Human feelings are the most mysterious phenomenon in the world. Their nature is still unknown, the reasons for their appearance and fading are also unclear. We can be guided only by external factors, which to some extent cause certain sensations in a person. In this article we will try to answer an extremely difficult question: how to love a child? Moreover, we immediately note that this will concern not only love for your own baby, but also such moments as the development of feelings for the adopted child and the consolidated one.
Small introduction
First of all, it is worth paying attention to such a moment as instinct, which encourages us to love a particular creature. Without this property of human nature, the further development of stronger and spiritual qualities is impossible. So what exactly is maternal instinct in women? It is this term that will serve for us as an answer to all further questions that will be posed in the article.
The maternal instinct is not something connected directly with a child born and born in agony, with the fact that he looks like you, etc. This feeling, which is characterized in a completely different way, and here's how. This term refers to the norms of behavior of an individual under which it is trying with all its might to protect a weaker individual. It doesn’t matter if there are family ties between the two individuals or if they are completely absent. The only important thing is that the defender is bigger, older, wiser and stronger, and the defendant, respectively, loses in all these respects.
We and animals
First of all, for the sake of clarity of further conclusions, let us consider mammals and their types of behavior. They are closest to people in terms of their biological and mental structure (unlike reptiles or insects, for example), they are simply not endowed with such high intellect, speechlessness, are not able to discover something new, etc.
However, the set of instincts in humans and animals is approximately the same. Among their many, there is the mother, which, in fact, is one of the key in the continuation of the genus. Its essence has been described above, so we move on to consider its existence in the framework of a particular biological species.
For animals, there is no such thing as a lack of maternal instinct. They a priori take care of their own offspring, putting precisely the interests of the cubs above their own. Moreover, in animals this quality is so developed that they are able to nurse even foreign cubs that are orphaned or lost.
In a basic understanding for a person, everything should work in exactly the same way. But the catch is that we are also endowed with such a concept as a worldview, which is formed mainly on the basis of the environment.
The current world is fundamentally different from the one in which our cave ancestors lived. Now there are a lot of stresses, prejudices, expectations, standards, etc., which radically changes not only the attitude, but also the basic set of instincts, and the manner of their manifestation. In other words, some social attitudes can damage the nature of motherly love, and a woman will seriously begin to wonder how to love a child, since she sincerely will not be able to do it.
Why does the problem exist?
If the maternal instinct is a natural thing inherent in each individual (and regardless of gender), then why do many women still ask everyone around them and themselves about how to love a child? The lack of warm feelings for a weaker being, which is also the successor of your own kind, can be caused by many reasons. And here are some of them:
- A woman prefers the role of a careerist, wife or lover, not seeing herself as a mother.
- In the soul, the representative of the weaker sex itself remains a child, so the birth of a baby always lays on "when I grow up."
- There are serious mental disorders that block the manifestation of certain instincts.
- The woman herself was not loved in childhood, she was not shown how it is to show love and care for offspring.
- The presence of various kinds of phobias, which, in fact, is also equivalent to mental disorders. Fears are so strong that they simply prevent a woman from fully engaging in maternal responsibilities.
- Pregnancy from an unloved man.
- Reluctance to have a child.
Regarding the last paragraph, the reluctance to have a child may be due to one of the reasons listed above, or to have other reasons. But it is important to note that absolutely all of these provisions relate exclusively to the modern world and its structure. And for the woman who lived several thousand years ago, all of them were foreign, she did not see any obstacles to the birth of the child, and further love for him.
Unwanted gift of fate
It is then, when, in the presence of one or more of the above reasons, the woman nevertheless becomes pregnant and saves the baby, the real problems begin. On the one hand, the rules established in society dictate to her that she love her child and be a good mother. But on the other hand, the same norms were previously laid down in her by the attitude of a careerist, a “Stepford” wife (but not a mother), coldness towards children, or something else. It turns out a vicious circle, and the victim is a young mother, and later her baby.
In such a situation, it is difficult to understand how to love your own child, if the woman simply did not want him, had other plans for life. Nevertheless, he was already born, he will not go anywhere, and something needs to be done so that this little man, who is completely innocent and has just come to this world, grows up healthy, smart, well-mannered and, most importantly, loved. Therefore, we start with a description of how dislike is manifested, and then consider the first stages of life that a mother spends with her baby.
Manifestation of dislike
There are no complex tests or psychological terms that describe this situation. Both mother herself and everyone around her always see when she loves her child, and when she does not. What dislike can manifest itself in? As a rule, such factors signal this:
- A young mother is constantly in decline. Otherwise, it is called postpartum depression, and we will talk about this in detail below. In general, the situation can be described as a complete withering of the personality, unwillingness to do anything, and in particular - to take care of the baby.
