Have you ever met people who constantly complain about their life, but do not change anything in it? Are you surprised by a similar philosophy of life? Do not be surprised. Such an approach to one’s life is called secondary profit in psychology. Once a person has stumbled and realizing that one can benefit from suffering, he will stumble again and again. Let's analyze this syndrome in more detail.
Definition
What is the secondary benefit? Such a syndrome is a person’s habit of benefiting from their misfortune. A person in a difficult situation, for example, ill, can revel in his grief. A person will feel bad, but at the same time he will be surrounded by care and love. A person does not have to do anything. You can lie on the couch all day and watch your favorite TV shows. From the outside it will seem that a person is suffering. After all, high temperature, constant droppers and injections will seem to be hard labor. But the person agrees to endure such tortures of his body, if only to get the benefit that is given when you feel unwell. And this benefit is not only eternally sick people. Individuals who suffer from loneliness, live with a small salary, or with a tyrant husband, also suffer their deplorable situation for a reason. They are pleased with the situation in which they find themselves. Such persons cannot be called masochists. After all, they derive significant benefits for themselves and the relative inconvenience they consider to be a small payment for all the other charms that life gives.
Occurrence of benefits
How do secondary benefits arise? The idea that one can benefit from one’s grief comes to mind only to deeply miserable or notorious people. A normal person will not dare to correct his condition in this way. Why does the unfortunate take a desperate step? He believes that he already has nothing to lose, that the end will justify the means. For example, a single mother, who is used to living alone with her child, may seem completely unhappy from the look of it. Any sane person will advise a woman to find a worthy father to her child. But a woman will refuse such offers and for a look even go on dates from time to time. But soon the lady will understand that the state funding program for single mothers is not so bad. A woman does not have to work hard; her state monthly makes deductions, which are at least enough for her life. A man does not need a woman. The lady is not sure that her new chosen one will be better than the old. But after getting married a second time, a woman will lose all her privileges. Therefore, the lady does not even try to establish her personal life, why, if the woman is happy with everything.
Benefits of Fear
Cowardly people are not shy about recognizing a similar character trait. What secondary benefit can there be from fear? A person who is panicky afraid of everything in the world can similarly cover up his laziness. For example, friends will offer a person at sea. But in order to go on vacation, you need to save money, choose a hotel, book a hotel and think over an entertainment program. Or you can do nothing, hiding behind the fear of flying. A person can say that he is panicky afraid of flying, and this will sound like a pretty decent excuse. No one can reproach him with fear, because few can make out the true reason for the refusal of the external mask.
The secondary benefit of fear can work not only with flights, but also with any other activities. For example, a person may be afraid of water. It is not so embarrassing to tell others that you are afraid of water, as to admit that you cannot swim. For some reason, it is customary in our society to treat unconscious fears positively, but negatively, the absence of any skill.
The benefits of self-doubt
The secondary benefit in psychology always has some background and is rooted in some kind of human complex. Most often, the problems of all people are formed in childhood. This is where the answer should be sought. A person who suffers from low self-esteem and who does not want to change the situation can be quite happy. To some, the happiness of a person who cannot manifest his character may seem doubtful. But if you think so, then you can understand that he just does not want to take responsibility. Indeed, weak-minded individuals never make independent decisions and always ask for advice from friends or acquaintances. And then people act in accordance with the instructions received. Well, if the outcome of such an action is positive, but if he receives an unsatisfactory result of his activity, then a person will be able to blame the responsibility on someone else. After all, he did not take the decision on his own, which means that the result of his activities will not completely rest on the shoulders of the offender.
Benefits of the victim’s position
Masochists take pleasure in pain, but victims of secondary gain are smart and prudent. They do not make rash acts. They are led by a cold crew. A woman who marries a tyrant knows about her husband’s potential. The girl more than once noticed even before the wedding the habits of the chosen one, and she perfectly understands what such personality traits will lead to relationships. Nevertheless, she agrees to go down the aisle with a despot. Such a circumstance cannot be called a rash step. A person always knows what this or that action will lead him to. And when, over time, the woman’s husband begins to show her autocratic character, the girl starts running around with friends and complaining about her lover. What is the benefit of the lady? She receives warmth and care that she could not find in marriage. And she is quite satisfied with the attention with which close and sympathetic people surround her. A woman does not want to change her position, since she is pleased to be in front of everyone and act as a victim.
The benefits of being alone
Have you met men who consider their loneliness a curse? There are many such representatives of the strong half of humanity. What kind of people find the secondary benefits of being alone? A person who complains to others that he can’t find a normal girl, actually blows dust in his eyes. A man enjoys a lonely life. He does not have to care about anyone, and there is no need to share a roof over his head with someone. You can change girls every two weeks, as well as violent parties to brighten up lonely evenings. A man feels great and just does not understand why he needs to change things. Yes, the guy consciously knows that he needs to have a family and children, but subconsciously the man has not yet grown to his emotional maturity, when he is finally ready to take responsibility not only for his own life, but also for someone else's life.
The benefits of low pay
Are there people in your environment who work for a penny but don’t want to change anything in their lives? What are these people waiting for? They like to complain about their boss and colleagues. And people of this kind of character have sincerely believed that finding a job better is simply impossible. What is the secondary benefit of such a situation? People do not need to change anything in their usual way. A person is in his comfort zone and absolutely does not want to leave it. The person is respected in her circles, she has friends and acquaintances. A person knows how and for what he will spend his current salary and for what he will save money from the bonus. And when he has the opportunity to earn more, he begins to experience a completely natural fear. The panic begins, how to spend big money, what to save and where to invest. A person does not know how they will be accepted into the new team and how members of a more elite society will communicate with him. Therefore, a person will continue to whine about a better life, but will not change the current state of things.
What follows from this?
Having examined several situations, we can draw conclusions from the situation that provides secondary benefits.
- You can get away from trouble. Man does not have to look for solutions to complex problems. You can always hide in your carapace and wait for someone else to make an important decision or to help you establish the current state of affairs. And sometimes you can just get rid of the problem by ignoring it.
- Secondary benefit gives a person the opportunity to feel loved and needed. If a person lacks the love of family and friends, then the person resorts to proven methods. For example, it starts to hurt. The conscience of loved ones wakes up, and they surround the family member with care and give the person increased attention.
- It is not necessary for a person to meet the high demands that others make on him. Those who are weak and fearful are treated with understanding and care. Therefore, they do not have to meet the standards of normal healthy people.
Solution
One of the methods of working with secondary benefits is this: you need to find a situation that annoys you and ask yourself why you still do not change things. Be mindful of cause and effect relationships. Ask yourself what benefit you get from a terrible relationship, illness, or low salary. You need to answer honestly and without embellishment. Only an honest answer will help you find the true problem and normalize things. Once you have found your problem, you need to fix it. Make every effort to get out of your comfort zone. It will be hard at first, but with due diligence you will surely cope. And in order not to fall into such a trap in the future, you should leave the comfort zone as often as possible, at least once a month.
Psychological work
Not sure how to get rid of secondary benefits? NLP will help you with this. But such sessions need not be at home, but with a specialist. Experienced psychotherapists can save you from psychological problems and find the roots of your fake reality.
Well, if there is neither time nor money to go to a specialist, how to get rid of the secondary benefit yourself? Once you have found a problem, you must deal with it in stages. You need to start by feeling your emotions. Think about whether you are benefiting from suffering. If so, change things and start receiving negative emotions from negative things. Do not engage in self-deception, it will not help. Learn to enjoy the common joys, well-being, support of a loved one and good material well-being.