Alas, today you can often hear a story about how a woman's relationship with her husband deteriorated after the birth of a child. This is not to say that this did not happen in the past, but the current scope of this problem is really scary. After all, most couples can not stand the family crisis, which subsequently leads to constant quarrels and scandals.
Naturally, living in such conditions is difficult, and besides, such an atmosphere negatively affects the psyche of the child. Therefore, let's talk about why people change after the baby. What factors affect the atmosphere in the house? And what should I do if after giving birth my relationship with my husband deteriorates?
Having a baby is always stress
If you think that nine months of pregnancy is a serious test, then you are clearly mistaken. In psychology, there is such a thing as a “one year crisis”. Its essence lies in the fact that the first year after the birth of a child is the most severe period. It falls on him the largest number of family quarrels, scandals and domestic misunderstanding.
To begin with, it should be noted that this is quite normal. After all, the appearance of a child is a great stress for parents, especially if he is their first-born. At the same time, both women and men experience a psychological shock. The only problem is that they look at the same things in different ways. This serves as the basis for the emergence of various kinds of disagreements, and subsequently major quarrels.
And the more time passes, the more distinctly the woman realizes the fact that her relationship with her husband has deteriorated. What to do in this case? First of all, you should stop panicking and try to resolve the issue with shouts and reproaches. After all, such behavior will only aggravate the current state of affairs. It will be more reasonable to understand what exactly caused the discomfort in the family, and only then begin to correct it.
Invisible wall
The fact that relations with a husband deteriorated after the birth of a child can be understood from the atmosphere that prevails in the house. Sometimes it seems that an invisible wall forms between the spouses. And the longer they stay idle, the thicker and rougher it becomes. Therefore, so that the problem does not develop into a crisis of one year, you should try to solve it immediately after returning from the hospital.
To do this, let's look at the main differences in female and male psychology. What life priorities are more important for each spouse? And why do they so often make unfounded claims to each other?
Features of the female worldview
The woman is the mother. These two words clearly illustrate the essence of the behavior of girls during pregnancy and at its completion. That is, in the first place a woman always puts others, regardless of her type of character and worldview. Naturally, there are exceptions, but in most cases this happens.
Therefore, it is not surprising that women, after giving birth, go headlong into the care of their child. It is logical for them that everything should revolve around their crumbs, since it is a long-awaited fruit of love. This is the maternal instinct, thanks to which our species was able to overcome all the hardships and deprivations of the evolutionary struggle.
The problem is that sometimes girls go too deep into this process. After all, it is one thing when a reasonable share of attention is given to the child, and quite another when the mother ceases to see the rest of the world behind him. Therefore, you need to be able to restrain your love in order to soberly assess the necessary amount of care.
Prankish hormones
The first months after birth are the hardest. The reason for this is the instability of the hormonal background and the postpartum malaise of the body. This leads to the fact that the mood, like a carousel, then rises, then again falls into the abyss. Such differences affect the psyche of a woman, making her less resistant to conflict.
Therefore, there is nothing surprising in the fact that in such days even a small quarrel can bring a girl to a nervous breakdown. Not to mention the fact that any trifle becomes an occasion for her. Of course, in a few months her mood will return to normal, only during this time the family crisis can reach that point, which will be followed by serious problems.
Egocentrism of men
To say that all men are selfish is wrong. But at the same time they are not inclined to such dedication as women, because of this they constantly reflect on who is in charge of the house. Therefore, in the best case, they perceive the child as an equal, and in the worst they put themselves in the first place. Therefore, they poorly perceive situations when they are deprived of their usual care and love.
Simply put, they begin to feel jealous of their child. Naturally, she is not as evil as in the case of a male competitor, but still she is. Such a perception of the world leads to the fact that the spouse begins to involuntarily seek confirmation that he is being deprived or somehow ignored. In this case, any little things are taken into account: how many times they said a good word to him, whether they fed him in the morning, smiled back, and so on.
