“I do not love my child ...” For many girls, this phrase may seem absolutely strange and stupid, but in fact it happens that the parent does not feel anything in relation to the baby. Moreover, family psychologists say that for life at least once, but every woman had the idea that she does not love her child. Another thing is that every normal mother tries to instantly drive her away from herself, and this is absolutely the right approach.
And if society has long been accustomed to unreliable mothers who leave their children in the care of the state, then the coldness of a woman raising a child is extremely unfriendly. And in order to solve the problem, first of all, it is necessary to find the reason, and there can be a lot of them.
Waiting baby
It is customary to believe that pregnancy is a happy period of waiting for the baby to be born. But often this is not so at all, the body suffers strong changes, and with it problems and discomfort. A new daily routine, let alone taste preferences and behavior! Therefore, sometimes a woman does not like the one who grows in her, because because of him one has to go through all the transformations.
And pregnancy is unplanned, which completely changes plans for life, because of which it is difficult for expectant mother to get used to the upcoming changes. Sometimes a girl even rushes with phrases like: “I do not like the child I am pregnant with!” If this is the case, then it’s too early to panic. Often with the birth of the baby, or very soon, the maternal instinct is manifested.
Newborns
But it happens differently. In the first days, weeks, and sometimes months, the mother does not feel absolutely any feelings for the child. And this is normal. Most often, this phenomenon is called postpartum depression, the causes of which are difficult to investigate, since most often women are afraid of disapproval in society and try to spread less about their problem. In general, there is nothing terrible about this: it lasts for a short time, and with postpartum depression apathy, spleen, and nervousness pass. And they are being replaced by a huge maternal love for their child. And it will even be scary to imagine that not so long ago phrases were spinning in my head: "I do not like a child."
It also happens that the reason may be a simple disappointment. The girl hopes to see a cute little peanut, but most often the baby is born not too cute, thereby not meeting expectations. After all, as for a girl, childbirth for him also becomes a big stress. But soon everything will change, and he will become the sweetest creature for his mother. Yes, and all the fault of postpartum depression, with its disappearance will pass and all negative emotions, and all kinds of doubts.
Sometimes the cause can be a difficult pregnancy or a difficult birth. On a subconscious level, the mother blames her child for what she had to go through. But soon it will pass. And the moment this love appeared - in the first seconds or months later, does not matter, as a result, each mother will love her baby equally.
Too active child
It happens that the child is too active and does not give the mother a minute of rest, because such a baby needs to be constantly watched. And besides everything else, there are household chores, work and other things. The girl has absolutely no time for rest, which is necessary for any person. So, excessive workload is manifested by a negative attitude towards the child, and sometimes a woman even catches herself with the thought that her own child annoys her. Any, even the most insignificant misconduct can infuriate.
This problem is solved depending on the degree of mother’s fatigue. It may be enough to take the child to relatives for the weekend, while the woman can be alone, spend time on herself, diversify her leisure time, or simply sleep. And then with renewed vigor she can return to her baby, and most often by the end of the weekend she herself begins to miss her baby.
If the problem has gone too far and the woman is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then the best option would be to seek help from a specialist. But in this case, the mother cannot say: "I do not love the child." It simply affects the accumulated fatigue and excessive irritability.
Too well-bred baby
“I don’t like my child because he’s too well-mannered,” no matter how strange it sounds, but sometimes this is what parents feel beyond the years of their educated baby. If a child is very intelligent, educated and ahead of their peers in terms of knowledge, sometimes adults instead of pride feel only their own imperfection next to him. They do not know how to behave, and the only thing they do is constantly angry with the baby, nevertheless realizing that they are actually wrong, and the child is not to blame for anything. And it turns out a kind of vicious circle.
But the main nuisance of this problem is that parents rarely admit that they have it. It is difficult for them to confess to themselves, and there can be no talk of a professional. And so the child grows up in a family where for parents it is a constant reminder of their failure. The most correct solution would be the help of specialists or the study of literature in which this issue is raised.
Teenage years
When a child reaches adolescence in many families, difficulties begin, because sometimes even the most obedient child begins to behave completely recklessly. And where, more recently, mutual understanding and love reigned, discord begins. Children are rude to their parents, and, in turn, it is incredibly insulting to receive insolence and rudeness in response to affection and care. Because of this, they begin to get angry with the child and gradually move away from him. Sometimes even in their hearts they throw the phrase: "I do not like a child." The teenager also feels that his attitude towards him has changed, he begins to protest in ways known to him - anger and rudeness. It will be most true to turn to a family psychologist so that the specialist helps to establish relationships in the family and relieve parents and the child from stress. After all, the most dangerous thing in this situation is that adolescence will pass, but mutual reproaches and insults will remain for life.
