The book of the famous American author John Gray Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, translated into Russian, "Men from Mars, Women from Venus", is one of the most famous works on the psychology of relations. This work was published in 1993 and almost immediately became a bestseller.
What is the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" about? This is a guide by family psychologist John Gray on harmonizing the relationship between a man and a woman.
Author Biography
For starters, a little touch on the biography of an American writer and therapist. Gray was born in Houston, Texas in 1951. His father was the head of an oil refining company, his mother worked in a bookstore where esoteric works were sold. His parents were Christians and taught him yoga. As a child, his parents invited him to visit the Indian saint Yogananda. The autobiography of famous yoga masters inspired him much later in life. Education in the spiritual classical traditions reflected in the worldview of Gray.
He graduated from Lamar High School. He studied at the University of St. Thomas, also at the University of Texas, but did not graduate from a higher educational institution. He received a bachelor's and master's degree in psychological sciences. Information about the university where he received his degree varies. It is not known whether this degree was obtained from the unaccredited Maharishi University of European Studies (MERU) in Switzerland or the fully accredited Maharishi International University in Fairfield, Iowa .
In 1982, Gray received his Ph.D. from Columbia Pacific University, a now defunct educational institution located in San Rafael, California.
Personal life
Gray is a family therapist and member of the American Counseling Association and the International Marriage and Family Counseling Association. The famous psychologist married the well-known author of psychology books, Barbara De Angelis, they divorced in 1984, not finding mutual understanding in a couple. The divorce made him overestimate everything he thought about the relationship between the sexes. He believes that what makes women happy is completely different from what makes men happy. Gray married his current wife, Bonnie, in 1986, that is, they have been married for more than thirty years. He has a daughter and two stepson.
The beginning of the creative path
In 1969, Gray attended lectures on Transcendental Meditation. He later made a vow of celibacy and became the personal assistant of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. He studied with him for nine years, mastering, according to him, many life and esoteric truths. Gray writes his column in the most famous magazines, the number of its readers reaches 30 million people. The New York Daily News magazine regularly published his articles. Internationally, Gray's publications appeared in England, Canada, Mexico, Korea, Latin America, and the South Pacific. Such unheard of popularity can be easily explained by the radically new approach of the writer to the ancient, as a universe, problem of relations of opposite sexes.
The main theme of the book
The content of the book “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” is completely devoted to love relationships. Gray in his book considers the topic of relations between a man and a woman, also gives a kind of key to understanding the opposite sex. According to him, most of the typical problems in intimate relationships are the result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes.
The book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" uses the theory that male and female are so different that they can be considered aliens from two opposite planets of our Galaxy. Gray uses the images of the deities of Ancient Rome, Mars and Venus as a metaphor for describing stereotypes of the behavior of men and women. The metaphor of Mars and Venus from this new theory is important for understanding the opposite sex. The book attempts to explore what values men and women have. Indeed, in essence, our ideas about life are different.
Gray also names the two biggest mistakes that people make regarding the opposite sex: men mistakenly offer solutions and do not attach due importance to feelings and emotions, while women offer unsolicited advice and recommendations. By understanding our nature and genetics, it becomes apparent why men and women unknowingly make these mistakes. Remembering these differences, we can correct our mistakes and respond to each other more productively. It is also necessary to understand that men and women struggle with stress in different ways. Men tend to shut themselves up and silently think about what worries them; women feel a natural need to talk about what worries them.
The author gives new strategies for achieving harmony in relationships in these conflicting times. It also gives tips on how to motivate the opposite sex. Typically, men get motivated when they feel needed doing something, while women are motivated when they feel welcome. Three steps are also taken to improve relationships and explore ways to overcome the biggest problems: for a man, it is necessary to overcome the resistance to giving love, and for women, it is necessary to overcome the resistance to receiving love.
Using the tips from this book can bring positive results and give a harmonious relationship. The author sees an understanding of the differences in the nature of male and female sexes, which are caused by many factors, as the key to mutual understanding. In the book “Men from Mars, Women from Venus,” the chapters are divided by topic, for example, chapter 4 (“Woman as a wave”) is devoted to the essence of female energy. There are 13 chapters in the book.
John Gray Concept
According to Gray, without the realization that men and women are opposites, they will not reach agreement in a relationship. People usually get angry at their partner or simply feel disappointed in the opposite field because they forget this important truth. There are expectations that the opposite sex should be similar to ourselves.
Men and women want their desires and sensations to coincide with the desires and sensations of their other half. They mistakenly believe that if their partners love, they will react and behave in a certain way. There is an expectation that the partner will communicate and act like his lover.