Of course, such thoughts will soon grow into an offense, and then burst out. First, the husband will begin to make reproaches, then raise his voice, and all will end with a grand scandal. And then the young dad will no longer want to control his emotions, and such skirmishes will be repeated more and more often.
At this point, it should be stopped, explaining the real state of things. Firstly, they didn’t stop loving him, just now these feelings have moved to a new level, more complex and demanding. Secondly, such behavior will not lead to anything good, since a harmonious family life cannot be built on jealousy and scandals.
Man and sex
Girls and boys have different life priorities. So, for the first, feelings and mutual understanding are the key to a happy marriage. But for men, sex is added to this list. After all, without him they cannot imagine their family life. The trouble is that during pregnancy they are protected from most bodily pleasures, which will certainly lead to sexual hunger.
The only thing that comforted them was their dreams of normal sex after childbirth. Alas, in most cases their hopes are shattered. This can be explained by the fact that during breastfeeding women are not particularly tuned to sex. A similar mechanism is laid by nature, and nothing can be done about it.
However, men do not understand this. Consequently, they begin to blame their “hunger” for their wives, as if they deliberately deny them intimacy. Again, such thoughts sooner or later translate into reproaches, which clearly do not improve the atmosphere in the house. Therefore, you need to avoid long breaks in sex, even if the woman still does not feel the past fuse and passion.
First year difficulty
Another important factor affecting family relationships is fatigue. In the first year, the child is naughty from morning to night, thereby adding fuel to the fire. And worst of all, there is nothing to be done about it, because at this age children still cannot control their behavior.
It remains only to realize: the problem is not that the child wakes up at night and wakes everyone around, but that you have not yet adapted to this. You need to adjust yourself to the fact that these are only temporary inconveniences that are needed for the highest good. This is the only way to strengthen your spirit and survive these difficult times.
Inaction is not an option
Regardless of why the relationship with your husband went bad after giving birth, inaction will be the worst way to solve this problem. After all, the longer the invisible wall between you, the more difficult it is to destroy it. That is why psychologists recommend starting to build relationships as early as possible.
In this case, it does not matter who is in charge of the house. What is more important is who takes the first step towards each other. But again, men are less complaisant in this matter, so the role of the parliamentary woman often falls to the woman. The reason for this behavior lies in the fact that representatives of the strong half of humanity are used to seeing themselves as warriors made of flint. And it’s worthless for them to show sentimentality and sag over trifles.
Of course, such a situation does not quite suit women, since they have to give up their pride. But in this case we are talking about preserving the family, and therefore we will have to choose between the common good and our ambitions. In addition, in the future, men will also have to do a lot of work in order to achieve harmony in the family.
It all starts with a conversation
The first step is the most difficult, because at this moment the heart is overwhelmed with doubts about how the other person will perceive it. But you need to understand that expectation torments the soul in the same way, and maybe even more. Therefore, you should not postpone the conversation with your husband in the long box, but go straight to the heart of the problem.
When talking with a loved one, you must rely on the following rules:
- Firstly, the dialogue should be two-way. That is, it is necessary to achieve an atmosphere in which both sides talk about their problems, feelings and worries.
- Secondly, it is necessary to maintain warmth in words. Remember: this is a conversation between two people in love, and not negotiations between countries that have been at war with each other for centuries.
- Thirdly, do not hide anything. Even a small secret or reproach can lead to the fact that in the future this situation will be repeated again.
An important place is also a place for conversation. It would be best to create an atmosphere of romance, so that an aura of peace and love hovered around. In this case, alcohol is recommended to be excluded, since in this case it is more likely to harm the conversation than lead to positive results. But delicious food, on the contrary, contributes to the development of dialogue, because it is not in vain that all diplomatic missions are accompanied by lavish banquets and feasts.
First pitfall
The trouble is that not every young dad is ready to discuss his problems. Again, the warrior syndrome, which causes men to be an impregnable rock, is to blame. Such emotional stamina, on the one hand, attracts, and on the other, suggests the idea that your spouse is a real log.
