Such unavoidable life events as the loss of loved ones cannot be undone, and you can almost never prepare for them: a disaster comes suddenly and finds a person in all his defenselessness against external forces. The desire to help a friend or relative who finds himself in misfortune requires not only his presence from his neighbor, but also a sense of tact and the ability to find the right words. How to support a person who has lost a loved one, and with what necessary phrases to restore his broken mental balance?
How to behave with a person experiencing loss
There is no “right time” for expressing condolences: words of support to a person who has lost a loved one are appropriate both a day and a year after an unfortunate event. Much less tactful than belated regrets would be to completely ignore the sad news and behave with the person as if nothing had happened.
The most difficult thing for someone who sincerely wants to help the grieving person is to defend their intention to be with him. Despite the fact that the unfortunate person really needs a friendly shoulder, his first outburst after the stage of shock will be abstracted from the familiar world, left alone, "plunged" into his despair. He may not answer calls, not go to the door and even rudely reject any offers of help, but this does not mean that loneliness brings him relief - he simply is not able to play any public role.
What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? A big mistake in the first days after the accident was attempts to distract a person from everyday worries, load him with responsibility for children and his financial situation, and “appeal to a sense of duty”. Nothing good will come of it.
A person is able to suppress an attack of despair in himself in order to perform ritual manipulations and even show some activity in the household, but his unspoken grief will not go anywhere and will only go deeper into consciousness.
If there is no desire to be intrusive or the existing relationship with the one who lost the closest person does not allow you to give him excessive attention (we are talking about a work colleague or housemate), then it is enough to put your condolences into the necessary words. It is important that this is not an empty verbal formula like: "Well, hold on," or "everything will work out." If nothing else comes to mind, it would be more appropriate to completely remain silent and simply hug the mourner.
Right on the mountain
In the modern world, people have forgotten how to treat grief as a natural state that accompanies a person during certain life periods. The death and illness of relatives, personal dramas - all this has become customary to shade to a mass of unnecessary actions that can create only the illusion of control over the situation.
A watch designed for sorrow has become a platform for reassessing the qualities of self. Now even from well-known psychologists one can hear phrases such as: "This misfortune made you make a leap forward" or "This grief has contributed to your spiritual growth." And people who are discouraged by such a look at their personal misfortune, and themselves suddenly begin to believe in some kind of mythical benefit that came to them with the death of a loved one. Or if they don’t start to believe, they feel a deep mental pain from such cynicism.
How to help a person who has lost a loved one? The first and main rule in this situation is not to prevent him from grieve. In fact, such visible inaction next to the mourner is more difficult for condolences than violent activity - it seems to them that their presence is in the way, and they hear falsity in their own words. However, a person who has lost a loved one does not need words as such at all, they can be said only once: “I understand everything, I’m always with you all the time”, and then only be at arm's length.
A person is able to survive the worst grief and maintain reason only if he is not alone. Being close is the most important help to people who have lost loved ones, and it does not matter if the grieving person currently reacts to this presence positively or not, later he will be very grateful for it.
Stages of experiencing grief
During stress, a person ceases to take care of himself, may forget or lose his desire to eat, perform hygienic procedures and even even sometimes go out into the fresh air. Helping the mourner at such moments is to gently and unobtrusively remind him of the need to perform certain actions and ensure that the person performs them on time. What words to say to a person who has lost a loved one? Anyone who would constantly remind him that he is not alone takes care of him and, most importantly, they understand him.
It is equally important from the point of view of maintaining a healthy mind of a person to control the dynamics of his release from a situation of hopelessness and gradually strengthen his confidence in his own abilities. In order for the process to go with minimal pain, one should know the features and critical time periods of passing through all stages of overcoming grief.
In total, psychologists call the four stages of the return of the mournful to normal life. With good support and with the possibility of maintaining communication with the outside world, a person goes through all phases sequentially, without returning to a previous state and not getting stuck for a long time at each stage.
