Relations between husband and wife do not always work out smoothly. This is evidenced by the number of divorces, which is growing every year. Yes, it is always easier to destroy than to create, but stepping on the same rake is difficult to find a truly happy relationship. Smart partners do not run away from a problem, but try to solve it. For this, it is necessary to clearly understand what model of relations between spouses exists and what are its main disadvantages.
Parent-child relationship
From the name it becomes clear that such a model is based on the fact that one of the partners behaves like an adult, and the other, like a schoolboy. Matrimonial relations “parent - child” most often occur in pairs, where there is a big difference in age (10-15 years). Or, for example, between a strong woman who always keeps everything under control, and an independent, weak man. Quarrels in such pairs arise in two cases:
- The “parent” is bored of being in charge and keeping everything to himself. Then he begins to make complaints to the partner. And he, in turn, does not understand what is happening, because before everything and everyone was happy.
- The “child” is bored of being constantly monitored and guarded. He seeks to become independent. Of course, the second partner does not agree with this state of affairs.
And, in principle, there are many conflicts in marital relations with such a model of behavior. "Parent" constantly fulfills various vagaries and requirements of the "child". He, in turn, is offended if something does not go according to his plan. A strong partner, as a rule, complains that the spouse is weak and spineless. Moreover, he himself constantly monitors it, fulfills his whims and leads his life. Sometimes the “parent” does not even realize that he is holding onto such a model of relationships.
First of all, you should change your attitude to the "child". Do you want it to grow? So let it happen. Of course, at first, not everything will work out for him. The task of the “parent” is to support his partner, but the choice must still remain with him. Let him try to prove himself, and you just watch it from the side. Sometimes one wants to give advice and insist on being listened to. But in doing so, you only strengthen the parent-child relationship. Believe in your partner. He may well be independent if you deprive him of your guardianship.
If you are in the role of a “child” and feel that you have already grown up, start acting. Allocate personal space for yourself first. Sign up for courses or informative trainings, get a job, find a hobby to your liking. You must at least move a little away from the “parent” and show that you are also worth something.
At the same time, do not do everything too dramatically. It is worth giving up help, but at the same time take into account the interests of other people. Try to find a compromise with your partner so that he does not feel that he is losing his “child” dramatically. Of course, you should talk as much as possible with your soulmate. Ask what your loved one really wants, and be sure to tell about your plans and dreams.
Try not to be offended. His custody is a manifestation of love and care for you. At the same time, explain to your soulmate that you don’t feel like a person, that you want to develop, that you are ready to “grow up”. And even if initially the partner is against it, over time he will see that next to him is no longer a child, but a real independent person.
Co-dependent relationship
Some people like to act as an altruist. “Just look how selfless I am,” they shout with all their looks. Such individuals choose partners with certain problems or dependencies. And then for many years they struggle with it. With this model of marital relations, not only the “altruist” suffers, but often children who also have to struggle with the problems of the second parent. A particularly difficult case is if the partner drinks, rowdy or even beats his family members.
This model of behavior is much similar to the previous one. Only here in the role of a child is a person with his addiction. He is like a baby requires constant monitoring and attention. Such a relationship is comfortable for only one. But is it true love?
If you find yourself in this situation, then you urgently need to reconsider your views on life. Altruistic inclinations are great, but why do they relate only to one of your family members who might not even appreciate this? If you have been trying for years to cope with the addiction of the second half, and she does not want to change, then such a relationship is doomed.
"I'll ask mom now"
This model of marital relations is usually associated with parents of spouses who are very fond of giving advice. Intervention in family life further fuels conflicts and scandals. Of course, parents worry about their already adult children, but even so, they should be able to keep their distance.
Parental advice can often lead to family quarrels. And you need to be able to resist them. Firstly, no need to complain about your soulmate. When mother hears that her child is offended, of course, she begins to rush to help. Try to consult with your parents as little as possible about family relationships, and even more so they should not be involved in resolving conflicts.
Tug of war
If both partners are sufficiently ambitious and strong personalities, it can be difficult for them. Each of them wants to take a leading position and prove themselves in family relationships. And what is most interesting, from the outside it is not always possible to say for sure who is in charge of the family. In fact, in psychology there are two concepts of leadership: hidden and explicit.
And the first is not always visible from the side. The hidden leader can be anyone, including the mother-in-law and mother-in-law. They can dictate their laws, manipulate and even create problems in marital relations. At the same time, for example, the husband thinks that he is the head of the family, although in reality he does only what his mother wants. It is not necessary that the hidden leader act only for his own good. Some families, where a smart mother-in-law or mother-in-law plays this role, are much stronger than those in which there are no hidden leaders at all.
How to understand what is happening in your family and what does it need? First of all, analyze who is the initiator of "brilliant" ideas. Most likely, it is this person who is the hidden leader. If all the issues in your family are resolved with the help of scandals and quarrels, then most likely the main thing in your family is not at all. Or, on the contrary, each member of the family considers himself a leader. Such a fight usually drags on for many years until one of the spouses surrenders.
