"Mom" - for some, this word means care, affection, patience, acceptance and support, while others feel rigor, authority, coldness or pressure. The image of mom accompanies us throughout life, whether we want it or not. Poor relationships with the mother often cause serious psychological problems and complexes. After all, in every person a little child continues to live up to gray hair. How to restore bad relations with the mother, psychology for women and men - more.
The karmic aspect of relationships with mom
Why does a person have a bad relationship with his mother? Karma sees mom like a mirror. In particular, this statement is true for girls and women. If you don’t like something in your mother, you cannot accept her, look at her as a reflection of yourself. What are your personality traits that you don’t accept too much, like your mom’s? Think about how you can fix them, change your attitude towards mom, because she also goes through certain lessons.
When Mom's Too Much
When does a bad relationship with a mother arise? Psychology says that the relationship between a mother and a child ceases to be healthy when there are a lot of mothers, she tries to control everything, she notices only negative sides, for example, like this: "Well done, but if you did as I told you, it would be better, but now what. " In the end, the child grows up with the thought that he is not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not able to achieve success.
A Few Causes of Bad Relationships
There are several specific reasons why a relationship is bad with your mother. We will analyze them in detail:
- Child abuse in childhood. The innuendo, resentment, anger experienced in childhood is not erased from memory, even in adulthood. Perhaps you even tried to find an excuse for your parents, but you couldn’t, it’s natural, because the child is defenseless against adults. Take these memories as a fact of your biography, yes, the parents were like that, childhood was not the best, but this is a great reason to make the present and future beautiful.
- Rivalry. The situation when a grown-up child says that he will not be like his parents and lives with one thought - to become better than parents. This poses serious problems with the opposite sex. A person simply has no time to build a relationship with someone else, because he is constantly poking around in the family of his parents and looking for new flaws, leaving no room for romantic feelings. Accept that your parents are older, and this gives them a number of social advantages over you as a relationship. And also, what you like or dislike, but at least half of you are your parents.
- You did not feel that your parents were proud of you, and they rarely praised you. What to do about it? Just accept that for many people, the real problem is to praise openly, say compliments or kind words. This does not mean at all that within themselves they do not experience pride, joy and other positive emotions. Do not live in the past.
Consider what psychology says. Bad relationships with the mother will be considered separately for men and women. We will analyze several psychological portraits of different types of families.
Resentment
She was so capable from early childhood, but then she stopped studying, married a loser, gave birth to a child and does not see anything except four walls. And now there is also a bad relationship with her mother, because she snarls about and without or, at best, speaks through her teeth, why is this happening? Such a picture is observed in a family where mom immediately combines two qualities: self-doubt and ambitiousness. Mom decided to implement her own Napoleonic plans through her daughter, not putting a preference on the child in anything. Growing up, the girl declared a riot.
Jealousy
Bad relations between mother and daughter on the basis of jealousy are observed in the family, where one child is considered to be a gift of God, and another is given, as they say, what remains. Such girls seem to wear a dress with an ugly second number and all their life they are trying to prove to their mother that they are also worth something, and having got what they tried so hard for, their precious mother’s attention, they don’t know how to enjoy it. Inside them, for years, resentment, irritation, rejection of oneself as a personality have accumulated. The only way out is to apologize to mom.
Negation
Bad relations between mother and daughter arise in "father" daughters. Daughters do not like the image of how mom lives, that they constantly repeat to themselves: "I'm not like mom." Forgetting that the subconscious mind does not perceive negation and sooner or later become exact copies of the mother, living that life from which they tried to escape, and the greater the similarity with the mother, the more accumulated irritation. The way out is to stop looking at mom and do "not so", but just live your own life.
Wines
Mom worked in three jobs to provide and educate her daughter, and now she receives an ungrateful attitude from day to day, but it was worth such an effort. In such a family, parents who want to get more recognition from the children, because the husband is not too grateful at home, or the mother-in-law, or the boss at work does not appreciate, shift the responsibility onto them and make them live in guilt. Often this is expressed in such phrases: "When you fell ill, I didn’t sleep at night, but remember that operation, how much did my father and I have to work for her? Did your English tutor just come to you, or did we hire him for you? So far I was in hospitals with you, your older sister was at home alone. " This wine can eventually grow to a cosmic scale and simply strangle. Talk to mom about the responsibility for her own decisions.
Change
Bad relationships with the mother may be due to age. All parents go through an eternal conflict between fathers and children. In a few years, when a teenager grows up, the relationship will improve. Another reason that relations have deteriorated may lie in a change of scenery. For example, you lived alone for a long time, and now a new man or woman has appeared in your life. Any change of scenery is perceived by the child as a threat to well-being, even if he is already quite an adult. Maybe your son or daughter doesn’t like some flaws in the new soul mate that you don’t notice, or don’t want to notice, because you are afraid to be alone again. Talk impartially and try to calmly find out the reasons for what is happening.
