About 40 or 30 years ago, the word "manipulator" was not used by the broad masses of the population. The average citizen of the USSR knew that he could be fooled by representatives of gypsy nationality if he relaxed and was guided by their methods. However, by observing certain precautions, this could have been avoided. But over time, the forms of deception changed, and now the harmonious ranks of manipulators, or the so-called pick-ups, amicably entered our reality, working out the knowledge of psychology on the gaping ones. According to experts, the manipulation of consciousness of both men and women began about 25 years. Of these, for about 15 years, this movement has been actively introduced in the post-Soviet space. So, the question of how to recognize the manipulator is quite relevant.
The basic Instinct
Perhaps the first greetings from the manipulators flew in from abroad was the film Basic Instinct, in which the heroine Sharon Stone demonstrated her mastery of pick-up techniques. The trick is that it was impossible to convict her of anything, since it provided for multi-way combinations. This allowed her to always be two steps ahead of her victims.
In 2006, the continuation of the story came out - “Basic Instinct 2”, where Catherine Tramell, having expanded the arsenal of manipulations, won the match with the psychotherapist Michael. The film can be considered as a guide for the pikaper. Let's try to figure out: what is the effect on a person based on and how to recognize a manipulator.
Complexes and archetypes
There are no perfect people in this world. It is a fact. We all come from childhood, and each of us has our own memories, including traumatic ones. Our parents, raising us, made mistakes, the consequences of which we sometimes correct, and sometimes pass on to future generations. Entering the period of old age, we can be aware of the hidden causes of our actions, but, as they say, if youth knew, if old age could. Belatedly, we are trying to protect our children from the roads we took ourselves, but it is too late: they have already taken the first steps along this path.
The fact is that no one can force another person to change. The transformation of personality is possible only by good will and with full awareness of the goals. However, this often happens even when a person realizes that he is at the last line, beyond which there is a cliff. And at that moment, the instinct of self-preservation works, but not for everyone ... It also happens that the realization that you have lived your own life for decades and used it trivially comes too late: there is neither time nor energy to then change.
What is not taught at school?
Unfortunately, in our educational system there is no subject teaching teens how to recognize a liar and a manipulator. Dozens of training hours are spent on studying algebra, biology, chemistry and even the history of religion. But what to do in order not to become a victim of the manipulator, how to recognize it among your environment? Children and teenagers have to learn this from their own experience, which sometimes ends in suicide ...
In such cases, formidable letters and recommendations “to deepen, expand, punish, verify, etc. the work of the teaching staff and the psychological service” fly from the Ministry of Education and Science to the places of the tragedy. In all the schools of the “distinguished” region, mass testing and parent-teacher meetings begin, but the reason remains unrevealed, since for this it would be necessary to change the approach to the education system. And who needs this? ..
Bottom line: the rescue of the drowning is exclusively in their hands.
Hook and eyelet
We all know this phrase, "Demand creates supply." In the context of manipulative practices, this statement can be rephrased "If there is no loop, then the hook is useless." Indeed, it is possible to apply various psychological “tricks” as much as you like, but if the object does not respond to them, then it is useless to press this button. But there are other points ...
So, do not rush to rejoice: everyone has complexes, with the only difference being that some work out them, thus gaining inner strength, while others wait for a kick from life, which will make them look their fears directly into the eyes. But neither one nor the other is safe from manipulation. However, the Warning - Armed rule works for everyone.
Activate your buttons
It should be noted that both men and women are manipulated. The ways of influencing both of them are practically no different, especially in light of the equality achieved with such hard work.
Now we are not surprised at female businessmen and male householders. However, these changes occurred a little over a century ago, and the deep subconscious mind continues to live according to its own laws. And so they are the hidden motivators of our actions.
So, let's turn to the unconscious and its archetypes. According to them, a man is primarily a father, a warrior and a breadwinner, and a woman is a mother and a keeper of the hearth. The unconscious behavior of both is based on this. And here are all the weak points, and the task of the manipulator is to recognize signs of the weaknesses of the future victim.
Alpha male
To attract a female, the male, figuratively speaking, dissolves feathers or tail, in every possible way showing his strength and brutality. In the modern world, this can be expressed in demonstrating one’s achievements and capabilities, as well as the sphere of influence, that is, the level of available power. It is such a man that a woman subconsciously sees as the father of her children.
Therefore, if there are no such advantages, you have to either invent their presence or colorfully describe the bright prospects that are about to open to the delighted gaze of the electorate, as well as a potential companion of the hero's life.