In this case, it will be difficult to solve the problem by talking, as the husband can simply dismiss them. But you can’t give up, you need to constantly push the man to this issue, hinting at its importance. You can use any tricks, starting from a smile and ending with a tempting offer to discuss everything in bed.
It should be understood that conversation is the basis of everything. Only he will help to understand why relations with her husband have deteriorated. After the birth of a child, there are a lot of such factors, and therefore you cannot define them in other ways.
There are three of us now
Many parents try to adapt to the appearance of children, living by the old rules. The truth is that such a method constantly fails, as it is designed for only two. But now the family has become larger, which means it's time to make changes in the usual way of life. And above all, you should focus on the following principles:
- Everyone deserves attention. The child is naughty almost always, but this does not mean that you need to give him all his free time. Learn to devote several hours to being together in a love atmosphere. This will rally your family and prevent it from bursting like a balloon.
- No screams in the house. Naturally, all scandals cannot be avoided, but you can minimize them. Just agree that for some time you will refrain from high tone and mutual reproaches. Remember: this behavior not only strengthens the marriage, but also favorably affects the psyche of your child.
- The effect of the mirror. The essence of this principle is to regularly put yourself in the place of your partner. Think about how difficult his day was, what he lacks and how you would behave if you were in his place.
- Full-fledged parents. You should not raise a child alone, because a man is a father. The child wakes up at night - go take turns to lay him, busy in the kitchen - let him watch the bed, sore throat - let him sing the lullaby with his bass.
- Seek help from others. Often young couples run to exhaustion just because they lack the courage to ask for help from their relatives. Of course, there are grandparents who are scared to leave their children. But remember that you are also living people, and you need time for yourself.
Paternal instinct
It so happened that in women, maternal instinct turns on immediately after childbirth. However, men are different. In order to reach out to their subconscious, they need time and a special approach, otherwise they may develop subconscious jealousy for their child.
So, how to awaken a man's primordial instincts? In fact, everything is quite simple: you need to leave him alone with your son or daughter as often as possible. But for some reason, most mothers are afraid to take this step. They are confident that this will lead to irreparable consequences, as if it was not their man, but some kind of beast.
But the truth is that fathers cope with their duties no worse than mothers. The only thing they need more time for training, since everything has to learn from scratch. It is important here to fully support the spouse and, if necessary, give small tips. And soon dad will not only forget about jealousy, but also become a real helper for mom.
Stick and carrot method
Remember the courtship period? When a man presents a girl with many flowers and gifts, and for this she worships him and gives her affection. So, the first year after the birth of the child should be seen as a period of courtship in the sense that you need to return the former tenderness to the relationship. A woman is required to take care not only of the child, but also of her man. Naturally, in such a period this is a difficult task, but no one said it would be easy. Therefore, the wife should do everything possible to show her husband her love and the fact that she has not changed after replenishment in the family.
However, if a girl takes care, and the guy does not reciprocate, then it's time to move on to the whip. That is, to remove from family life all those joys that inspire a man. In this case, it is necessary to indicate the reason for this behavior, so that he knows why this happens. By the way, men do not understand hints well, therefore it is better to speak directly, explaining what exactly does not suit the girl. Thus, it will be possible to save time and avoid possible misunderstandings and joint insults.
If the relationship is deadlocked
Alas, it is not always possible to solve the problem of broken relations with the help of conversations and female tricks. Sometimes it happens that a married couple has come to that point, from which it is already difficult to go back. And then the only right decision is going to the psychologist. The only trouble is that in our country such methods are considered ineffective.
But believe me, it is this decision that will help save your family. After all, a good specialist is able not only to listen, but also to give the necessary advice. Performing them, the couple herself will not notice how life begins to acquire bright colors again. Therefore, it is necessary to put aside all stereotypes and begin to solve problems in the way they deserve it. After all, not only the fate of the family depends on this, but also what the future will be for the child.