Wife's child from first marriage
Often, when the marriage breaks up, the child remains to live with his mother. And when a new man appears in the girl’s life, he must live with the child, educate him, or at least just communicate.
Often, the chosen one, coming into the house, considers himself an authority and begins to lead the baby, teach him, and sometimes demand. It is extremely erroneous to assume that the child immediately obeys unconditionally. Each child understands that all adults are different, and in any case, first you need to earn his respect or love, especially if the child continues to communicate with his father. In this case, he may not understand the functions of a new person. And that is why, if he feels pressure on himself, he begins to show his character on the negative side. Which, in turn, is met negatively by the stepfather and is accompanied by a response. The chosen one declares: "I do not like the child of his wife from his first marriage."
What to do? How to solve this problem? And you just need to win his favor with deeds and your kind attitude. After all, children are very good at guessing the emotions they feel for them. And at a subconscious level, they understand the attitude towards themselves: whether they love them, or are they treated only as a difficulty that prevents a new person from building a relationship with his mother. And we should not forget that it is the stepfather who invades the usual way of life of the child, therefore he should try to establish contact.
One of the most important nuances in solving the problem is the time it takes for a child to actually begin to respect and love the head of a renewed family.
Sometimes, despite all attempts to improve relations, nothing happens, the child does not love his stepfather, and he does not love him in return. And the relationship still can not get better. Very often, the reason lies in the fact that the child is jealous of the mother for the new chosen one. After all, before the arrival of the new “pope” all attention was addressed only to him, and now it has been divided. It has become smaller, and the baby is afraid that everything will only get worse. Therefore, he begins to pour out all his negativity to a new person, which, in turn, can cause a response. And it is absolutely natural, it is not at all surprising that, deep down in the soul, a man decides: “I do not like the wife’s child from his first marriage.” Indeed, even if the knowledge arsenal includes books and lectures on pedagogy that have been taught, it can be difficult to put into practice this knowledge: when emotions and rage overwhelm, it becomes extremely difficult to think rationally.
Therefore, it is necessary to solve the cause of the problem, the mother must explain to her child that she will not love him less because of her new husband. He is as expensive and important to her as before. But I would like to note: if a child will try to profit from the current situation, you can not follow his lead. And only when mutual understanding between the mother and the child is fully established, the stepfather can safely begin to build relationships.
Husband's baby from first marriage
Here, the situation is slightly different than what was said above. Most often, the child stays with his mother, and he comes to his father just to visit. Therefore, it will be enough to establish friendly and trusting relationships, but it can be difficult to fulfill this. “I do not like a child husband from his first marriage,” - these words can often be heard from a new darling.
Usually, a girl is initially mistaken. Before the wedding, being in dreams, she thinks that if she loves her chosen one, she will be able to imbue warm feelings for his child. But making contact is harder than it seems at first. A child can be jealous of dad. This is not at all surprising, because a new person has appeared in his life. And then the woman, seeing this attitude towards herself, also begins to dislike the child. In this case, you just need to get used to and accept each other. Over time, most likely, mutual hostility will remain far behind. It is worth noting that a girl should not be lavished on a child with various gifts, since in this case he will not become more in love, but will simply treat her with consumerism.
It also happens that for a woman money becomes a stumbling block. She is sorry for the funds that her husband invests in ex-children. And sometimes a man, feeling guilty, gives his ex-wife much more money than the current one. Scandals begin to occur in the family on this basis, and then a woman can say: “I don’t like a child older than her first marriage,” because she believes that he is indirectly responsible for all the troubles.
In this case, it would be most correct to calmly talk with your spouse. And try to plan the budget more adequately, so that it suits both.
Sometimes it happens that a baby from a previous marriage becomes an obstacle to the birth of a joint. A woman wants a child, and a man complains that he already has children. It turns out that the child does not let the woman's dreams come true. And then common sense fades into the background, and there remains only hostility, and sometimes even hatred. Then you can often hear from a girl: “I do not like her husband’s child!”
Here, in the first place, it is important to constantly repeat that the child is not to blame for anything, and you cannot blame him for your personal mistakes. Before you connect your life with a person, especially if the second half already has a baby from their first marriage, it is necessary to discuss this nuance. Does he want children or not? This situation, by the way, can affect the stronger sex. It is generally accepted that a woman, converging with a new man, gives him a joint child, but this statement is not always true. Sometimes a girl who already has a child does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again.