Shock stage
It normally takes the shortest period of time compared to the rest: from several hours to three days. The clinical picture of the human condition is as follows:
- he does not believe what is happening;
- the external state of the individual can be characterized as calm;
- inhibition of the reaction is present;
- possible hysterical seizures, sudden mood swings from intense excitement to complete indifference;
- in individual cases, a person can persistently deny what is happening and even invent his own story about the forced departure of the deceased or his betrayal (departure) from the family.
The shock stage is dangerous in that it can “drag out” a person for a long time. Once created the illusion that the departed is alive and well, but is in untimely departure, it can linger for many years, and the individual, whose consciousness thus resists reality, is ready to defend his version, regardless of the arguments.
What words of comfort should I say to a person who has lost a loved one? At the first stage of experiencing grief, any condolences, attempts to talk to the grieving, are unnecessary. You can’t get him to answer the question about further intentions, ask if he needs anything. Most likely, having shaken off the state of the first shock, a person will not remember at all what he was doing or speaking during the hours terrible for him.
People who take part in the life of the mourner will have to deal with organizational and everyday issues: straighten out the necessary documents, ring the relatives of the deceased, take the first wave of condolences, from which they can only get worse. Even preparing a simple dinner, washing dishes or routine cleaning in the house will be a huge help for someone who is not yet able to realize the importance of each of these daily worries.
Stage of acute experiences
After the shock stage, the most acute phase of grief sets in, characterized by such signs of an individual’s state as:
- resentment at all: those who take a deep part in the family tragedy (“they are doing well, but I feel bad”), and those who seem less affected by misfortune (“nobody cares about me”);
- lack of understanding of how this could happen and why it happened to him;
- aggression, accompanied by reproaches or denial of the need for outside help;
- often - increased tearfulness, the demand for general attention to their problem and even excessive demonstration of their grief.
How to reassure a person who has lost a loved one? The condoler is obliged to drown out and in every possible way smooth out his response to the unjust statements of the grieving, even if it will be difficult. Any negative return will cause an immediate response in the form of aggression, so if a person does not have such baggage of moral endurance, he is better off not being constantly close to the person who has lost a loved one. What to tell a person during this period?
Still, despite the denial, the mourner needs understanding, but even more he needs to know that those around him constantly remember his misfortune and experience the bitterness of loss in the same intensity. During this period, one should not be afraid to show sympathy and, without fear of appearing trivial, to say soulful phrases: “I understand you!”, “How do you cope with all this!”, “How much courage is in you!”.
It is normal if an acute state of grief lasts from 3 to 10 weeks. If this time period has been delayed for a period of more than 3 months, it is worth considering whether the personal tragedy of the grieving person has turned into his means of manipulating others?
Awareness phase
The third stage is easily distinguishable from the previous one by the advent of the so-called mental decline. The mood of the grieving person changes less and less until he takes on the position of stably depressed, but at the same time there is a positive side: a person already ceases to live in the past and begins to think about how to live on. This period is just perfect in order to start asking him questions that suggest thoughts on further actions.
What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? First of all, you need to find out what type and amount of help he still needs. A widower, who has lost his wife, may still need help with the housework for a long time, but he is already able to take on some elementary manipulations in cooking and cleaning.
Almost always, the stage of awareness is characterized for the grieving person with a keen desire to speak out, complain, remember the past. From the condolences during such talkative periods, the protégé is required to express full attention and readiness to agree with all that has been said, without giving any advice or interrupting the monologue with personal comments. Usually, after a state of elation, a person again falls into a minor mood, and here the tasks of an assistant change - he needs to become a generator of ideas and not allow a friend to wallow in inaction and longing.
In another category of people, any intrusive attention from the side in minutes of grief causes severe irritation. Therefore, if a person who, in ordinary times, was not highly communicative, says that he is tired of everything and wants to be alone, this should be immediately taken into account.
Stage of adoption: final
The last stage is often called also rehabilitation, because a person in this period is likened to recovering from a serious illness: in him again wakes up an interest in life, a desire to communicate and like the opposite sex. In time, this stage often coincides with the celebration of the anniversary of the death of a loved one, which is very symbolic. After the commemoration rite corresponding to the date of the ceremony, the mourner as if freed from his fetters and feels capable of continuing to live fully.
