect and value your time yourself, those around you will begin to reciprocate.
- Lack of experience and knowledge. This is a good reason to refuse. That is, you do not do it not because you do not want, but because you really cannot.
Polite rejection algorithm
They use me - what to do? If you give a positive answer to all requests, being afraid to offend someone, you should master the algorithm of polite refusal. Namely:
- Express your attitude to the request in order to prepare the interlocutor for refusal.
- Sound your refusal. It should clearly sound the word "No."
- Indicate the reasons why you refuse to grant the request.
- Give the interlocutor recommendations for resolving the problem.
- If the interlocutor continues to insist, repeat the refusal again, reinforcing it with good reasons.
Individual approach
In fact, the line of behavior depends on who is trying to manipulate you. After all, it is one thing to refuse a stranger, and another to someone who has some weight in your life. For each you need to choose an individual approach:
- My parents use me. If your parents or other older relatives do not get tired of showering you with requests, try to explain that you are happy to help them, but also need free time and personal space. Alternatively, make them remember their own youth.
- Children use me. Parents are ready to do everything to make their children happy, but they also need some freedom. Explain to children how important it is to be independent. After all, not in all situations you can be near and be useful.
- I use a girl (boyfriend). If you feel some selfishness, remove from the relationship the moment that causes your doubts (for example, expensive gifts, trips, restaurants). Watch the reaction of the second half.
- The former (former) uses me. Fortunately, many people remain friends after breaking up. But sometimes people abuse friendship. If your ex (ex) constantly pesters you with requests and doesn’t let you go, you should once again recall that your paths have diverged. Moreover, such intimacy with former love can interfere with your new relationship.
- A friend is using me. Comrades should help each other. But at the same time, friendship is a disinterested feeling. The only way to evaluate the sincerity of a comrade is to deny him another request and evaluate the reaction.
Additional recommendations
To learn to say “No” to people and stop attempts to use you for personal gain, take note of a few more useful tips. Namely:
- Train in front of the mirror. Speak out loud, watch out for intonation and facial expressions. When you believe yourself, then you can give a worthy rebuff to intrusive petitioners.
- Stop being afraid of an inadequate reaction. In fact, completely normal people surround you. Scandal, hysteria, a big quarrel are more likely exceptions to the rules.
- Take your time with an answer. If you are used to saying “Yes” to everyone, start doing this on the machine. If you give yourself a little time to think, you will understand whether the interlocutor can do without your help.
- Clearly identify life priorities. When choosing between yes or det, make sure that your decision will not work to the detriment of your own interests (unless your help is objectively necessary).
Conclusion
Of course, a person should be able to say: "No." But do not abuse this word and assert itself through refusals. If you understand that a person really needs your help and can not do without you, do not spare your “yes”. Given that it will be deliberate and informed, your help will be even more valuable to the petitioner.