The despotism of a person is determined by his inability to take into account the opinions and rights of other people. The behavior of this type of personality is characterized by such features as aggressiveness and revenge, and the main bright feature of manifesting oneself as a person is expressed in him in the severe suppression of any attempt of a controlled person to realize his will. How to recognize a tyrant "in person" and prevent the spread of his influence on himself and his family?
What does a tyrannical person mean?
Polish philosopher Stanislav Jerzy Lets described the tyrant as a man whose wounds constantly plague rivers of alien blood. Modern psychologists believe that, despite the metaphor of this statement, it most accurately characterizes an autocratic person projecting all his old grievances and doubts into his current relationships with others.
A despot is rarely able to achieve real respect, since he is deprived of objectivity and is not able to create even an adequate illusion of justice, but he almost never realizes his true position in the eyes of other people. In a person who is mentally healthy and has a good self-esteem, attempts by a despot to subordinate him to his will can cause only natural rejection, unwillingness to communicate more with him, but not fear and not the need to give in. For this reason, only inert type personalities, independent, co-dependent, fall under the influence of a power lover.
How to understand a tyrannical person or not? The pedantry of the despot at work and at home has been brought to pathological proportions, and by establishing strict rules of behavior, everyday life and the appearance of others, he does not take into account anyone's wishes, except for his own. Covering their actions with high moral ideals and an unquestioning “it should be so, because it should be so”, the home tyrant does not even take logically sound arguments against.
How to recognize a despot?
The main behavioral signs of an autocratic person are:
- The desire of the object to take control of everyone who shows interest in it (any), and then the desire to maintain this control at all costs.
- Vengeance, always developing in two directions - with respect to controlled objects for intimidation and with respect to those who managed to leave the tyrant’s sphere of influence.
- The need to morally and physically humiliate people, which is always openly, demonstratively.
- An unmistakable "instinct", which defines surrounded by weak individuals who are not prone to moral resistance.
All autocratic people are excellent manipulators, therefore, at the very beginning of communication, they can be recognized only by indirect signs. The final "disclosure" of character occurs when the tyrant encounters resistance against himself or feels the complete submission of others and no longer considers it necessary to hide his true "I".
What is gaslighting?
The most common type of psychological violence used by a despot against the intended victim is called gaslighting. As a rule, this method of extreme moral pressure is used to induce obedience to the "obstinate" of the second half, less often - to manipulate parents, sisters, brothers.
How is gaslighting manifested? After a relatively calm “entry” into the relationship, the despot begins his behavior, gradually pushing the victim to various criticisms, tears, expressing resentment, etc. After the act of provocation, when the negative message has already been made, the tyrant returns to a state of complacency, and the response is indignant “ takes him by surprise. " That is, “he did nothing wrong” and does not understand “what he deserved” for such an appeal. It is clear that the victim feels bewildered, guilty and tries to earn the forgiveness of a tyrant.
Such a scenario of events in various presentations is played out many times, and in the end, the victim herself comes to the conclusion that she is the initiator of the scandals, although in fact she was skillfully let down every time. Thus, a tyrannical person shakes the self-esteem of his "chosen one", making it convenient for further manipulation.
In parallel, so that in the circle of acquaintances of the victim there is no one who could point out to her the true state of affairs, the tyrant tries to alienate his companion from friends and relatives. The method of bilateral influence is most often used - the victim is told that the only one who loves and understands her is her imperious lover, and her friends are told various unsightly things about the girl. Having created a vacuum around the subject, the tyrant takes over the undivided possession of the desired object.
Reasons for Tyrannical Behavior
What kind of autocratic person is this? Psychologists have no doubt that people are not born tyrants, nor do they suddenly become at a later age. The makings of oppressive behavior are formed in a person in childhood due to the development of one of the following factors:
- parenting in a family where the opinion of the child did not play a role;
- parental suggestion to the child that he is exceptional and his position is much higher than that of others;
- the presence in the family of several children forced to fight for the attention of adults (possibly for better clothes, toys, etc.);
- frequent humiliation of the child by relatives or peers due to his physical or moral characteristics.
The violent actions of the father against the mother in the presence of children or parents against one child in the presence of another sometimes give rise to a subconscious desire on the part of the execution witness to join his strong side so that he also “does not fall under the arm”. Over time, this repeated feeling of false security can also cause the child to consciously assume the child's role as an offender.
