Drinking father is not only life without childhood. This is a huge com psychological problems in adulthood. Children who have grown up in a family with a drinking parent or parents run the risk of repeating a negative life scenario and remaining unhappy with their spouses. What to do if father drinks, why this happens and how to help - we will tell in the article below.
Causes
There are several reasons for the development of male alcoholism. In them lies the answer to the question why in the family a drinking father and husband:
- Genetic dependence on alcohol. A man just wants to relieve stress, but if there were alcoholics in his family, it is very difficult to avoid a situation in which a bottle of beer after work would not turn into alcoholism.
- The habit of drinking "for company" with drinking friends, so as not to offend them. Gradually, occasions are no longer required.
- Quarrels in the family, unfulfilled dreams, lack of money, difficulties at work. Men have less psychological stability than women and tend to run away from problems through alcohol, games, or in other ways.
First stage
The first stage of alcoholism is the irregular, but frequent use of alcohol. At this stage, there is a high probability of a complete cure if you notice it as soon as possible. The first stage is characterized by such signs:
- constant irritation, a tendency to frequent depression;
- unwillingness to notice and acknowledge problems;
- strong desire to drink;
- Low tolerance to alcohol.
Second stage
When alcoholism went into the second stage, it begins to destroy health. Characteristic features:
- Improving ethanol tolerance. What does this mean: the protective gag reflex is eliminated, in order to achieve psychological comfort, a large dose of alcohol is required in comparison with the initial dose.
- After drinking, a person quickly becomes sleepy.
- The body absorbs more alcohol in less time.
- The body produces endorphins, better known as the hormone of joy. This explains a good mood, changeability of emotions, aggressiveness.
Third stage
It is considered the most dangerous and destructive of all, causing significant damage to the central nervous system, brain departments and the cardiovascular system. It is characterized by signs:
- There is no gag reflex even with a very large amount of drunk.
- Partial memory loss.
- Long-term drunkenness.
- General exhaustion of the body.
- The destruction of the liver until the onset of cirrhosis.
External signs
A person suffering from alcohol dependence in the third stage can be recognized by the following external signs:
- Blue lips.
- A detached look.
- Weak muscles.
- Swollen lower eyelids.
- Swelling of the face, chin and neck.
- Red skin.
How alcohol affects children
Psychologists note that in families where there is a drinking father, children experience severe psychological trauma. They are equal in strength to those with which soldiers return from hostilities. But it’s not only the father who drowns himself in a bottle that is to blame. No less blame lies with the mother. A woman living with an alcoholic, even if not drinking with him, is fixated on her husband. Thus, the child suffers from a lack of attention from both parents at once. After all, the father is constantly drinking, and the mother can not think about anything else. A child can attract attention in negative ways, or it can become insular. It all depends on the character and education.
If the family has a drinking father or both parents, then the children have a poor concentration of attention, a tendency to conflict, low sociability among peers. Often they leave home early, begin to wander, drink, use toxic and narcotic substances. In the family, the child learns to build relationships with the opposite sex and builds a picture of how to interact with the world and behavioral reactions.
The drinking father, screaming, raising his hand at his mother and at the child, causes the latter to be very afraid, even if it was a slight slap. This is partly because the baby sees how upset and scared his mother is. The child's picture of the world is destroyed, in which parents are his protectors.
A scenario of the behavior of children in a family with a drinking parent
Children of drinking fathers most often behave according to the following scenarios:
- "Heroic". A small child takes on adult responsibilities and problems that parents cannot cope with. He becomes the master of the house, the parent for brothers and sisters, if any. Sometimes a child tries to take on the aggression of a drunken parent in order to protect his mother or younger children in this way.
- "Illusory". With this type of behavior, the child hides from problems, because he still does not understand what to do. He begins to build his own illusory world, in which everything is good, and hides in it.
- "Guilty". The drinking father or both parents immediately begin to blame the child for their unfulfilled fate, unfulfilled ambitions. Constantly felt guilt leads to the fact that the child, growing up, subconsciously chooses unsuccessful partners for a relationship or low-paying job. In this way, he tries to subconsciously drown out the guilt, to earn something good, because he cannot be loved as he is. This is a deep, inner conviction: before you deserve something, you need to suffer.
- "Unpunished". The opposite scenario to the previous one. Here the parent or both parents feel guilty for what is happening in the house and try to drown it out with permissiveness for the son or daughter.
Daughter Drinking Dad
The daughters of drinking fathers may encounter such problems:
- Physical abnormalities, various diseases, such as infertility, epilepsy and others.
- Craving for alcohol.
- Complexes about their own inferiority, fears, unstable emotional state.
In addition, girls whose fathers drank, having matured, choose the same spouse as their life partners or provoke a husband who did not drink with their behavior. This happens because she subconsciously copies the picture she saw in childhood and begins to reproduce it in her own family.
There is also a victim complex. The victim always has hidden benefits, no matter how scary it sounds. Thus, a girl or a woman feels her significance for a husband who "will definitely disappear without her", she likes when others pity her and admire the threshold of patience.
Daughter - wife or game in "Alcoholic"
Sometimes in a family where there is a drinking father, mom asks her daughter to "look after dad." She begins to look after him, regret, in the end, gives herself the word that she will get dad out of hard drinking. Thus, the girl crosses out parent-child relations with dad and takes on the responsibilities of the wife. As a result, this puts pressure not only on her psyche, but also negatively affects relations with all family members, including her mother. Psychologist E. Byrne calls it the game of an alcoholic.