The wife’s behavior plays an important role in this matter. Men in 80% of cases always strive to be in charge. And it is easy to understand that this is due to their nature, which is difficult to change. On the other hand, the male brain cannot solve 50% of family issues. Then his wife should come to the rescue, not only in the role of the second head of the family, but in the role of the hidden leader.
In such a family peace and silence will reign. The husband believes that he makes important decisions and is the head of the family. At the same time, in ordinary household matters, the wife submits to her husband, does not mind the little things and supports his supremacy. When solving important problems, the wife’s task is to submit her decision in such a way that the husband thinks that this is his idea. Then this will not affect his ego, but at the same time, the issue will be resolved as quickly and efficiently as possible. This should not be considered meanness or cunning. In many families it is absolutely normal when the husband is the “head” and the wife is the “neck”.
Perfect option
The issue of power and family leadership is so widespread that a book could be written about it. But omitting all the nuances and types of marital relations, we can come to only one important conclusion. In order for peace and tranquility to reign in the family, each partner must have its own piece of power. In other words, his own area in which he can feel important, necessary and competent. It is important to be able to adapt to situational changes and redistribute responsibilities in time.
Problems related to children and their upbringing
Despite the types of marital relations, in almost every family there are conflicts that affect the interests of children. Initially, it should be noted that conflicts arise precisely because each of the parents has its own model of education. And most likely, she takes her origins in childhood.
For example, when the spouse was small, the parents were too cruel with her. She was not allowed to walk with friends, punished for nothing. Even then, as a little girl, she promised herself that she would never be so cruel as her mother. My father had a different situation. Few people did it. He did what he wanted, got into various unpleasant situations. And now, having become a father, he decided that his child would be under total control.
So it turns out that one parent is trying to pamper his child, while the other, on the contrary, is trying to keep him within tight limits. But parents are unlikely to understand that such multidirectional education is not suitable for the child.
In order to resolve the conflict, it is necessary in a calm environment (without the presence of a child) to discuss models of parenting. It should be understood that your childhood and your baby are absolutely not connected. Trying to heal your psychological trauma, you can harm your child. It is necessary to stipulate in advance with your spouse the direction in which your baby will be brought up and clearly follow it.
Sexual problems
Violation of marital relations may occur due to misunderstanding in bed. Usually problems begin to arise for 2-3 years of marriage. Quite often, the reason for this is the appearance of children. A young mother is very exhausted with the baby, and there is no time or desire for sex. The same goes for the husband. Now he has to work more to provide for his family. Sexual problems can be completely different. But if there is a violation of marital relations because of them, an urgent need to solve the problem. And the most important thing in this matter is not to be shy and speak frankly with your soulmate.
Financial difficulties
Here is another common reason conflicts arise in family marital relationships. And the point is not that the couple earn little. In this case, the problem lies in leadership and leadership. Men often reproach their wives with the fact that they earn less than they do, but at the same time they do not allow them to fully develop and work. Of course, because if a spouse suddenly starts to get more, her husband’s leadership may be in question.
There is a solution to the problem. It is necessary to orient the whole family in a different direction. Money should not be the goal. This is just a tool that helps to survive. In the first place in family relations should be love, care, respect for each other.
In case of conflicts regarding finances, try not to be nervous. The calmer and more balanced the tone of at least one of the partners, the less likely it is that a quarrel will break out. In addition, try to explain to your partner that in order to earn a lot of money you need to be strong and persistent. And conflicts, on the contrary, deplete the nervous system, increase fatigue and provoke depression.
Adultery
The development of marital relations is impossible to predict. It often happens that the cause of quarrels and conflicts is a lover or lover. On the one hand, a partner cannot forgive betrayal. On the other hand, he cannot let go of his soulmate. So they live with adultery for many years. But in order to understand this issue, you need to determine exactly why the partner decided on this. Yes, there are really people for whom one partner is not enough.
But, contrary to popular belief, only 8% really are. The reason for the remaining betrayals is constant quarrels, conflicts. When a man does not feel the main thing in the family, he subconsciously begins to look for a woman who recognizes him as such. The same goes for girls. It is important for them to feel beautiful, desirable. They need to bloom for someone. When a man is too busy with work and does not pay any attention to her, the lady decides to cheat.
Marital relations in marriage do not always go smoothly, but it does not make sense to go to extreme measures. Try to pay attention to your partner, put him in his place. Does he feel comfortable in your family? To diagnose marital relations, you can also contact a psychologist. There is nothing shameful about this. On the contrary, a few sessions can help to better know your soulmate and solve many problems.
Recipe for Family Happiness
Is there any ideal advice that can help solve family problems? No, because the characteristics of marital relations depend on the spouses. What will help in one case will be ineffective in another. It is for this reason that one should not too heed the advice of friends. Each person has a certain experience, but is it useful in your case? There is such a probability, but it is very low. The same goes for the advice of relatives. Remember what the conjugal relationship of the parents was. Do they look like yours? Similarity is sure to be if you use their relationship model.
Everyone has his own recipe for family happiness. It depends on many factors and in most cases on the characters and views of partners. Do not look for a magic recipe so that marital relations in the family are impeccable. It does not exist. Just try to understand and feel your soulmate, then many problems will be solved by themselves.