Atypical forms of despotism in family life
Even in a family with a clear division into a strong male half and a weak female, a spouse can act as an aggressor and despot. In the absence of the ability to use physical force against a man, women often use their main weapon - verbal humiliation of a partner. If the husband does not succumb to provocations or answers the same, blackmail or direct threats replace the insults.
Starting from the age of three, the need to show leadership in children also increases. The most acute periods of the need for self-affirmation and general recognition of its significance fall in the child at 3-5 and 13-15 years, which is reflected in his behavior and in increasing the requirements for the actions of others.
Aggressor and his victim
In childhood, all events and human actions are perceived by a person from the point of view of the polar meanings “bad” or “good”. Faced with a traumatic situation, the child always identifies his personality with one of the parties, assuming the role of “victim” or “tormentor,” and in the future he already adheres to this state, which the psyche recognizes as “comfortable”.
Growing up, the “victim” will seek to connect with his missing part of the personality - more confident, powerful, able to fight back. Thus, seeing in front of herself an example of who she herself would like to be, she will experience the illusion of “processing” an unpleasant event experienced in childhood, but not actually deviate from her role.
In turn, the "tormentor" will not be able to live without a projection of its prevailing capabilities. He needs to receive constant confirmation of his strength, impunity, ability to control and suppress. At the same time, the “victim” was not assigned a secondary role, because in her ability to suffer, to show generosity, to forgive, the aggressor finds the missing elements of his own, flawed personality.
Tyrant husband
An autocratic person, which means domineering, narcissistic, is a great grief for a family, especially if the spouse selects the tactics “a better bad world than a good quarrel”. Of course, meeting aggression is also not an option - then family life turns into an open struggle for the title of “who is stronger”, but agreement with a dependent position will not be a relief for a woman.
Male tyranny in the family first manifests itself in small things against the backdrop of a benevolent and generally prosperous atmosphere. The spouse takes off most of the responsibility from his wife, shows himself as a friend and adviser, and only then it turns out that this was done for the sole purpose of depriving a woman of her independence and freedom of expression.
But even having reached its goal, a despotic person, by definition, cannot stop. He will find ever new reasons to be unhappy, and the woman will either have to put up with the eternal fate of the “guilty head” or completely eliminate the tyrant from her life. Unfortunately, it is not possible to correct the despot husband or somehow shake him with confidence in his own righteousness.
Tyrant woman
For the most part, female tyranny is considered one of the means of adaptation to environmental conditions and much less often than male tyranny is a consequence of the moral need to enjoy one's humiliation. Of course, there are many power-hungry housewives or ladies who use methods of suppressing someone else’s will to compensate for their sense of insecurity, but mainly in the female version of the execution, despotism is situational in nature.
So, one can observe the development of a woman’s tyrannical traits with long work in a leadership position in the male team or if her labor activity is carried out in law enforcement agencies. In an environment where the manifestation of character stiffness is no longer required (for example, at home), a woman’s behavior changes dramatically, and she becomes sensitive, kind and attentive.
How to help a despot and is it necessary to do this?
An autocratic person does not because of neglect the desires of other people because they seem insignificant to him, but because he is afraid to lose his own significance in the eyes of other people. At a psychologist’s appointment, where the question of despotism of one of the spouses is raised in the name of saving the marriage, the specialist always first finds out the areas of unrealization of the aggressor’s own abilities and then works in these areas.
What is psychological therapy with a person whose tyrannical inclinations put family life at risk:
- elimination of inferiority complex;
- concentration on the development of true virtues with the gradual elimination of false ones;
- finding reference points for self-affirmation due to available abilities and talents;
- the formation of respect for others.
The key point of therapy is the moment when the autocratic person gains the ability to admit his wrong. In fact, this fact is considered one of the most important, since the tyrant always considers himself right, and his opinion is unquestionably true. When a person admits that in some situations the opinions of others may seem more valuable than his own, you can dialogue with him and find compromises.
Unfortunately, not in all cases of contacting a specialist, it is possible to turn a home despot into a person with a healthy attitude to interpersonal communications. If a miracle did not happen, the only way out for the repressed spouse from a traumatic relationship would be to part with the aggressor.