Relations of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law: how to live without conflicts

Why does no one tell jokes about mother-in-law? There are many of them, and of course they are composed by men who are “victims” of conflict with their wife’s mother. As a rule, funny and not very, stories about the relationship between these heroes appear due to the fact that the sons-in-law relate to the mother-in-law’s quirks with their inherent degree of humor, condescendingly remain silent, remaining in a strong position.

The relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law often resemble the plots of thrillers in which only one hero remains alive. In such situations, it would be no laughing matter to preserve the family and common sense. The article discusses the main reasons for the onset of "military" conflicts between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law because of the man they love, and gives possible options for how to get out of them in a worthy way without harming others.

Sissy

Blessed are the times when people lived in a primitive communal system, one large commune, where everything belonged to everyone, there were no wives, husbands, and children were brought up by the whole tribe. How not to breathe on the golden days after another scandal with the mother-in-law?

There are many examples both in life and in literature (let us recall Ostrovsky’s “Thunderstorm”) when a mother, an imperious nature, but at the same time selfishly loving her son, became the cause of the collapse of a young family, sometimes fatal. In such a situation, the attitude of the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law is more like a person’s reaction to the invader of his territory. After all, her beloved child was encroached, taken away, taken out of control, and now another woman dictates her own rules to him.

Often this happens when a woman raised her own “bloodlet”, in the literal sense of the word, blowing dust off him, pampering and justifying his shortcomings. In this case, the daughter-in-law can be sympathetic, since she will have a battle for the object of her love, in which the advantages are not on her side. It is enough for mother-in-law to constantly point out to his son the shortcomings of his beloved (poorly cooked, poorly ironed, no taste, slut, etc.), imaginary or existing, so that from childhood spoiled by her attention, he made the same conclusion.

What to do in such a situation?

In this case, the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law should be minimized by the latter. Ideally, to go to live in another city or even a country, as living in the free access to the son’s family will allow his mother to poison their relationship until the break. It should be remembered that a young woman has a hidden "weapon" in the fight against her mother-in-law - her sexuality. Being interesting to the husband and constantly desired will allow the latter to look through his fingers at all the mortal sins that his mother attributes to his object of love.

How can a daughter-in-law behave with her mother-in-law, who, like the harpy, is trying to return her chick to the nest, without even thinking that her son has already grown up and has his own life? The best way to strip an “enemy” of your advantage is to smile and agree:

• Dust under the bed? Yes, to blame, thanks for noticing, I’ll take it away.
• Is the roast burnt? Smile and compliment: unfortunately, I still do not know how to cook as tasty as you.

If you conduct such tactics of behavior for a sufficiently long time, then the attitude of the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law is unlikely to become better, but she will have nothing to cover. Especially if the son sees that his wife smiles sweetly at her mother and thanks for the help.

Old age is not joy

Even if the woman around is characterized as a good mother with a golden heart and a complaisant character, this does not guarantee that she will be a great mother-in-law. A conflict with a daughter-in-law may arise not because of a scandalous nature or a feeling of loss, but because of a primitive fear of loneliness. In this case, the woman’s deepest feelings are affected, especially if she devoted her life to her son. The realization that he is no longer her baby and spends most of his time with his family creates a void that is even difficult to fill in with the presence of grandchildren in life, especially if they live not within walking distance from their grandmother.

Fear of lonely old age provokes actions that spoil the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. The advice in this case is the same for both women - patience and attention:

• In-law is important to understand that the chosen one of the son is only his choice, and the duty of a loving mother to respect him. Going into conflict with the daughter-in-law, she only alienates her own child from herself.
• The daughter-in-law should be aware that this woman’s world was focused on her son, and if he is no longer the center of her universe, then the loss is truly great. A little attention and a few kind words spoken by the mother-in-law when meeting or in conversation will create the foundation for a strong relationship.

In such a situation, the son must show material concern, which will make it clear that his mother is still an important part of his life. Attitude of the daughter-in-law to the mother-in-law should be more at the level of communication. To ask how her husband’s mother was under pressure today or how her day went is not difficult, even if you have to listen to a list of all the diseases. But such care will not go unnoticed.

Mom is right, even if not right

How to understand the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, if the former has an authoritarian character that does not tolerate objections and refusals, and the latter matches her. A similar combination is finding all life on the front line on the line of fire. In this case, "volleys" will be heard from both fronts. If a guy grew up in an environment where his mother decided everything (with whom to be friends, how to dress, get a haircut, etc.), and he could not resist her even during the period of “hormone surges”, then most likely he will find himself the same a wife who will take care of all family and household issues.

