The psychological boundaries of personality determine our difference from other people. In the process of development, growing up of a person emotionally and physically, a set of certain qualities is formed in each of us, which, like mosaic elements, make up a general picture called a human personality.
These boundaries are determined by the goals, desires and interests of man and are based on a system of his values.
Who are you in this world? How do you feel about yourself? How do others relate to you? What are your goals? Do you know the way to achieve them? When an individual has answers to these questions, he comes to a full awareness of himself, which means that his boundaries are formed correctly. This is the highest degree of development of the human person.
A child cannot imagine himself without a mother and has no mental difference with her. An adult is independent and self-sufficient. He does not need a mother to feel protected, and he is a completely different person.
Interference and Benefit
Satisfying the needs, the individual has to interact with the surrounding reality. In this world there are those people, situations or things that are useful to us, but there are stumbling blocks: there is always something that prevents or poisons our existence. It should be noted that a kind and full of love person does not feel discomfort, because he is not used to operating with negative emotions and negativity. The world is set up positively on those who are pure in soul, touching the good and the bright, you yourself become so. Give love, ignore the negative - and the good will surely attract you, and the bad will go away by itself. Do not be distracted and do not trade for anger and revenge, for war and hatred. They destroy you.
The function of psychological boundaries
They help to develop personality, to receive what is necessary for a person from life, and to protect him from unnecessary, harmful "poison". This invisible barrier helps our “inner self” to develop harmoniously and with minimal negativity.
Strong = Flexible
Flexibility is a sign that the psychological boundaries of a person are normal and healthy. Such a person has a mobile and living psyche, adaptive to the environment. It is easy for a healthy person to determine their interests in life and make optimal decisions. He can realize his ambitions in the current conditions, for him, communication with people seems easy, starting and ending relationships is not a problem for him. He is stable in conflict situations and can stand up for himself.
Deviations
If the psychological boundaries are weak or excessively rigid, this indicates a violation of the interaction of the individual with the outside world. Such problems are usually experienced by people who are unable to assess their status in this life. What they experience:
- difficulties in everyday life;
- low self-esteem;
- problems in relations with relatives and friends, work colleagues;
- not feeling their borders, they themselves violate the boundaries of another person, causing him unpleasant emotions;
- they are easy to manipulate, since they often feel responsible for the feelings of others, sacrifice themselves in a relationship, endure a bad attitude, seek to please others;
- it’s hard for them to say no to other people;
- their motto is "everyone does it, and I will be like that."
The other extreme is tight boundaries, when a person behaves the same with all people, emphasized inflexibly. In all situations, he has a single line of behavior. He is closed to all. His "stone wall" is a defense that allows himself to be secure, but in this "wall" he is very lonely. These people are not able to love and be attached to someone. It is very difficult for such people, even talented ones, to realize themselves in life.
Protect the baby!
What do psychological boundaries give to a growing person? Protection from uncertainty and chaos, which instills fear and panic in the baby. Parents who clearly define the rules, set the limits and boundaries, give the child the most important thing in life: a sense of security, and these are not at all continuous restrictions that impede the development of his soul, as many mothers and fathers believe. The kid needs to understand what is good and what is bad, what is possible and what is impossible, and then he will feel firm ground under his feet. Correctly established psychological boundaries of the child are his reliable support and a lifebuoy in life. These are the foundations of his principles that his parents must lay in him.
These boundaries are initially the womb, where the baby in a comfortable shell lives all 9 months. Then he is born, he is swaddled, approaching the conditions in which he was inside his mother. They are one, but gradually their separation occurs.
As the baby grows, he begins to separate himself from his mother, adapts, finds himself, explores his body. He understands that mother is not him, but a separate creature, but they are still in very close contact, and mother’s task is to help her daughter or son explore this world, build the psychological boundaries of the child, explaining how and what is arranged, what to whom belongs to what is possible and what is not.
Disobedience is the way to build boundaries
What happens when a child breaks the rules? He tests you for parental love and checks his security. This happens unconsciously, the child "checks" the reactions of the adult. Crying and tantrums are attempts to check after how many minutes the adults will “give up”. The kid is trying to declare himself, and the adult, with his behavior and reactions to these actions of the baby, builds the boundaries of this child. If you react equally to his requirement, which is served at different times, you will create ... comfort for the child. The kid will understand: "Everything, no matter how hard I try, I will not get this toy, you can not come up with anything." The more understandable and stable your reactions to certain actions are, the firmer your baby will be on his feet.
Respond to everything calmly and be consistent. For example, if the child got dirty, then you need to explain that you are unhappy, this is bad, so no more doing. When it gets dirty again, you should not say: “It's okay, it will dry, everything is fine,” because your initial reaction was that it was bad and the child did not understand which reaction was correct and, accordingly, would not understand how he react to it yourself, because he copies his mother in everything.
More terrible is the other - he realizes that he can cheat and get what he wants sooner or later by different methods. This is a dangerous conclusion. He can grow into an unprincipled egoist who follows only his “want” and does not know the word “impossible”.
Only clarity and consistency
The psychological boundaries of an early age are set by a clear line of your behavior and your steady and unshakable reactions and attitude to the same events at different times. They will give the baby a clear understanding of how he needs to behave himself and how to react. And it will be easier for him to live. And, of course, do not forget to give your baby love by deeds, words, care, tenderness.
What is the reason for the violation of the healthy functioning of borders?
Psychologists attribute these violations to a person’s incomplete awareness of his goals and desires in a specific situation or even a person’s lack of understanding of his borders. Or when a person is aware of his boundaries, but cannot manage them.In the formation of psychological boundaries in preschool age, it is important to achieve honest reactions from the child. The correct path to understanding and managing your boundaries is determined by the following feelings:- sympathy for oneself;
- disgust;
- anger.
If for some reason the child is blocked from experiencing these feelings, he may have problems with the formation and management of his psychological boundaries.
Come from childhood
Did your parents often scold you in your childhood? That you did not show enough willpower, that you did not succeed here or there and did not become the best here? Hence the lack of empathy for yourself - a poisonous repressed shame, which is a signal that you do not meet some standard of society. Many complexes appear, inventing nonexistent pictures of yourself. In these cases, the psychological boundaries of a person do not work to his advantage. He takes on something, although in reality it is beyond his reach. As a result, he cannot cope and digs himself even deeper. Or vice versa, he does not believe in himself and does not take on those things that he can do, losing in many ways and much less.
Aversion and anger are also powerful internal feelings that help to build the right boundaries. By suppressing them, you are deceiving yourself, and your borders are not yours, which means they cannot protect you.
Preschool children
As a rule, modern kids attend kindergartens, as the vast majority of parents are busy with work. Correctly established psychological boundaries between the ages of three and five years - during the period of primary preschool age - this is the most important thing that kindergarten can give . They can be achieved by role-playing games, the baby's imagination is formed at this stage, and moral values are very well absorbed. Kids are guided mainly by punishment, and they have an understanding of what exactly cannot be done.
In the period from five to seven years - at the stage of senior preschool age - it is necessary to continue consolidating the past. The child has more balanced emotions, he begins to focus not on punishment, but on the praise of an adult - this is how self-awareness in this world begins.
At the age of seven, a critical crisis moment comes when a child from a home comfort zone moves to a school atmosphere with a lot of commitment, stress and stress. Therefore, correctly built psychological boundaries of the child will help him succeed in school and in the ability to get along with peers and teachers.
The main thing is for parents to remember that any boundaries will work if the child lives in an atmosphere of absolute and unconditional love and feels it from the parents.