Many people in their lives encounter the concept of co-dependence in relationships, and do not even realize it. A person who has lost his autonomy is weak and vulnerable in a couple; he is prone to frequent aggressive states. His heart understands that he is dependent on another person, but the brain repeats that it should be so. Many couples do not know how to get rid of co-dependence in a relationship. They disagree, find new partners, but life still does not change.
Sozavisimost and family
Co-dependence is a state of strong, one might even say, anomalous attachment to another person, and it exists not only in love unions. Mother and daughter, brother and sister, father and children can also be participants in such relationships. For example, the father encourages the youngest daughter in everything, her angelic eyes make him fulfill any of her whims. He is dependent on his daughter and cannot repulse her, and she, in turn, knowing this, continues to manipulate him.
This example considers a co-dependent behavior model of dad and child. The daughter is a manipulator, and most likely, in the future, when she grows up, she will look for a spouse similar to her father. The girl will easily manipulate them and assume that it should be so. Thus, in her life there will be co-dependence in relationships. Naturally, the girl does not know how to get rid of her, because she is unlikely to think about what is a manipulator.
For some reason, it may seem that being the main thing in the family is very healthy, however, as a rule, it is a heavy burden. Women tend to take the initiative on themselves, command their husband and, as a result, complain that he is a spineless and incapable man.
Is codependency a disease?
Indeed, many psychologists believe that this is a disease that cannot always be cured. There are several methods that teach how to get rid of co-dependence in a relationship with a dependent. In many ways, these techniques contradict each other, but all of them indicate that this "disease" originates in childhood itself.
The task of parents is to raise a child, to give him upbringing and knowledge, with which he will go on into adulthood. Children must feel that they are loved and understood. By the age of 6 they have formed a perception of the world, which in the future is already difficult to change. The lack of security during this period forms a huge baggage of complexes for children, which they carry with them all their lives.
Most often, children who are not loved grow up unsure of themselves. They are very reserved and fearful. As adults, they are influenced by other people and are very easy to use. Most do not even know that they are under the influence of manipulators, and, accordingly, do not know how to get rid of co-dependence in love and in relationships with others.
How to recognize the state of dependence on another person
First of all, you need to look at yourself and your relationships with people. Try to answer honestly a few questions:
- Do you blame yourself for other people's failures?
- You have no purpose in life, and you just waste your time on work and household chores?
- Does your soulmate control you (where are you going; what time will you return; who is calling you)? Are you inclined to control?
- Are you ready to selflessly help a person, even if you do not want to?
- Are you a shy person? Is it not always convenient for you to ask a passerby for directions?
- Are you worried about what other people think about you?
If you answered yes to at least half of these questions, you are a co-dependent person. You can be manipulated, and if such a person is not yet nearby, then he will certainly appear, because the manipulators "see their victims" very well. It is interesting that at least two people are always involved in co-dependent relations. That is, in such a pair, both partners are in this state in equal parts. People live in marriage and do not even think about the fact that they have co-dependence in relationships. How to get rid of such a state and find peace, they do not know either. But those same people who understand that they are dependent on another person, believe that this can not be changed.
Fear of talking about your desires
Co-dependent people are very self-contained. At first glance, of course, a person can be very sociable, he can spend hours telling funny stories, but he is unlikely to tell something about himself. Such people are afraid to speak openly about their desires. They are very fond of the game “Guess It Yourself”. For example, at the dinner table to the question: “What will you be: tea or juice?” - the answer may follow: "Anything, I do not care." This remark implies that the questioner must nevertheless think and guess about the desires of the one he asked. That is how co-dependence in relationships is manifested. How to get rid of this “disease”, the couple does not know, and therefore lives with it all their lives.
Obsessions, or Silent Games
In co-dependent couples it is often possible to meet such a situation that partners make a decision for a soul mate and immediately repulse them. Assume the situation below.
The husband forgot to congratulate his beloved on the day of March 8th. The wife immediately, without asking him, decides that he did it on purpose. Of course, she might ask a question, but in her mind the answer is already ready: "The husband did this on purpose to teach me a lesson, he would have to take revenge." Then the wife begins to invent a plan of revenge: “And I’ll go shopping with my friends and spend all the money from his card.” The husband perplexedly believes that his wife is too wasteful, and decides not to bring all the money home.
This is how a snowball of unsaid words and misinterpreted acts will grow into new episodes until the couple falls on their heads. At best, this will result in a grand scandal, and at worst, it will lead to a divorce.
Learn to speak
After people understand that they are in such a relationship, the question arises: “How to get rid of co-dependence in relationships?” The advice of the psychologist Berry Winehold can be very helpful in solving this problem. He and his wife Jeney walked the path of liberation together. When they met, each of them was already married, and certain stereotypes about family life took hold of them. The book “Liberation from co-dependence”, written by such wonderful authors as Berry Winehold and Jeney Winehold, describes the problems of co-dependence and ways to solve them.
The first (and most important) step on the road to getting rid of this problem is the ability to talk about your feelings to your soulmate. It is equally important to learn to listen to your loved one.
Here is one striking example of how the authors of this book get rid of codependency in love. Shortly before Berry met Janey, he buried his wife Barbara. He was very depressed and needed support. The new wife was not offended by him and strongly supported Berry. For a long time, Janey listened to her husband’s stories about his ex-wife and gave him advice on how to deal with this misfortune. He was open with her, and for this she did not take offense at him.
Urgent conflict resolution
There is another important nuance that helps get rid of co-dependence in a relationship. Conflict situations arise in any family, and this is inevitable. Since all people are different, everyone has their own opinion, and often it may not coincide with the opinion of the partner. When a conflict arises, it is very important not to hold a grudge against your lover. If his words hurt you, tell him about it in an instant. Do not wait for the right moment and do not keep resentment in your heart.
Request for help
It is very important to understand what childhood events are traumatic for you, and what exactly made you dependent on family circumstances. Try to solve childhood problems with your soulmate. Here is another example of how the authors of the book Berry Winehold and Jeney Winehold get rid of co-dependence in relations. As a child, Janey did not receive parental warmth and bodily contact. Berry helped her cope with this problem: he carried her in his arms and stroked for a long time, he returned her to her childhood for a while and replaced her parents. You should ask your loved one to give you what you received from your parents. This will allow you to free yourself from many complexes associated with childhood.
Partner change
There is an opinion that in order to get rid of co-dependence, one should divorce a person. However, this method is not always good. This option is possible only when the partner categorically does not want to change anything in his life. How can change happen if he denies co-dependence in a relationship? How to get rid of what a person does not see and does not take seriously?
But if your soulmate is ready for change, ready to change the usual course of life and get rid of co-dependence, then you need to go this way together. Both partners need changes so that each of them can feel their self-sufficiency and become a separate person.
The most interesting thing, probably in co-dependent relationships, is that their absence causes a storm of negative emotions in a person. Just as an addict needs to drink, so co-dependent partners first need quarrels and scandals. In psychology, the term defining liberation from such a relationship is called interdependence. In a pair, each of the lovers should feel their integrity and self-sufficiency. A person should know that he is sincerely loved for what he really is. It is very important to know that only two truly free people can be happy and interdependent together.