In such a situation, he would rather become a victim, being caught between two fires. In the event that the man is still emotionally connected with his mother, and her word for him is the law, the daughter-in-law only remains:

• to reconcile and submit to the mother-in-law, yielding to her in everything (in this case, even a long truce is possible);
• wage a guerrilla warfare, not entering into an open confrontation, but gradually pulling the husband to his side;
• show open hostility with all the consequences.

People say about such situations in the family "found a scythe on a stone." In psychology, she calls such a relationship between her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law deadlocks, since without a compromise and maintaining a distance in communication between both sides, it is impossible to keep the family together. A man will have to choose with whom to stay: with his mother or wife. Or take responsibility and prohibit both from waging skirmishes and doing nasty things to each other, even in his presence.

"Housing issue spoiled them"

Everything is much more complicated when the daughter-in-law in the mother-in-law's house lives permanently. As a rule, the time of falling in love, and then the wedding, are the most exciting moments in the life of any woman, until it comes to the realization that all the relatives of the husband go along with marriage as a bonus.

Crossing the threshold of his house, the young wife is unlikely to be ready to conduct hostilities with her mother-in-law, but if these women had equal relations before living together, then life could nullify them. Unfortunately, the use of small square meters of kitchen, one bathroom and a bathroom with the arrival of another tenant is unlikely to make residents happier.

If a man brought his wife to his mother’s house, the latter should have either an angelic character or the same patience in order to accept another woman in the kitchen. If so, then the daughter-in-law should understand how lucky she is and call this woman “my beloved mother-in-law”. There are many examples of such relationships in history, but they indicate the presence of harmony and respect between two strange women only if both have a good upbringing, a sense of tact and the ability to forgive.

If hostility has begun between youth and old age, then do not wait for good. Old people like to teach, especially on their territory, and young people think that they know more about life, so they snap back.

Tip. If you have to live with an evil mother-in-law on her living space, then there are several options to avoid conflicts:

• Do not respond to provocations by the husband’s mother. You can always just nod, say: “well, I’ll correct myself” without wasting time arguing.
• Load the mother-in-law to the maximum. If a woman works, then arrange her an interesting weekend in the form of trips on excursions in order to stay with her husband in the apartment alone at least for a short while. If she is a housewife, then choose a hobby for her, for example, cooking classes, volunteering, etc.
• Minimize common ground. For example, get up before the mother-in-law to calmly drink coffee in the kitchen, or wait for her to leave to do the cleaning, etc.

In general, psychologists do not recommend two generations to survive under one roof. No wonder the Bible says:

Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and two will be one flesh.

When the son and daughter-in-law live separately, the mother-in-law’s periodic “raids” can be experienced as a natural disaster: “here it was, and no.”

Love or paranoia?

A focus on the son, especially if he is the only, and even a late child, does not bode well in the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. In this case, any woman will be unworthy of the love of her son.

The offspring of such mothers themselves can either be closely connected spiritually with them, or take the maternal attitude for granted. In the first case, the daughter-in-law has little chance of winning, since the sons of feelings and maternal “paranoid” attachment to him are insurmountable. The only thing that can be done is to reconcile and try to at least pretend that the mother-in-law is the best mother and woman on the planet.

If the second option, then there will be undisguised hostility on the part of the mother-in-law, because she will blame the daughter-in-law for the fact that she is guilty of her estrangement and indifference to her mother.

Tip. In the first case, the best option to save the family would be moving to another city. It will not be easy to persuade a loving son to do this, so you will have to draw up a whole strategy, possibly with the help of friends, his superiors and “otherworldly forces”.

In the second case, it is enough to ensure that the son gives his mother proper attention at the level of communication with his visit on a weekend, but it is not recommended to allow daily visits by the mother-in-law. No matter how loyal the daughter-in-law, her husband’s mother will always blame her for taking her “blood” away, even after 20 years and with 3-4 grandchildren.

Eyewinker

Finding faults in the daughter-in-law is my mother-in-law's favorite pastime. The reason for this lies all in the same love for the child and jealousy. The last feeling can poison the life of everyone in this triangle. Jealousy for the young darling of the son, to whom he now devotes all his time, is a constant stimulator of developing hostility towards the daughter-in-law.