In any case, the main thing is to come to a compromise, the couple’s desires regarding such a serious issue should coincide. Indeed, good relations are built on this, it is impossible for someone to set ultimatums and go against the aspirations of another. And if a compromise is found, it is unlikely that the girl will have the thought in her head: “I do not love her husband’s child”.
Jealousy
Sometimes the baby is very nice to a new acquaintance or acquaintance, he does not interfere with anything, does not embarrass, does not affect life, but is still insanely annoying. Basically in these cases we are talking about jealousy. Usually a couple, when just starting to meet, spends a lot of time together. However, with the beginning of living together, everything comes back to normal, the schedule becomes the same, part of the time is devoted to work, friends, hobbies and a child from a previous marriage.
Sometimes it seems to the spouse or spouse that they love the child more than them. Because of this, jealousy manifests itself, and at the same time, hostility to the baby. As often happens, and this problem can be solved through conversation. It is enough to talk with your soulmate and discuss how the partner plans to spend his leisure time, how much time to spend on it, whether to take the child with him on vacation. I would like to note that all issues should be resolved during the conversation, and one cannot hope that over time it will be possible to remove the child from the life of a loved one. And most importantly - less dramatize, drive negative thoughts away.
There is one more nuance: sometimes jealousy is more directed not at the child, but at the ex-wife or husband. But since the child becomes an occasion for communication between former spouses and something in common, unconsciously, a person begins to blame the child. They can see, meet or talk on the phone. And this thought alone can lead to despair, so the storm of negative emotions does not subside inside and finds a way out in this way.
Only time and rational thinking can help here. First of all, it is important to realize that someone and the child are probably not to blame for what is happening, you should not blame him for not being able to solve the situation and sort out his feelings. First you need to determine whether these fears are groundless, or whether there really is reason to be jealous of your soul mate. And if fear is a figment of imagination, then you should take care of yourself and sort out individual problems. After all, a beautiful and confident person will not be afraid that she will be preferred by someone else.
Different personalities
Sometimes it happens that people simply do not converge in communication. Or a person admits: "I do not like young children." And if, due to circumstances or differences in character, a new person cannot get along with a child, then perhaps you should not force yourself, but try to reduce communication to the maximum, having come only to respectful relationships. Further time will tell, perhaps in the future the situation will change for the better.
The main thing is to realize that the child is forever, so you need to either reconcile with the presence of another person in the life of the chosen one, or break off relations with this person.
Baby from ex-husband
Sometimes from some women you can hear: "I do not like a child from an ex." Perhaps the baby is unplanned, but feelings for a person have long passed, or there were none at all. Perhaps a painful breakup occurred. And even worse, the former humiliated morally and physically. And then it is even more likely to hear: "I do not like a child from an ex-husband."
A woman gets divorced and remains in a difficult emotional and financial situation. Therefore, all pain, resentment and anger can affect the baby. Sometimes their outward resemblance infuriates, just the nerves can’t stand it, and the mother breaks down on the child, does not love him. Or he loves, but from time to time he annoys her very much.
How to solve this difficult problem? It is important to learn how to control your anger, in no case to break down on a baby, because regardless of feelings towards the child, you need to remember that the main task is to educate a good person. And if he grows up in an uncomfortable atmosphere and dislikes himself, this is fraught with many problems in his future adult life. Well, to realize that dislike for a child is connected only with the former, and only by letting go of all offenses against the baby’s father, you can stop getting angry with the baby. Then you don’t even have to remember phrases like: "I do not like a child from his first marriage."
Foreign children
If there is an antipathy to other people's children or the child of a friend, then for some this can be a problem, especially if you do not want to lose a close friend.And if a girl clearly understands: “I do not like her friend’s child,” then in this situation everything should be thoroughly analyzed and understood, which is why precisely such emotions arose. For example, a friend comes to visit with the baby, and the mess that remains after the child is nervous. The most correct decision will be to meet somewhere in a neutral place, for example, in a cafe. Or even reduce communication with a friend, avoid personal meetings and limit yourself to phone calls. You can just talk with a friend and directly discuss everything that does not suit you.
“How to love a child”, Janusz Korczak
This is a great book, which may be the first step towards solving problems and fixing. It is a true parenting aid for children. It will help to cope with the difficulties faced by parents of children of different ages, from newborns to adolescents. And all this is written in an excellent literary language using interesting metaphors and comparisons by the master of the word and his work, teacher Y. Korchak.