Bad relationship with son
The reasons why a son has a bad relationship with his mother may be different, but basically it develops because the son does not look like either father or mother. He listens to some strange music, wears long hair, shouts, protests, defends his interests, doesn’t want to go into economics (and how much effort and money has been spent for this), strumming guitar or drawing terrible tattoo sketches, well how to live calmly when everything is wrong. This is the same situation as in the case of daughters, only in a slightly different plane.
Psychological portrait of a man with a lack of female love
Poor relations between mother and son hurt the male psyche. An unloved, unsatisfied boy in his childhood, who was often criticized and praised a little, becomes a self-doubt man. Outwardly, he may look amazing, have some attributes of a successful life (a car, his own apartment, expensive things), but inside himself he will remain the same boy. As a rule, it is difficult for him to make decisions, because he continues to doubt his own abilities, he is incredulous, quick-tempered and emotional, subject to constant changes in mood. He is rarely happy in a love relationship, as at a deep level he continues to consider himself unworthy of love and attracts appropriate girls who do not know how to love. His companion will need time and a large margin of patience for the situation to change for the better.
Son and ex-husband
The second reason for a man’s bad relationship with his mother is his mother’s negative relationship with her ex-husband. This is especially pronounced if the son looks very much like his father. Then the mother does not complain about her son, but about what is in him from his father, all that prevented her from her point of view to build a happy marriage.
In this situation, there are several solutions:
- Let go of his son, let him live his life, rarely see each other on holidays and not try to remake him.
- Talk to each other without social roles, as if two people just sat down to talk over a cup of tea, or on a train. Listen to everything, just like a story and tell your own.
- It will be good if the son can forget at least for a while that mom is a mom and talk as he usually talks to his beloved girlfriend or wife, try to understand the meaning of her actions in this way, look at the situation through her eyes, and not through the eyes of an offended child.
Son and father
This form of relationship is somewhat different from the previous model. In such relationships, the mother sends an unconscious message to her son, the future man, that she cannot live without him. It would seem that it is bad, but the impulse turns into total control. Such a mother is demanding and often does not want to see that her adult son also has personal space. The little boy is afraid to be rejected by his mother and agrees to such a game. He is serious over the years, very responsible, in this situation, he builds up bad relations with his father, with whom he can conflict for the rest of his life. However, the mother does not benefit from this, the boy grows into an aggressive man who wants to control every step of his family, he burns out at work, believes that love needs to be earned and does not believe in her.
How to change the relationship of mother and son?
Some tips for moms who want to get in touch with mature sons:
- Leave your son’s personal life alone, give him the opportunity to love the girl he chooses.
- Advise if he asks you, but not earlier.
- Remind him that you love him, even if your son is already over thirty.
- If you are far away, use Skype or social networks to throw a couple of joint photos.
- Do not call five times a day, it is better to make one short call once every few days.
- Abandon the habit of raising your voice at your son and screaming.
- Take your grandchildren more often for the weekend.
- The son’s wife is your daughter and his beloved woman, but not your rival for his love.
- Arrange a family vacation in the park, cinema or in the country, such events are very unifying.
- Tell your son that he will succeed, you just need to show a little patience.
Changing Mom's Role
Raised children have a bad relationship with their mother, what should I do? Stop being a mother in the classic "childish" sense of the word. Your children may already be the parents themselves. Even very bad relationships with the mother can be corrected. Surely you can say that your advice is appreciated by many, but not by children. But for others, you give advice in a slightly different manner: friendly, understanding, not burdensome. Transfer this atmosphere to relationships with children, do not be a strict teacher for them, who constantly corrects, edifies, punishes and strictly watches.
Letter and thanks
So, you have a bad relationship with your mother, what should I do? Stop digging into the reasons for what is left far in the past. Release emotions that deprive you of joy and a happy life every day. Just imagine how much energy space will be freed up for joy and positive emotions. Even if you do not want to forgive your mother for something, do it not for her, but for your own sake. Negative emotions experienced every day for many years cause diseases, cause stress and emotional breakdowns.
Think about why you can be grateful to your mother. It may be the same doll that you dreamed of as a child, cotton candy in a circus, skates or a machine, start small. Create a thank you list for mom and in a few days you will see how much your subconscious mind remembered. These happy memories were always with you, they were just hindered by negative emotions. Write a letter to your mother in which you say everything you wanted to say over the course of several years, or maybe all your life. It is not necessary to send it, just speak out. You will see that it becomes easier.
Look for the resemblance to your mother, consult her even for little things, and say more often that you need her. Then your relationship will definitely get warmer.