Every person who lives in this world builds personal boundaries. The person herself decides what they will be. A person has the right to manage his personal time and space as he sees fit to do so. But why do some people find happiness in their lives, while others fail to do this? Let's figure it out.
Definition
What are human personality boundaries? This is the space that a person encloses around himself and for which does not allow strangers to enter. Moreover, this space does not need to be taken literally. Personal boundaries are both purely physical and psychological. Physical boundaries are not so difficult to determine. You allow anyone to approach you for a meter, but not everyone can come close to you. From a stranger who comes too close, you move away.
And how to determine psychological personality boundaries? This is harder to do. A person communicates with all people in different ways, and for each individual individual builds his own barriers. A person will be allowed to touch someone, and someone will not be allowed to do this. To someone, a person will reveal his secrets, and with someone he will only talk about the weather. Depending on how close a particular person is, you will react differently to her. And also personal sympathies and the reciprocity of your feelings will affect the attitude towards a person. A man is a rather complex creature, therefore, it is not always possible for him to correctly build his psychological boundaries and protect them from encroachments of other people.
Kinds
What are the personal boundaries of a person? Psychologists divide them into two main types:
- The weak. Such boundaries can be easily broken. Moreover, they are encroached on by both people familiar to a person and strangers. If the person cannot convey to the interlocutor how to handle it, then the opponent will act as he sees fit. Weak personality boundaries are inherent in weak people with low self-esteem and a suppressed sense of will. Such persons will not assert their rights, and will always keep aloof from something serious, considering themselves simply unworthy of some feats. Such persons are kind-hearted and love to help others. A person with weak personal boundaries will be engaged in charity work, and he will agree to give his last things in order to please another, more needy person.
- Strong boundaries. Persons who can stand up for themselves and prevent others from infringing on their interests will build invisible walls around themselves, breaking through which will be difficult not only for a stranger, but even for a well-known person. From the outside, such individuals may seem too cold and stubborn. Their self-confidence and leadership qualities are visible to the naked eye. If someone decides to encroach on the personal boundaries of a person, then this someone will be repulsed and will no longer want to encroach on the fact that the person so violently guards. It may seem to some that such people are lonely. But there is nothing like that in their life. Just people require respect not only at work, but also at home. All households know the limit of a person’s patience and will not cross it. Children who grow up in the family of a person who knows the boundaries of what is permissible will unconsciously take up a similar system of fencing their personality into service.
Varieties
A person must know his personal boundaries. This will help him feel comfortable. Also, the person must understand in which areas of life people should be given the opportunity to cross the line, and in which not. What are the varieties of personality boundaries?
- Physical. Each person around him has a distance to which he does not allow unfamiliar people. You must understand exactly what is considered acceptable and what is not. If a person comes up to you a meter, will you start to panic? And if half a meter? You need to know exactly at what distance it is pleasant for you to communicate with strangers, so that in the future you can always keep such a distance and feel comfortable. You should also set the distance for well-known people and loved ones. You have to let people know what your boundaries are and how close you can get.
- Psychological. Each person, by virtue of his upbringing and education, sets boundaries on feelings and emotions. A person can make some expressions of his feelings in the public domain, and a person will hide everything else under masks, since in his opinion these emotions should not be seen by others. You need to understand which emotions and feelings you consider public and which do not. Then you do not have to think about it every time you come across a similar situation.
- Spiritual. Everyone has the right to believe in what he wants. And if you believe in God, then do not let anyone shake your confidence. Atheists can convince in beautiful speeches that God never existed, but your right to insist on your own, and if you are not comfortable, just get away from the topic.
- Social affection. Each person has friends, acquaintances and relatives, with whom the person contacts more often than with many others, so with close people you also need to build personal boundaries of what is permitted. You cannot protect your friends from encroaching on other people, but you can set aside time that you will spend alone with loved ones.
How borders work
You have heard a lot about the boundaries of what is permitted, but do not quite understand where personality boundaries are applied? How to build a healthy relationship with her husband? Any girl thought about this question. Here we take it as an example to analyze the situation. How in many families does a husband show his authority to his wife? That's right, with the help of fists. But after all, a person never starts to wave his hands if he does not lose his temper. So, first the person should get excited and start screaming, and only then waving his arms and looking for the target for defeat. But before the man boils, he must raise his voice and switch to a new kind of intonation. All these changes occur rather quickly, but even an inexperienced person will be able to notice with a naked eye the changes that occur in the person.
