The times when children were brought up with rods, in severity and humility, have long passed. Today, every conscious mother tries to educate in her own child an interesting personality, personality and just a healthy member of society without complexes and mental problems. And then the question arises: how not to yell at the child? This problem arises even in the most loyal and friendly families. Let's figure out why and how to deal with it.
What is this phenomenon
How often from wonderful and very loving mothers you can hear pleading: “I yell at my child! I do not know what to do! Help!" With such words and tears full of eyes, women frantically seek advice on the Web, run to friends or turn to psychologists. So what is this phenomenon? Everything is simple. This means that at some point, the mother loses control of herself, allows all the accumulated negative emotions to go outside and directs their entire turbulent flow to a small and defenseless person, to the one whom she loves more than anyone in the world and who will not be able to their age and position to respond to a surge of aggression. Unfortunately, a person often does not see himself in such moments, because few people yell at their child, standing in front of a mirror. And it looks like this: anger in the eyes, tense and distorted muscles of the face or even the whole body, disheveled hair and a terrible voice. Yes Yes! This is what the beloved child sees when his mother screams at him.
Many will say that they themselves deserve it. Is that so? Here are the main reasons for mom's scream.
Reason 1: stress
The most common today is stress in the absence of child's guilt. Like this? Yes, very easy! A woman who is overwhelmed by stress, hassle and fatigue, simply breaks down on the one who will not show resistance. And often without even realizing it. Let's think about whether an accidentally broken old vase, a poorly told verse at school, or a dirty jacket are really worth so many experiences. Perhaps the beloved child touched this vessel when he tried to get a book for himself, because his mother was not at home. Perhaps the son or daughter did not tell the poem well, because the stomach ached. Probably a new sweater was stained by a cocky classmate that neither teachers nor parents can handle. But the sleepy and tired mother did not understand, but simply yelled from the doorway.
Reason 2: lack of attention
Today, women are very often engaged in careers, work and self-realization. For some this is the only way to survive, for others it is an inner need. Be that as it may, mothers do not sit at home, but are in offices, at business meetings and on business trips. And it turns out that their children see and hear their own person less often than her colleagues and business partners. In order to attract attention, both kids, schoolchildren, and even teenagers unknowingly choose the most affordable way - to foul. After all, then mom will come off the computer monitor or tablet and look into their eyes, even with a scream and abuse. And let these minutes be scary, but they will belong only to them and mother, whose attention is so lacking.
Reason 3: disobedience
The most difficult and controversial problem is that the child indulges and does not obey. Firstly, this behavior may be due to factors outlined in the previous two paragraphs. If, nevertheless, there is enough attention and the mother is trying to understand the essence of the situation, and the child continues to behave not as it should, then you need to understand further. Here it is better to divide the problem into conditional age categories:
- Toddlers, preschoolers and primary school children. Often, these guys are doing wrong simply because they do not yet have a clear distinction between good and bad. Their pampering is just a game, the goal of which is ultimately the knowledge of the world.
- Children of secondary school age. Pampering as such is already behind. Now the child tries on various roles, checks the axioms of life given by parents, and is simply mistaken.
- High school students and teenagers. At this age, the causes of disobedience are most often protest, a desire to stand out, or a search for an inner self.
If you understand the reason why the child acted one way or another, then in many cases there will be no need for abuse, and another will arise - to talk heart to heart. And here all the best qualities of a mother will come in handy: patience, understanding, sympathy, empathy and, of course, love. Such conversations will not only help solve problems of behavior or study, but will also present many pleasant moments, bring parents and children together.
Having understood the reasons for their cry, many mothers no longer ask how to not yell at the child. If it still does not work, then we follow the tips outlined below.
Tip 1: remove irritants
How not to break down on a child if, as they say, nerves are not suited to hell. First you need to review your life schedule and remove from it the maximum possible number of irritants. For example, stop communicating with a friend who cries all the time and gives only negative. Just say “no” to her and delete the number from the phone. Cruel? No, because their children are much more important and more expensive than anyone else. Or try to change the job at which everything got tired. It is difficult and scary, but it is possible if the psychological health of their children depends on it. Etc. Then you need to draw up your daily routine so that there is always time for yourself, for sleep, and for communication with children.
Does not work? You can try to attend a training in time management, where experts will teach you how to plan the time. And the last thing is to find an activity or activity that will help relieve stress. It is enough for someone to crumple a piece of paper, others go to the gym to beat a punching bag, still others put on sneakers and run through the park and so on. The main thing is to throw out the negative not on your child.
Tip 2: think about the consequences
Often, mothers do not have enough motivation to start acting and change something. It’s a pity the kid, they scold themselves, but they calm down themselves, they say, with whom it does not happen. Each time, before yelling, imagine what harm you are doing to your child. The little man is scared, his consciousness cannot cope and process this horror, nerve cells are destroyed, the connections between neurons and so on are lost. This is fraught with nervous disorders, psychological diseases that can lead to the loss of physical health. Not scary? Then come up with your own picture of the harm done by the parental scream. For example, imagine that each time a parent yawes, a child eats a poisonous mushroom that destroys its nervous system and can cause very serious harm to a small organism.