In this case, the mother will involuntarily look for flaws in the daughter-in-law in order to assert herself that she makes everything worse, and does not provide her offspring with proper care. Regardless of who is jealous: a man or a woman, this is not a feeling that allows you to think sensibly. In the case of maternal love, this is also true.

If the mother-in-law pokes her nose everywhere, tells her daughter-in-law what to do, and “crawls” with all her mistakes and shortcomings and demands that they be followed, then there is an elementary female jealousy of one woman for another.

Tip. Only a unilateral daughter-in-law is able to resolve a conflict situation. This work is not easy, and sometimes you have to wait for the result for years, but if the love for the man is such that it’s worth fighting for him, then you just have to be patient and calm.

It’s important for the daughter-in-law to understand that it is impossible to follow the jealous mother-in-law’s cause, otherwise her whole life will have to live under the yoke of her “love”. But also to respond with a conflict to a conflict is also not recommended. Here's how to solve the problem:

• Patiently let mother-in-law understand that no one took her son’s love for her. It’s just that now his affection for his mother gets along well with sympathy for his wife. It will take a lot of time and effort to pay off the negative state, but it's worth it.
• Each time the mother-in-law indicates the next mistake to the daughter-in-law or “climbs” with advice, transfer the conversation to her herself. Suffice it to say that she, the daughter-in-law, does not deserve such close attention to her person, let her mother better tell how her day went.

In case of any squabbles, at least one of the participants in the conflict should remember the injured party: the man who caused the “war”. He loves both women, and it is better not to put him in a position where you have to make a choice in favor of one of them.

What does Orthodoxy say about the conflict?

Nowadays, many people have to rediscover God and His Word. It just so happened that religion has ceased to be a fundamental factor when it comes to feelings between a man and a woman, respect and respect for elders, raising children in humility and much more.

If we take Orthodoxy as a basis, it says there about the relations of the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law that in order to avoid discord in the family, one should pray. The daughter-in-law should thank the Lord for the mother of her husband, who gave him life and raised a good man. Mother-in-law should say a prayer in gratitude for the fact that her son met his love, and that they had a way in the family and beautiful, healthy children.

During prayer, the human soul is cleansed, so any scandals are simply annulled by themselves. A joint trip to the church is a good start to a good relationship.

Lucky with mother in law

There are also many families in which daughter-in-law calls her husband’s mother “my beloved mother-in-law”. Many are surprised how lucky it is that both the husband is good and his relatives are dear. In fact, this is not strange. As psychologists note, children always pick up a mate, relying on the prototypes of their parents.

If the man’s mother is an intelligent, kind, sympathetic woman, then he will find the same wife for himself. The choice is often per person makes his subconscious. It is put on guard of our interests, therefore, if a boy has a trusting relationship with his mother since childhood, he will “find” him the same life partner.

This also applies if the mother is an authoritarian woman. The initiative suppressed from the boy’s childhood, unwillingness to take responsibility and low self-esteem subconsciously “choose” him a woman who will push him around, and she will have all the reins of government in her family.

Therefore, the concept of “lucky” with the mother-in-law does not exist. There are always two similarities here: either well-educated, or authoritarian, etc. women. Of course, there are exceptions. Often a woman, having experienced trouble from her mother-in-law, gives the word not to interfere in the life of her son and holds him. In any case, if the mother-in-law is the second mother, then this relationship should be protected.

Conclusion

So to summarize. The conflict between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is a centuries-old “tradition” in interpersonal relationships within the family. To minimize strife, you should follow simple rules:

• At least one person (mother-in-law or daughter-in-law) must remain calm if the conflict is already ripe. If both women do not differ in patience and do not want to give in to each other, then the role of the arbitrator should be taken by the man. The ideal situation is when he managed to calm his mother and his wife to stop the flow of words.
• The mother-in-law should respect the choice of the son and in no case offend his taste in the choice of women or reproach the inability to understand people. Young people should eat their own “pound of salt”, the third in these relations is superfluous.
• The daughter-in-law should respect the mother of her lover, because she gave birth and raised him, even if she impartially speaks of her. You should not discuss your mother-in-law with other people, let alone complain to her husband about how bad his mother is. This is likely to lead to the collapse of the family.

Psychologists advise women to be interested in what their chosen one's mother is, even before going to the altar. You need to ask him to tell about his childhood, about his mother, their relationship. Based on the foregoing, it will be possible to draw a conclusion about the strength of their affection, the way of communication, etc. “Who is warned is armed” - the Latin proverb says, and this also applies to the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.