Son in the family of an alcoholic dad
If a father drinks every day, few of the children are able to assess the situation as bad or abnormal. For them, alcohol is just a way to spend time relaxing. A drinking father becomes an example for a son in most families. Drinking is completely normal for him.
The father continues to drink, and the mother does not risk filing for a divorce, assumes responsibility because of pity and fear of being alone. In addition, mothers often pretend for children and their environment that everything is in order, there are no problems, because of feelings of shame or fear.
The boy is a future man, and with such a dual behavior of his mother, he is lost, not knowing how to react and evaluate it. Gradually, he begins to drink alcohol if he does not want to be responsible for the situation or does not know what to do. This is a behavioral stereotype embedded in the subconscious.
What should a woman do? Step One: A Frank Talk
Consider what to do to a woman in a family where there is a drinking father. First, tune in to an open and honest conversation with your spouse, especially if before your life together he did not have a strong craving for drinking alcohol. Think, maybe you demand too much from your spouse, give little praise, often criticize about his failure and social unfulfillment?
With great confidence, we can say that a quiet conversation heart to heart will clarify the situation. Maybe a man simply does not have enough self-confidence to change something. Stop pressing hard on your spouse, notice what he does for your sake, and not what he does not. This will help, especially if alcoholism has not yet developed into chronic.
Adequate treatment
If the father began to drink, then the mother often begins to drive him through fortune-teller fortunetellers and ask for a magic plot or weed. Sometimes women treat their husbands quietly, further exacerbating the already deplorable situation. The best option is to go to a special rehabilitation center to help addicted people. Their effectiveness has been proven by most drug specialists.
Within the walls of the center, a man spends from six months to a year, psychologists and a number of other specialists work with him. Walking around grandmothers takes a huge amount of time and money, and the outcome of such treatment is uncertain. You can accidentally provoke a heart attack or fainting under the influence of a miracle weed.
Frank conversation with children
The negative scenarios of the life of the daughter and son of the drinking father described above are not always true. Not all children repeat the fate of their fathers and mothers. The main thing is to soberly talk about the problem in the family. Talk honestly, without downplaying or exaggerating the problem. Dad is sick - this is not normal. He needs support, help and treatment. Do not allow humiliating words about your husband, even if he deserves it, especially if the son grows up in the family. He will not be able to grow up strong and responsible if his father is constantly rotted and humiliated in his presence.
Self-focus
If the father drinks heavily, then the mother has one single healthy way out - she will concentrate on ensuring her own safety and the safety of the children. You can move to live with your mother for a while or send the children to a sanatorium to give the psyche an emotional discharge. And then talk with her husband about a divorce or about treatment in a hospital. The situation will not change while you are silent and accepting it.
How to be children
When at home only the drinking father, what to do to the children, psychologists answered. If the child is left alone with his dad, who spends time with a bottle and behaves aggressively, the best way out is to leave home with his grandmother or classmates before mom returns home. The recommendation for girls is especially relevant when dad does not drink alone. In this way, the girl will maintain her health, cause less damage to the psyche, although it may be embarrassing to ask to spend the night with her friend. Most importantly, she will be able to protect herself from drunken harassment from her father’s friends. Another rule is not to take the bottle from your father and not ask the drinking buddies to leave. This will aggravate the situation.
Adult Tips for Solving an Adult Problem
A few recommendations for children from psychologists about how to behave with dad if he drinks:
- Even if a father drinks every day, this fact itself does not make him an alcoholic. The perceptions of the child and adult are different from each other. Perhaps there is no cause for alarm, but it's worth talking openly with mom.
- Do not call your father an alcoholic. He will not drink less from this, but will get very angry, even if he is sober.
- It is necessary to decide on a frank conversation with someone from adults that the father began to drink. This will bring relief, and perhaps someone will give valuable advice on how to make family life easier.
- Let one of the adults whom he trusts and respects speaks with the drinking father. Just do not need to ask for help from unfamiliar and generally unfamiliar people. They will not be able to help and can breed unnecessary gossip.
- Remember with dad the best time together. It is important that dad be sober at this moment. Remember how you went fishing or camping, how dad taught you to ride a bicycle, and how you and your mom were proud of him when everything was fine. Tell along with your brothers, sisters or mother that you are really short of dad and you are worried about his life and health.
Recommendations for adult children
If you grew up in a family with an alcoholic father, but want to help him, then you can do it. Psychologists have some tips for you:
- Call the addiction specialist at home. Detoxification of the body will improve its well-being.
- When your father is sober, arrange a meeting with a psychologist to understand the cause of the binge.
- If father wishes, send him for treatment to a special center for six months or a year.
- If the father decided to live soberly - show your participation, help clean the apartment, go shopping.
- Do not become a drinking buddy of a father in feasts.
- After the decision is made not to drink, remove alcoholic beverages from home, do not buy them even on holidays.
Many women and children of men whose family fell apart due to alcohol do not want to communicate with them. An alcoholic father is not the best, and of course, he is responsible for the problems of his children, but this is not a reason to abandon him alone. The article gives recommendations on what to do if your father drinks and the decision is yours.