A woman who has been living with her husband for many years knows all the stages of the anger of her faithful. And if she knows this, then her personal boundaries are too weak. A man can beat her only when the lady herself allows him to do it. If a woman has strong boundaries, then she will not allow her soulmate to even raise her voice, not to go on a cry. Want to build a normal relationship with a man? Do not let him violate your personal boundaries. When the husband raises his voice, reproach him for this or simply admonish with the phrase: "in this tone I will not talk to you." The man will immediately return to the normal timbre of speech and stop boiling. And if a woman cannot stand up for herself, then she will forever suffer beatings and that will not be her husband's fault, but her own. How to establish personal boundaries? Stop being a rag and take responsibility for your life in your own hands.
Expanding personal boundaries
A man must have respect for himself. If he is not, then the person will allow himself to insult and humiliate. How to establish personal boundaries? A person needs to make it clear to others that he will not give anyone the opportunity to encroach on his personal space. How to do it? Interrupt all attempts by people to get into your life. And do it right away. For example, if you do not want to tell anyone about your personal life, no one can force you to spread it. And when too inquisitive friends try to get into your soul and find out what is going on there, you can answer all the questions the same way, thanks for your interest, I’m fine. If you answer in such a manner every time, soon you will no longer be asked questions.
Similarly, you should teach others not to cross the line in the treatment of you. Do you notice that many frustrate you with anger? So you let people do it. Do not allow someone else's irritation, but rather, do not listen to other people's complaints. Is someone starting to talk about their unfortunate fate? Interrupt a person and ask what happens in a person’s life. If he is offended and says that you are a bad comrade, since you do not want to listen to the problems of others, you can always answer that you have enough problems in your life and you want to hear something positive. After all, note that when people talk about something good, they rarely conflict with each other and argue about who has a better life. And when people complain, often the dialogue slips into abuse, voice enhancement, and so on. Deliberately protect yourself from negativity, and then immediately notice how your life will improve.
All problems from childhood
Why do people grow up with weak personality boundaries? All problems of any person must be sought in childhood. Why do parents violate the personal boundaries of children? Parents who are too concerned about the health of their child often suffer from the fact that they will unnecessarily check the temperature of the child, forbid him to run and be naughty. Such hyper-custody will lead to the fact that the baby will grow into a non-self-sufficient person who will not be able to take responsibility for his actions. It would seem, but what does the border have to do with it? The child will grow up too naive and gullible, and as a result, will let anyone in who looks outwardly cute and welcoming. But the intentions of a person may not be the most good-natured.
Parents who do not like the child also risk weakening the personal boundaries of the child. The child will need love and affection, which means that he will begin to look for such feelings on the side. And the baby will be glad to any person who sips it and regrets it. The inferiority complex will remain with the person for life and the person simply will not be able to exist normally. Her self-esteem will depend on the opinions of others and on the assessment of human activity.
How else can parents violate the personal space of a child? Everyone from birth has personal items. A person should have his own mug, cup, fork, etc. If adults constantly take the baby’s things and tell the child that this is quite normal and needs to be able to share, then the child can form an inferiority complex, which is popularly called soft-heartedness.
What you need to protect from someone else's encroachment
Want to know more about personality boundaries? Kovalev will help you with this. You can open any of his study guides and learn in more detail all the features of human psychology. Among other things, Kovalev writes that it is necessary to protect personal boundaries of individuals from other people's encroachments. But in order to protect something, you need to understand exactly what.
- Personal things. Each person has objects that are valuable to him, dear and have some important significance for him. Such things should be protected from the wrong hands. If someone will take your supplies without permission, then you must reprimand the person. Do you think this is selfishness? Yes. And quite justified. It makes no sense to hand out your things to everyone. If you decide to lend something to someone, this should be your unbridled desire personally. All other methods of seizing items from you can be considered a direct violation of personal boundaries.
- Personal time. A person should have the right to time that he spends solely on himself. A person should not have problems with being alone with himself. A person does not have to go where his friends call him, only for the reason that people really want to see him. You should always set aside time in your routine in order to be alone with your thoughts and think about something personal. Psychology will help you build personal boundaries. The book you can read on this topic has the same name with your problem, and its authors are Jenny Miller and Victoria Lambert.
- Social connections. Every normal person should have good social connections. Any person has friends, family and soulmate. And with each of these types of people you need to properly build personality boundaries. How to understand the difference between different types of people? Listen to your intuition, it is rarely wrong in such things.
- Dreams and desires. You have the right to dream and desire anything. Your dreams should not be limited or imposed from the outside. People can do whatever they want. And no one can limit their freedom of choice.
Responses to violations of personal boundaries
How does a normal person react when an uninvited guest tries to stick his curious nose where they didn’t ask him to climb? Violation of personal boundaries in psychology can be characterized by several reactions. Some of them are psychological, while others have external manifestations.
- Negative emotions. First of all, a person whose personal space someone is encroaching on begins to become very annoyed. And this is quite normal. This is the first psychological sign that it is time to repulse an uninvited guest. Violation of personal boundaries in this case is not too significant, but still the person becomes uncomfortable because someone encroaches on the physical or moral space of a person.