- Mom puts her interests above the infant. For example, he spends money not on him, but on shopping, spends time not with the baby, but at work or with friends.
- She is annoyed by children's crying, if the child is older, then vagaries, requests, behavior. She constantly loses her temper, even if the baby just turns to her.
It is important to note that the loss of maternal feelings can happen to a woman at any stage of the relationship with the baby. That is, she can love him when he is still a baby, but then, when the child grows up and gains character, misunderstanding will begin, which will cause rejection. This topic will also be described in more detail below.
Postpartum depression
It's hard to believe, but in the world every tenth woman suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who independently heroically struggle with oppressive feelings, and through strength begin to love their baby. Others walk gloomy, doing household chores and taking care of the baby, like a robot. Only a few ask for help from loved ones, and a few to specialists. But it is the latter option that is the wisest.
Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their baby after childbirth, because feelings do not always come when you wait for them? Depression of this kind can be caused by many factors, and those that were described above in the section “Why does the problem exist?” Are only part of them.
We note immediately that many couples do not think ahead, imagining their future with a baby with a kind of pink dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned with him the birth of a crumb, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went somehow wrong, the following points may be the reason for this:
- A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her "I" until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
- Relations with her husband are fundamentally changing. The child is now sleeping in their bed, he serves as a kind of obstacle to the development of personal life.
- A young mother sits at home, and her husband disappears at work. This causes considerable concern.
How to cope?
It is at this stage that the expert’s competent answer about how to love your child can become the key to the further happy development of events, and throughout the rest of your life. Therefore, it is extremely important to contact a psychologist with this issue, and not to endure and suffer. Do not be afraid to tell him about your thoughts and feelings, even if they seem sinister to you. After all, you decided to fight them, so go to the end.
The second thing that can help is books on family psychology. Among them can be called the creation of Elena Kovalchuk "Down with postpartum depression. A guide for expectant mothers", as well as "Special Relationships" by Douglas Kennedy, "Pick Up Love" by Jody Pickolt or "Story of Mother" by Amanda Prose. It is possible that you can read and discuss these books on family psychology with your specialist, making treatment even more effective.
It is also extremely important that the right attitude towards such a vulnerable mother from all her household members, and most importantly, her husband, be built up. Her condition cannot be ignored, her errors cannot be blamed. Phrases such as “get together, rag”, “you are a woman and a mother, must be in time”, “children are our everything”, etc. will have the opposite effect.
A woman who is in a state of postpartum depression wants to hear words that will support her personally and will remind her that they love her too, and not just the baby, that they care about her. If you continue to press and blame her, she will become even more angry, and everything can turn out very deplorably. Households should unload it a bit, give time to relax, sit a little with the child, or help in household chores. Gradually, the tension will subside, and the young mother will be able to take a sensible look at the situation, and will love her baby again.
Growing up baby
It happens that the mother endlessly loves her baby in infancy. And many mistakenly believe that this period is the most stressful, since the baby in the literal sense of the word is not let out of their hands. It is believed that later he will learn to walk, talk, become more independent and everything will become easier. But the situation, on the contrary, is becoming more complicated.
The kid not only grows up, but also becomes more inquisitive. He begins to demand more attention to himself, moreover, declaring this in words. Moreover, a character wakes up in him, which in her mother is simply bewildering. Prior to that, he was a “little bitch”, whom everyone just admired, and now he’s naughty, shows discontent, goes over, etc. This raises the question of how to fall in love with your child if he’s just annoying and annoying for every reason?
First of all, we note that a similar situation can arise not only in the kindergarten age of the baby, but also in adolescence. She is identical in both of these cases, and mom behaves the same in them. It just all depends on the type of psyche of the child. Either the character will begin to manifest from an early age and he will “set the heat”, barely learning how to walk, or he will be submissive for a long time, and when he reaches puberty, he will begin to “unfold”.
Solve the problem
No matter how trite and annoying it may sound, you should calm down and stop. Suspend the stream of criticism and discontent that you emit against the child, even if he does not speak directly. Stop blaming the baby for his actions, moods, words. To understand how to love a child, it is worth looking at the world through his eyes.
If you have a baby who just went to kindergarten, do not expect her to strive for order, responsibility, understanding your problems. This child learns the world, he is interested in everything, he still does not know what evil, negativity, stress, etc. are. And he should not learn this from you. Therefore, if personally in your professional or personal life there are problems, then correct them, and then the behavior of the baby will not seem so annoying to you.