It may be unclear to people who are unfamiliar with the state of mental renewal after prolonged grief, what words to say to a person who has lost a loved one and has already passed through all stages of grief. There is no single recipe for building a conversation here, but it should be remembered that the disaster that has happened is still alive in the memory of the unfortunate person, and he is not able to instantly merge into the usual routine of social life. No need to try to arouse in him an artificial interest in past entertainments, push him to meet new people - this will only frighten off the recovering person.
Mistakes to Avoid
Inadequate help, especially provided “from under the stick” or solely due to close family ties with the mourner, can distort the very meaning of support. It will turn out to be dangerous both a neglect of misfortune, and excessive, all-consuming attention to it.
What definitely should not be done when you take part in the life of a person who has lost a loved one, and what to say when you feel that everything went wrong:
- it is necessary to exclude from your behavior and speech any patterns that may give a formal attitude to the personal tragedy of another person;
- if all worries about the mourner are already distributed among relatives, you should not look for any way to contribute - sometimes only outside observation will help to better discern the actual needs of a person;
- it is better to avoid conversations on the topics: “life does not end,” “is still getting better” - a person in moments of grief is not able to look with optimism into perspective, and such pathos can cause him irritation;
- no need to bombard a person with questions, asking him to describe in detail all his current needs;
- categorically it is impossible to adapt to the emotional line of the mourner: to sob, reproach fate with injustice, and behave helplessly.
It often happens that a person who has already experienced the first wave of grief begins to see benefits in universal self-pity and use it to the detriment of benefactors. For example, it is not in a hurry to return to work if friends have already taken care of its material support, or again take up the upbringing of children whose grandmothers successfully take care of. In such a situation, you need to directly discuss with the person the boundaries beyond which help can no longer extend, and assure him that he will not be left without support if he regains some of his former obligations.
Psychologists advice
The most serious “psychological poison”, according to experts, is the desire of relatives to protect a person from the inevitable stress associated with loss at all costs. It is as if a person is immersed in a certain vacuum, not allowing him to meet his misfortune and feel it, pump it with sedatives, misinform. As a result, the desired reaction still occurs, but this happens with a great delay and, as a rule, is accompanied by mental disorders.
Psychologists working in extreme situations recommend in all cases to tell the truth, not only the one that exists at the moment, but also expecting a person after a shock period. The victim should be correctly informed that he will have a difficult time of mental imbalance that will have to be experienced, difficult emotional experiences that should not be avoided or feared.
A person needs to clearly understand that everything that happens and will happen to him is normal and inevitable. The pain will subside, giving way to light sadness, but all the time that it will take a difficult process, relatives will be nearby, ready to help with real actions. It should be noted that confidence in the possibility of someone real assistance, and not just verbal support over the phone - one of the most significant elements of help in difficult times.
How to understand that a person needs the help of a psychologist
What to do if you have lost a loved one or take part in the life of someone who is experiencing this tragedy? It is important to understand that all people are different, and that which is the norm for one is unnatural and incomprehensible to another.
There are people who cope with their grief and return to a full life 3-5 months after the misfortune, and this does not mean their soullessness or lack of love for the departed. And there are those who find it difficult to have a one-year cycle that hurts with constant reminders of the holidays and important dates spent with the deceased.
In general, a year is a nominal unit of the mourning period, accepted by psychologists as the relative norm for the period of mourning. A person living the next 365 days after the loss of a loved one compares his life “before” and “after”, and this process brings him a lot of suffering. When the cycle goes to the second round, the severity of the moments of significant dates is already significantly smoothed out, and the experiences are in the nature of "quiet sadness."
If this is not so, and more than a year after the tragedy, a person continues to execute himself and others with endless depressions and bouts of aggression, he should be consulted by a psychologist. Perhaps there was a “stuck” at some stage of the experience of grief, or for some reason, the person was thrown back to one of the already passed stages of awareness of misfortune. In any case, further inaction on the part of the relatives of the grieving person becomes dangerous and threatens the development of his mental deviation.