Do you often refuse people any requests? If your answer is no, then it's time to change your life for the better. As you know, the golden mean is not easy to find. Some always fulfill all requests, while others never. How to learn to say no and not feel guilty? We will try to figure this out.
The root of the problem
As you know, there are reasons for everything. It’s extremely difficult for some people to say a solid no. They agree, but then they criticize themselves for this. Interestingly, most often “yes” is not analyzed and not considered. Only after a certain period of time does a person begin to reflect: “Why did I do this and not otherwise, why did I agree?” But, as they say, “the train has already left” and now we need to think about how to fulfill the promise. Such situations are very common in many areas of a person’s life: at work, in the family circle, in friendly relations, even on the street and in shops. There are reasons for all this. And before you understand how to learn to say no, we’ll get to know them in more detail.
Guilt
Manipulators are people who always and from all try to get the answer “yes”. To do this, they use the most cunning and sophisticated methods. One of them is to cause guilt in the opponent. This is a wonderful emotion that can be used constantly and absolutely disinterestedly. The most striking example of such manipulation can be seen in the behavior of children. It is very important for each parent that the child feel his love and care.
When a child does not receive the cherished toy or permission to go for a walk, he makes mother or father feel guilty. “So you don’t love me, since you don’t want to buy me,” “so you don’t need me” - these and other words can often be heard from children and adolescents. Then the parents begin to worry that the child feels abandoned and fulfill any whim. In family relationships, this situation is very common. And even when they become adults, children often manipulate their parents, reproaching that they were poorly brought up, paid little attention, etc. How can I learn to say no in this case? Of course, it all depends on the specific situation, but you should definitely try to get rid of guilt. Remember that you do not owe anything to anyone.
Fear that a person will be offended
Here is another common reason that you cannot say no. There is a certain category of people who are trying to be on good terms with everyone. This "excessive kindness" so fills a person that he begins to act to the detriment of himself.
Let's consider an elementary example. At the market, a girl stops near one of the counters, her attention is attracted by a pretty dress. Immediately the seller jumps up and persuades her to try on. He has been looking for the required size for a long time, helps the girl to get dressed / undresses, holds a mirror so that she sees herself well. But, frankly, this style does not suit her, and the mood to buy something has already disappeared. But then the girl becomes sorry for the seller. After all, he ran around her so much, tried, and she makes an absolutely unnecessary purchase. Fear of offending the seller won.
How not to offend a person
In such situations, you should think primarily about yourself. After all, the seller’s job is to serve customers. It is not your fault that you did not fit or did not like the product. You have every right not to take it. How to learn to say no in this case? It should be tactfully explained that this does not suit you or that you only choose your outfit but are not going to buy it yet. Specify real, non-invented reasons. It is a lie that causes resentment and contempt. When a person begins to stutter and babble something incomprehensible, it immediately becomes clear that he is trying to lie. Speak confidently and clearly: I don’t like it / don't fit / don't want it.
Fear that you will lose a friend or the trust of a friend
This reason differs from the previous one in that in this case, the person is afraid to refuse precisely his friends, colleagues, acquaintances. It seems to him that one “no” can lead to the fact that a friend turns his back on him, ceases to be friends with him and respects him. This is not true. In fact, only those people who have their own opinions and interests are respected. Remember any authoritative person and answer the question: how often does it act in the interests of others, and even to the detriment of its own? Most likely never.
It is for this that this person is respected and appreciated. How to learn to say no and feel comfortable? In order to avoid conflict with the interlocutor, he should explain why you cannot help. You need to talk tactfully, but at the same time quite confidently. If after your refusal a person disappears from your life - know that he just used you, because friendship is mutual assistance, and not endless fulfillment of instructions.
How do you want to be good
If you are wondering: “how to learn to say no, but be perfect,” then you have a separate reason why you cannot refuse people. And it is in her that you yourself are to blame, or rather, your lowered self-esteem. Think about who told you that being good for everyone is right. Where did you get the idea that you are bad? Answers to these questions will help you understand the root of the problem.
As you know, you can’t be good for everyone, and honestly, this is not necessary. Most people are inherently very selfish and, asking for your help, they only pursue their interests. The need to do good deeds arises in every normal person, but this does not mean that you should be used. Want to do a good job? You can, for example, do charity work and transfer some money to a sick child or take a packet of toys to the baby’s house. There are a lot of options. But remember, no matter what you choose, it should not infringe on your interests.
Professional field
Free labor has always been a priority. Of course, it’s very convenient for superiors to ask an employee to work a bit overtime. Everything would be fine if it did not turn into a system. How to learn to say no at work? Think about whether you will appreciate your heroic deeds? Indeed, in fact, any work should be rewarded.
Very often, colleagues also ask for help. And for this they find a variety of reasons. For example, a colleague often asks you to do his work for him, because he has a family and a lot of work, but you are alone and free. Sometimes this reason allows you to just sit on the neck of a colleague and use it. But on the other hand, if you, for example, have no family, then why should you do someone else's work? After all, you need more time to find a soul mate, to create a cell of society. For such a case, this could be a great argument.
Of course, in order not to spoil the relationship with a colleague, you should not tell him that he is impudent. Just say that you have unexpected, but very important things.
A fine line
There is a small line between selfishness and dependability, which is sometimes difficult to notice. Just because you need to learn to say no does not mean that you don’t need to help others. It is very important to understand who and when such help is really needed. So how do you learn to say “no” to people, but not become selfish?
First you need to analyze who really needs such help and who uses you. To do this, imagine that you left for six months on a desert island. Think about who and how will do without you? What other psychologists give advice on this? How to learn to say no fastest? To do this, you need to love yourself and realize that your life is in your hands. No one should control it except yourself.