If the teenager is “thrilled”, then this is to some extent normal. You just have to wait a period, plus remember that many of its negative qualities are nothing more than a reflection of your upbringing. Again, sort yourself out, pay attention to the positive aspects in your child, praise him more, and you will notice that the situation will soon change, you will again understand how to love the child as he is.
Negative consequences
At the end of this topic, it is worth saying that your shortcomings during the growing up of the baby can negatively affect not only his future, but also the future of your grandchildren. The most important quality that an unloving child will inherit in adulthood, in relationships, in interaction with his own offspring is the inability to love.
He will ask the same questions as you, to suffer, to suffer. Everything from the fact that you simply did not show him what it is - love and harmony in the family, care, affection, emotional comfort. A vicious circle will begin, which will be very difficult to break. Therefore, it is best to make a break right now in order to protect your own kind from making the same mistake.
Alien child
Adoption is a step much more serious and responsible than the birth of your own baby. These are completely different feelings, situations and ways to resolve psychological problems. There is no single guide on how to love an adopted child, as all cases are fundamentally different. But there are some tips that will help establish contact between adoptive parents and the orphanage:
- Love the baby by touch. This requirement is the most important, since children who are left without the custody of their biological parents need more tactile contact than anyone else.
- Prove your love in action, not in words. For example, teach your child to play the guitar if he has been asking for this for a long time, and do not force him to read books forever "for his own good."
- Be proud of your child’s achievements. You will thus raise its significance in your own life.
- Remember that children are our everything. And it was with such thoughts that you went to take care of your baby. If the baby is in your family, then there are reasons for it, and all the hardships are only temporary.
Extremely difficult relationship
A much more complicated and problematic question is how to love a husband’s child from his first marriage. In this situation, most likely, you will not be the only one on whose part you should carry out attempts to "make friends". If the other side, that is, the baby, does not want to accept you, the business will not succeed.
Children are also people, each of them has his own character, and they can be very categorical. Especially if the situation is so serious, and the child had to remain without a mother for one reason or another. All you can do personally is to make love for the child a default feeling and pause it. When he "ripens" himself and realizes that you, too, are part of his life, your feelings will be able to activate. Up to this point, excessive and imposed care for the baby should not be manifested, he will perceive her with hostility.
If, personally, you are not able to have bright feelings for your husband’s child, and he doesn’t feel negative for you, ask yourself why you are with this man? After all, if you have chosen it, you must accept it with the “baggage” that it already has. Otherwise, what keeps you close may not be love, but something else.
If you still have feelings for a man, try to figure out what exactly annoys you in the kid. Everything is not always so critical, it happens, it is worth lending hands to each other, and the situation resolves by itself.
Summarize
Definitely it is impossible to answer the question of how to love a child. Inside, each mother understands that this is necessary, but sometimes there is simply no strength, knowledge, patience and desire to do everything right. Therefore, there is one single valid truth that will allow to establish everything in any family, in any situation, in any situation. What is its essence?
Children are our mirror. Even if they are adopted, even if it is the child of a husband who lives with you under one roof. If something annoys you in the baby, then most likely, this feature is inherent in you.
Children are incredibly sensual creatures, they always understand what is on the mind of adults, they always feel their thoughts and impulses. Therefore, if the child is negatively inclined towards you, he will look for weak points just on a subconscious level and put pressure on them, and he will succeed. Therefore, realize this, and do not give in to provocation. After that, the situation will immediately become easier, you look at it differently, and a new stage will begin in relations with the child.
It is also extremely important to remember that if dislike comes primarily from you, then you will feed the hatred of the child with it, and only negative qualities will begin to develop in it in one direction or another. This will destroy his identity, make either a villain or a loser, and as a result, break your family. Therefore, try your best to make the baby happy, beloved, surround him with care and affection, and soon he will answer you the same.
Conclusion
In the end, I would like to give a few quotes about children, which, perhaps, will help you restore bright feelings, and again love your descendants.
“You look at my children! My former freshness is alive in them. They justify my old age” - William Shakespeare.
“Children cannot be scared away by severity; they cannot stand only lies” - Leo Tolstoy.
“There is no festivity more solemn on earth than babble of children's lips” - Victor Hugo.
"A child teaches his parent three things: always find something to do, rejoice for no reason and insist on his own." - Paulo Coelho
“The best way to make a child good is to make him happy.” - Oscar Wilde
Perhaps quotes about children by themselves will not be valid, but in combination with therapy and literature, they will give a positive effect. Do not be afraid to tell your experts about your problems, share your thoughts with friends and with your husband. Try your best to find in yourself the source of love for the child, and tune in with it on the same wavelength. And only in combination will all these efforts give a good result.