This attitude makes you disappointed again and again and does not allow you to productively build love relationships. The male sex expects women to think, behave and express themselves emotionally the way they do. The female gender, in turn, also thinks incorrectly that men feel, communicate and think like they do. There must be an understanding that men and women are creatures that are different in nature. As a result, the relationship is filled with unnecessary misunderstandings and scandals. Clear recognition and respect for these differences dramatically reduces confusion when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. Just do not forget that men and women are "representatives of different planets." Readers' reviews of “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” are mostly positive and suggest that many have improved their relationships using the advice from the book.
Book success
In 1992, Gray published his book Men from Mars, Women from Venus, which sold over 7 million copies in its first year of sales. According to a 1997 book publisher report, it’s the best-selling hardcover bestseller in book sales history. The book has become a "popular paradigm" for solving problems in relationships based on differences in the perception of life by men and women. The book’s popularity led to commercials, audio recordings, seminars, Broadway shows, and even television comedies featuring John Gray. The author also signed a contract for the film with the 20th Century Fox film studio. The book was published in 40 languages and brought Gray almost 18 million dollars, becoming the most famous publication on popular psychology.
In 1996, Gray, together with Bart and Maya Behrens, founded the Institute of Mars and Venus. Bart Behrens was the president, and Maya Behrens was the director. In 1997, Gray began opening counseling centers for Mars and Venus, where he trains therapists on the Mars and Venus technique in exchange for a one-time license fee and monthly royalty payments. However, these projects have been criticized due to commercialization.
The influence of the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" on society
This work has become a part of popular culture and has received wide public resonance. The book in English was published in 1992. In the 1990s, it has been on the bestseller list for a long time, has been translated into more than 40 languages and sold over 50 million copies at the moment. One of the quotes from “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” is Gray’s advice: “To understand women, you must be her, and if she cannot be, you just need to accept them as they are - full of secrets and real attractiveness in their originality. " The book became an ambulance for solving problems in partnerships and marital relations arising from gender differences. Understanding your partner and accepting his needs is the main idea of the book “Men from Mars, Women from Venus”. Reviews of psychologists talk about the effectiveness of advice from the book.
Metaphor as the essence of theory
In his interviews and seminars, Gray also says that in order to make it easier to explain his concept, he created a metaphor that men came from the planet Mars and women came from Venus and that each gender was used to the habits of its planet, often incomprehensible to the other . This central metaphor comes from the Roman deities of Mars and Venus, personifying the feminine and masculine, which are the opposite of each other, but they are still attracted to each other.
Of course, there are critics of Gray's concept. The idea that men and women communicate differently is discussed in a book by Scott O. Lilienfeld and his coauthors on myths of popular psychology. The authors note that Gray does not provide any systematic research in support of his thesis, and published data do not show significant differences in relation to interpersonal communication.
Reader reviews
Having published his famous work, Gray received a huge number of enthusiastic reviews. “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” is a work that has entered the top three most influential books published over the past 30 years. The author has released various recordings of trainings and educational programs on sexuality and relationships. Applying the techniques and tips from this book in practice will bear fruit. The main thing, according to the author, is the desire to develop.
His fans and book readers leave thousands of inspiring reviews. “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” is a practical tool for improving the ability to communicate with the opposite sex.
John Gray Statements
Gray made many appearances in the media, including the Oprah Winfrey and Larry King shows . His interviews were published in Newsweek, People, and Forbes magazines. In a June 2017 interview with France-Presse, Gray made a statement regarding feminism: “One of the reasons that there are so many divorces is that feminism contributes to women's independence. I am very glad that women will become more independent, but when you go too far in this direction, who will take care of the hearth? " He also stated that in Australia and Latin America, his books sell much better due to the more traditional views of the female population of these countries.
Regarding Internet pornography, Gray said that “with free Internet access, pornography has become mass addiction,” adding that millions and millions of people experience sexual satisfaction through fantasies. The effect that porn has on the brain is similar to heroin. Regarding telephone sex and other things, he states: "When you have sex with an impersonal person, it contributes to sexual addiction, the same goes for pornography." All this, in his opinion, is a phenomenon that destroys traditional family values.
Tips for women
Based on years of therapeutic practice, John Gray gives advice on how to recognize the differences in the emotional needs and behavior of men and women in order to better understand the partners. Gray writes in his book that the common misconception that women allow is the idea that promiscuous connections will give a sense of self-worth. To feel special again, a woman is often tempted to use sex as a means of achieving man's attention and love.
Unfortunately, this approach leads to disastrous results. Going in search of love, a woman realizes that her self-esteem depends on the attention of the opposite sex. But in reality, she initially should feel worthy of a great feeling, and only then build a relationship. Otherwise, such a sick addiction will frighten away the partner, and again she will suffer a heart injury. Healing the soul is the best way to increase the self-esteem and significance of the female personality. It is necessary to take time to experience the old feelings, instead of immediately entering into a new relationship. Feeling sadness and anger because they were neglected in the past, having parted with them with a sense of forgiveness, people become really ready for a new relationship.