But modern ladies, especially those who have achieved a lot on their own, are not too ready to provide their ears for such a “noodle,” so special training is required here: knowledge of the psychology of women, as well as acting. Well, of course, we need brains tuned to specific goals and objectives.
Therefore, the question of how to recognize a male manipulator seems far from simple. You can find the answer to it if you understand in which object the subject is interested.
Hidden reasons
To answer the question about the object that is desirable for the manipulator, you need to understand: why does it need it? What do you think: manipulators are born or become?
The answer will be ambiguous: we all one way or another strive to achieve goals that each has his own, corresponding to the makings and abilities obtained at birth. Ways to achieve goals are determined by our attitudes (they are also conscience), as well as upbringing and living conditions, including in childhood. From childhood we take out both good and bad, in particular fears and complexes, as well as the usual ways of our own reactions to them.
With age, the realization comes that you should not show your weaknesses to others, and their disguise begins. But deep down, knowledge remains: fears remain, and the stronger they are, the better they must be hidden. And for greater reliability, armor is formed in the form of an "alpha image".
Psychologists know that what is our complexes can become our incentive for growth and development. But those who are not ready to change themselves can begin to invent ways to change the world around them, “under their own power”, driven by the fear of exposure.
Manipulators, daffodils, socially adapted psychopaths, pick-up men - they all strive to achieve influence and power at all costs, without worrying about the fate of their potential victims.
Their distinguishing feature is the lack of empathy, in principle, they are not capable of sympathy, this quality is blocked from them, and this is the first of the answers to the question of how to recognize a manipulator.
What do they need?
If you think that the manipulator needs a personality with the psychology of the victim, then you are mistaken. Such people are not attractive to him for one simple reason - they have a low energy resource. The victim, as a rule, is weighed down by the guilt instilled in her, and therefore cannot be effective in society.
And the manipulator, as you recall, needs power, the amount of which is directly proportional to its internal, carefully concealed fear. Therefore, he will look for the most resource-rich object that he can reach.
One or the one who interests him has something valuable: energy, real estate, influential friends, wide opportunities, money, etc. And in order to get to such a person, you need a “spectacular appearance” and the subsequent promotion of the object. And this is the second answer to the question of how to recognize a manipulator.
True princes are few
The ratio of princes or princesses to the average inhabitants of a particular country has a clear bias towards the latter. Accordingly, Valery Meladze in the song "Girls from High Society" was right: not enough for everyone. But all or almost all dream, especially in youth. And then it comes, a harsh reality that you don’t want to put up with at heart, so many continue to hope ... This is the very loop for which the hook is ready.
You can recognize a man as a manipulator, including by its spectacular appearance, completely depriving you of reason and a stable emotional state. The apotheosis of this "file failure" will be your thought in the first 15 minutes of your acquaintance: "This is him, and I want children from him!"
How to recognize a manipulator? 20 sure signs
Before you finally lose your mind, ask yourself the question: "Do you really think you got the prince on a white horse?" By the way, this question is also relevant in relation to the "princess in the golden carriage."
Maybe everything is simpler, and he (she) is just a pick-up, which is quite likely if:
- He looks perfect.
- He has an alpha male posture.
- He showers you with compliments that are too sophisticated to be true.
- He has a great sense of humor, which speaks of high intelligence.
- He makes you understand that he was looking for someone like you for a long time.
- He seeks to violate your personal space, either by obtaining your permission to do so, or arbitrarily.
- He stares into your eyes for an unreasonably long time.
- He is trying to impress you with his talents or stories of achievements.
- He makes promises that will not be fulfilled subsequently.
- He does everything so that your meeting continues.
In doing so, the following happens to you:
- You acknowledge that you have lost the ability to reason adequately.
- You have all the signs of a high level of adrenaline in the blood: your heart is pounding, your palms are wet, your legs are buckling.
- Crap comes into my head like joint children.
- For some reason you feel sick or there are other signs of malaise.
- You are overcome by bad forebodings.
- You fall out of reality.
- You catch yourself thinking that you can not mind him.
- Your level of intelligence fails in his presence.
- You have exceeded the permissible threshold of frankness with an almost complete stranger.
- You have a feeling that you are present at a performance with your participation.
In this case, the signals that your body gives you are very important: do not brush them off.
The bait is swallowed!
If the first meeting was continued, then the following will continue: the first time you will be "probed", studying your strengths and weaknesses, at the same time taming and creating maximum emotional and domestic comfort: flowers, outings "in the light", breakfast in bed, enchanting sex , heart-to-heart talk, walking your dog, etc.
Regarding the transcendent frankness in the conversations: they are important for clarifying your secrets, which no one knows about, and also for determining the pain points of your psyche.