Tip 3: relax
How not to break down on a child with a magic pill? There is no such remedy, but a variety of herbal teas and infusions will help mom to calm down. Just do not self-medicate. It is better to consult a doctor for help and choose the drug that strengthens the nervous system and does not harm health. In no case should you try to relieve stress through smoking or alcohol. These funds will not solve problems, but rather add new ones. Another good way to relax and calm down is to take a bath or shower. Water, as you know, has the unique property of washing away negative energy and giving strength.
Tip 4: a constraint
Another good way to not yell at a child is to find a deterrent. Most mothers will not yell at their child in the presence of guests or just strangers. More often than not, screaming and swearing fall upon the child when no one is around. If so, then it is worthwhile, before you start to yell hysterically, imagine that guests are sitting in the next room or in the kitchen. This can be a deterrent. Then take a deep breath and leave the room, for example onto the balcony. To stand, breathe fresh air, think about what happened, analyze the situation and, having calmed down a little, return to the child to calmly discuss the problem or controversial situation.
Tip 5: Conditional Sign
There is another way that has become almost a classic, a way to deal with the manifestations of aggression in relation to your own child. You need to agree with your son or daughter about a symbol or phrase that a child can use if he sees that his mother is losing control of herself. It can be a raised hand, a face covered by hands, or said: "Mom, stop, let's talk." This will be a sign indicating the border beyond which the child is scared and hurt. Mom, in turn, can respond to this in three ways:
- Adjustment: apologize for the cry and admit that the child’s deed was wrong or even bad, but still shouldn’t scream.
- Rewind: thank the child for a reminder of the contract and the symbol and indicate that the reason for this phenomenon was the fact that my mother was very upset by the bad deed of the child.
- Repeat: apologize for the cry and invite the son or daughter to start the conversation again, but already calmly.
Thus, both the child will feel protected and the parent will receive a deterrent.
Tip 6: Psychology Literature
A lot of useful information, tips, recommendations and techniques on how not to yell at a child can be found in the specialized literature. Yes, yes, it is in those books that are so often rejected with the words: “Well, what they write there, everyone knows everything for so long!” Psychology is a science that, like any other, does not stand still. Scientists all over the world work every day to give the world answers to various questions, including raising children. Therefore, you should not neglect such literature and read a couple of at least the most famous authors.
Tip 7: no indifference
In no case, never, and under no circumstances should you tell the child the phrase: "Cry and scream as much as you want." Mom for a child is the whole world, the whole Universe, and such a phrase means indifference and indifference to his suffering. After all, the child cries sincerely and surrenders to emotions without a trace, completely - that’s how the child’s psyche works. By analogy for an adult, it looks something like this: the whole world has turned away, nobody needs you, and even if you do not, everyone will not care. This thoughtlessly abandoned phrase causes enormous damage to psychological health and gives rise to doubt in a small consciousness. Does mom really love me? But will she not leave me, will she turn away, can she be trusted? Any normal mother is simply terrified by such questions.
Tip 8: a family psychologist
If the tips outlined above do not help, then do not give up and let things go by themselves. There is a way out of any life situation, and in this case, mother, most likely, needs to go to a specialist. No need to be shy or afraid to visit a family psychologist. Perhaps a couple of conversations will forever solve the problem and give relatives and beloved children a happy childhood without screaming and cursing.
A special case
Delicate situations are often encountered in this matter. Women say: “All these tips are good, but what if I raise other people's children?”
If we are talking about screaming at the playground for completely unfamiliar kids, then the solution is unequivocal: the point is impossible. No proceedings in the causes and effects. You cannot shout at other people's children, just as, for example, stand in the way of a running train. The second one is beyond doubt?
If we talk about the situation with adoption, or adoption, or maybe just living together with step-children, then it is best to consult a psychologist. Firstly, because in each case it is necessary to take into account the reason why the child does not live with his mother. Secondly, we need an individual approach of a specialist in order to understand and understand the level of trust and closeness between a step-mother and a child. And only on this basis, a professional will be able to choose a methodology and give recommendations on how to behave both mom and child.
To summarize
Understanding the reasons for his cry and trying to eradicate this bad habit, it is worth remembering a few unshakable truths:
- A child, his physical and psychological health, his smile and hugs are the most valuable thing in a woman’s life, and nothing can be more important or more important. Love for one's own child is constant, and everything else in the world is just variables.
- Nervous mother is a nervous child. Children very subtly feel and react to the state of the parent, so it is worthwhile to carefully monitor their psychological state and not allow their troubles and problems to affect the life of the most dear and beloved man.