- Responsiveness. A person who is deeply hurt will react instantly. The person will try to shield himself from the intruder, and if this does not work out, then he will go on the offensive. The person in response will try to cross the acceptable personal boundaries of the opponent.
- Offensive words. The next stage, on which the personality passes, on whose space they encroach, is insults. A person will scold his abuser and raise his voice at him. And if all this does not help, then the person will get angry and go on screaming.
- Physical injuries. If the opponent does not understand that it is necessary to stop, then the person whose boundaries have been violated can go on to use his fists. Solving problems using physical strength is not the best solution, but sometimes nothing else remains for a person.
Reasonable approach
How should a person show his personal boundaries? Psychologists advise using this method. A person should stop an opponent who has taken too wide a step once. Your offender must understand that he did something wrong, and you will not tolerate such an appeal. Thus, you give the person a first warning. A person understands how to handle you. But the next time you meet, a person can once again check the boundaries of the permissible. And if the opponent gets a rebuff again, then he will understand that you are confident in your borders. Clear knowledge of tolerance is very useful. And there is no need to repeat to the person several times what is unpleasant to you. After all, you can simply not allow a person to cross the border.
And if a person does not understand your words and believes that you can endure, you need to either stop communicating with this opponent or react sharply to his attacks. As a result, the person must understand that you are not joking and really ready to defend yourself. Moreover, methods that will justify the means can be applied even not the most amiable.
To demand that other people respect their borders, one must learn to respect other people's borders. Never play the fool or pretend that you do not understand the desires of others. After all, then these same people can cross your borders and thereby cause you inconvenience.
Easier to install immediately than reinstall
Everyone knows the phrase that it’s better to do well right away than to redo it later. But it is one thing to know, and another to bring knowledge to life. How do you set personality boundaries? Psychologists say that most people first allow a lot of their new acquaintances, and then abruptly begin to demand something from people. And it turns out that a person suddenly receives claims that he had not heard before. This often happens with couples who are just starting to meet.
The girls first close the guy close, and then build a wall through which, with all desire, it is very difficult to break through. The man begins to think that the lady decided to send him to the friend zone, and is looking for another, more affordable girl. But in fact, the lady just wanted to slightly remove the guy from herself, since she does not like it when a person violates her personal boundaries. In order not to fall into embarrassing situations, and then not to make excuses to people, you must immediately be able to show your character.Show the boundaries of the permissible immediately, not retroactively. Then you don’t have to get upset, apologize and blush for your strange behavior. Do not be afraid to seem strange in front of another person. It will be worse if you go against your will, and will endure strong pressure from the people around you.
Troubleshooting
How to learn to protect personal boundaries? A person must follow a few simple rules that will help him significantly improve his life.
- Learn to say no. If you don’t feel like doing something or just don’t want to go somewhere, say no. If a person asks you for a favor, and you have little time and effort to help him, then it is better to refuse immediately. Do not worry that you somehow hurt a friend. First of all, always think about yourself and your profit. After all, a person has one life and you need to live it in such a way that you don’t regret how little you managed to do.
- Give up strong guilt. Want to increase your personal boundaries? The exercise that will help you do this is very simple. Deny people their requests and try to drown out the guilt. You must develop a reflex when you refuse a person something, but at the same time you feel as good as if you had helped him.
- Do not make excuses. You can’t do something or don’t want to disclose any information, you don’t need to do this. Remember that you have a personal right to do what you want. Do not worry or think about what other people think badly of you. Who cares what friends think of you. If these are your good friends, they will not say anything bad. Well, if these are unfamiliar people, they simply will not find a reason to discuss you.
- Do not take resentment to heart. Did someone offend you or refuse to help you? Do not take offense as a personal insult. Remember that each person, including you, has the right to refuse. If you do not want to do something, just say it to the person in person, but remember that the person can honestly tell you that he will not help.
- Know your rights and responsibilities. A person who understands well what and to whom he owes will never suffer from weak personal boundaries. The person will be self-confident and self-sufficient.
Building your own comfort zone
How to build personal boundaries? A person should slightly redraw his character and learn:
- Self confidence. A person who considers his opinion first of all, and not the opinion of others, will be happy. It will be easy for such a person to explain to others where his own comfort zone passes, which cannot be violated.
- Dream and set goals. The restoration of personal boundaries must begin with the setting of one's desires and goals. A person must go somewhere in this life, only then can he become a harmonious person. Moving without a landmark is too easy to get lost in the bustle of the city.
- Learn to fight back people who cross your borders. You need to tactfully, but still firmly, refuse to everyone who violates your comfort zone. Such persons act ugly, and they must understand this. If a person has forgotten about your borders, do not hesitate to remind him of them. How to change your personal boundaries? Self-confidence books will help you do this.