At the same time, they will tell you that his (her) dream is to find "the one" with which blah blah blah ... If you ask why she (he) has not been found so far, you will hear that "all around deception, everything is not what it seems, etc." or "I forgot how to (forgot how) to love, something is wrong with me, no one can help me" ...
This is the third answer to the question: "How to recognize the manipulator, and who in sheep's clothing entered your life?"
Classics of the genre
It will take a little time, and you can not imagine your life without him (her). And you will be completely sure that the other side feels the same. Most likely, you will begin to live together, however, it is likely that the initiative will come from you.
- In general, if you have not lost the remnants of consciousness, you will notice that you almost always take responsibility for important decisions. But by this time you will be so absorbed in these relationships that you will begin to drive away any doubts from yourself, finding a million excuses for this behavior of your boyfriend. For example, you will be seriously sure that he simply does not want to deprive you of freedom.
- Then you will notice that compliments to your address have diminished, and claims have increased. Your appearance will begin to be criticized, and with witnesses. This will significantly undermine your self-confidence, but increase his (her) share.
- You will catch yourself feeling afraid of losing such an irresistible treasure that you have been given. And your self-esteem will fall even lower: you will begin to follow the instructions of your "guru" regarding clothes, makeup, mutual acquaintances, the distribution of finances (even if you earn them yourself), relationships with family and friends.
Coup attempt
Since you were chosen as a manipulator for its resource potential, you will have attempts to "riot on the ship." You will want to return "everything as before", although in reality it will be a desire to find yourself the former (former). The paradox is that in order to return to yourself, you will need to remove the "extra element" that has appeared in your life. But you will persecute this idea from yourself, because you are "hooked on an adrenaline needle."
So, you want to "put emphasis in a relationship." There will be no "response word": they will simply ignore you, and then disappear from the horizon for five days as punishment. The phone will be silent.
- You will be indignant the first day, spend the second day in doubt about your innocence, spend the third day thinking about your wrongness, spend the fourth day waiting for the “gentleman” to beg forgiveness from him for your inappropriate behavior, spend the fifth day trying to please the returnee to the hero.
- But that's not all: you will be punished, because the manipulator never forgets anything. Therefore, they will begin to ignore you, and in a completely polite manner. By the way, this will also apply to sexual relations. Attempts to explain themselves will be punished in the manner described above.
- And one more thing: your resources, because of which exactly you were chosen as a victim, will be widely used. And if you become stubborn and refuse a request for money or other benefits, you will again have a cold shower procedure.
- And then your potential will be “nullified”, and your hero (or heroine) will begin the search for a new “cash cow”: you were just a stepping stone to something more. And you will be left with a ruined life, but "nothing personal - just business."
And this can be considered the fourth sign of how to recognize the manipulator.
Your transformation
So, after an enchanting prologue, you will come across a sad epilogue. Many victims of manipulators, both men and women, remained not only with a ruined life, a crippled psyche, but also with poor health. From the person who once entered into this relationship, a mole or shadow remains. It will take more than one year to collect the fragments of yourself. Nevertheless, many victims hope to "cure the manipulator." There is only one answer: "Impossible."
Now about women: it can be recognized as a manipulator by observing what “pain” points of the psyche she prefers to press. Guilt is most often exploited because centuries of experience have taught her to use her weakness as strength. Gradually, the man in such toxic relationships loses his will, and then the second act of drama sets in - the swinging of the pendulum of emotions.
This technique is used by both men and women pick-ups: a person cannot be sure of anything, promises are not kept, requests are ignored, and third parties are involved as competitors from either the “former” or the “new” manipulator, Attempts to clarify the relationship are psychological aggression, which returns the victim to guilt. And besides, a person has a strong belief that something is wrong with him.
We talked about personal relationships, where there is a danger of manipulation, but how to recognize a liar and a manipulator among partners, in particular, business ones? It is very simple: he will also first rub into confidence, then lose confidence, and then, having achieved that no important issue can be resolved without his participation, he will begin to redistribute property.
Protection system
Remember some tips:
- Do not enter into such a relationship at all.
- If you are already on the hook, use the mirroring technique.
- Obedience and ship rioting are ineffective, so don't waste your time.
- If he (she) gathered and left you without explanation, sing “Hallelujah”, change locks and lock your phone.
- You will need the support of loved ones after breaking up with the manipulator. A trip to the psychologist will not be superfluous.
- Work out your desire to wait for it and explain. Start life from scratch.
- Never give him (her) a new chance, even if he is strongly asked to return.