Dependence on people's opinions makes it difficult to live a full and vibrant life. It is unlikely that someone will like it if outsiders dictate to him what to do, what decisions to make, what to wear, what to eat, how to look, and so on. But it happens that involuntarily every day we subject our freedom of choice to the danger of being infringed. How to remain a full-fledged free personality and at the same time not violate the rights and freedom of other people?
There is the concept of “assertiveness” in psychology; it very accurately describes the correct behavior of an adult, self-confident person. To begin with, assertiveness is a style of behavior, a quality of character that allows a person to defend the boundaries of his personality and protect his goals and interests without aggressiveness, while showing tolerance and respect for the opponent. What manifestations of character and behavior are characteristic of assertive people?
Lack of aggression
First of all, a person with this quality of character does not show aggression.
It is important to note that manifest and feel are two different things. There are people who can control their emotions well so that they are not visible externally. But the external expression on the face does not mean that there is no storm inside a person. An assertive person will both feel externally and internally.
Adequate perception of oneself and others
This characteristic also indicates the presence of a person's assertiveness. When self-confident, non-aggressive person responds to various provocations from others, he does not make maximum demands on the opponent, nor does he relieve him of responsibility for an unpleasant conversation, and tells him about it. Along with this attitude to the interlocutor, the person himself adequately relates to his role in the conversation - in no case does he take all responsibility for unpleasant moments on himself, and also does not completely relieve him of himself.
Constant Awareness of Behavior
This characteristic includes the acceptance and recognition of errors and the absence of conflict. Assertiveness is the correct assessment by a person of his actions. The main thing here is the awareness of the time spent and the effectiveness of their actions. Based on this, an assertive person can abandon a plan that is conceived, even if the opinion of others deteriorates.
Conflict or assertiveness?
Assertiveness in psychology is also understood as the absence of conflict. You can immediately say that this does not happen, if there is no conflict, then there is no upholding of one’s opinion. Unfortunately, many people think so - their interests and rights can only be defended through conflict. Then you need to turn to the concept of "conflict." This is a sharp and emotional contradiction, a clash of opposing interests, goals and opinions. In this definition, it is important to see that a clash, which is called a conflict, is necessarily emotional, acute, and affective. These three signs completely contradict the basic signs of assertiveness - awareness of behavior, lack of aggression and an adequate assessment of the participants in communication and the situation as a whole. You can say that you remain an assertive person until you are involved in a conflict. Naturally, the behavior described above is given to some with great difficulty, not only personal responsibility should be present here, but also proper education from childhood.
Assertiveness is the ability to say no in time
Very often we are faced with situations where you need to say “no” to a person, but we cannot do this for various reasons, and then we ourselves suffer from it. In order to learn to respect yourself, your values, to defend your interests, it is important to be able to abandon something in time. Assertiveness is the ability to say no. For example, a situation: you are standing in a full bus, with a bag in one hand, with the other hand, hold the handrail. The conductor from one end of the minibus asks you to transfer money for the passage of passengers located at the other end. You have the right not to transfer this money, firstly, because your hands are busy and you can fall on a bend, and secondly, you would not want to get your hands dirty about other people's money. If you refuse in this situation, protecting your interests, you will become bad for passengers and the conductor, but still transferring money, you will remain with a feeling of dissatisfaction and violated interests. What to do? You decide!
Rules for saying no
- First of all, you need to be brief. If you start explaining the reason in detail, it will seem like an excuse.
- It is important to show respect for the interlocutor. You can praise or support without taking the burden of responsibility for human actions.
- Sometimes you just need to say no. We are often afraid of the word, thinking that we will lose the favor of man. But the solid "no" is much better and more understandable than the sluggish "I don't know."
- You have to be honest. You have the right to any decision, because you are wasting your time. No need to come up with excuses.
- Hardness. If a persistent interlocutor has come across and he wants to persuade you to his solution to the issue, you need to firmly repeat the "no" several times.
- Lack of guilt. It is not necessary to say that you are uncomfortable or you regret your refusal. If you are unable to lift a block, why apologize to it? So with the responsibility incurred.
- Take care of yourself. First of all, you need to think about your mental and spiritual condition. If you say “yes” - it means to trample your aspirations and interests, then you need to take the opposite position. This is not about sacrifice. Indeed, sometimes for the sake of our loved ones we sacrifice something important for ourselves. Here the question of priorities, personal responsibility comes to the fore.
What kind of nonassertive person is he?
In order to have the principle of personal responsibility as a priority in your behavior, you need to understand that there is another side to the coin - non-assertive behavior. It can be described as excessive softness, perhaps laziness, conformity - an extreme dependence on others. Consider situations in which such behavior may occur:
- a person takes a passive position in a conversation in a group of people;
- allows you to make decisions for him;
- there is a constant evasion of responsibility for seemingly good reasons;
- afraid to start friendships, because he does not want to spend effort;
- low self-esteem is manifested - a person considers himself weaker and worse than the rest;
- avoiding the attention of others;
- slowness in behavior based on avoiding problems and responsibility;
- externally agrees with others, without taking into account their own feelings and desires;
- afraid to cause inconvenience to another, but hurts himself.
A person with such behavior at heart is very tormented, as his choice most often contradicts internal aspirations. In his life begins the so-called negative cycle. What does it mean? When a non-assertive person receives an underestimated rating from a significant person, he begins to “eat up” himself from within, suffer from doubts about his abilities, behavior, success in life, and his responsibility for himself decreases. As a result of this, he, as it were, renounces himself, begins to live a double life: on the one hand, he still has desires and interests, on the other hand, he cannot express and protect them. All this can lead to unnatural relationships with people, lack of true friendship. Assertiveness is an effective interaction of people without any doubts and guesses.
How do you know if you are an assertive person?
The problem of studying self-confidence, achieving good luck, and assertiveness is dealt with in the section of the science of the soul - general psychology. To determine this quality in character, you can pass a small assertiveness test, consult a specialist, or observe your behavior in everyday life. By the way, in psychological science, observation or self-observation (introspection) is of great importance, as it provides a significant amount of information about the observed object. Therefore, it is important to monitor how you say no, whether your aggression towards your interlocutor is manifested, whether it’s hard for you to defend your rights calmly, without conflicts, and so on. The best way to see yourself from the outside is the opinion of a loved one about your behavior.
What gives us the principle of responsibility for our behavior?
For the full development of the personality, it is important to be an assertive person. After all, what we have inherent in nature or God, our parents, we keep throughout our lives, achieving success and accepting defeat without guilt or formed low self-esteem. Acting on the principles of assertive behavior, we will achieve goals, reach heights and have effective interpersonal relationships.