The only child in the family is the apple of the eye, which is cherished and cherished by parents. He is adored, he is the center of the universe for parents. But after a while, another child is born, and sometimes several. And then the only one becomes senior. In this case, it is not easy for him. How to avoid mistakes in education, psychologists suggest.
The role of the oldest child in the family
Sigmund Freud believed that the position of the eldest among brothers and sisters has a direct impact on the formation of his personality. After all, we all know how great is the impact on our psyche of childhood events. As a result, completely different, unlike each other children can grow up with common parents.
Young people with the birth of their first child only learn to be parents. Therefore, it is not surprising that the upbringing of the oldest child in their eyes may not be at all what it should be in the opinion of psychologists. They are just beginning to understand how to behave and what is required of them. Psychologists note that fatherly love often wakes up in men after the birth of a second child. Moreover, with the birth of the first-born, problems can begin in the relationship of the spouses.
Previously, there was an opinion (confirmed by Mechnikov and several other scientists) that the oldest child in the family has poor health and reduced intellectual development. However, modern studies have not revealed such deviations. On the contrary, statisticians say that among the studied 224 Nobel laureates of the 20th century, 46.9% were the first-born in families. For comparison, 18.8% of the laureates are the second most born children, 17.9% are the third, etc.
When the first-born is no longer the only child in the family, the mother expects understanding and help from him, automatically writing him to the list of adult family members. As they grow older and form personality, the older child really becomes more serious, collected and responsible. He feels obligated to take care of the younger ones, especially if the parents work a lot or one of them is sick and cannot take care of the family. This is what older children do in the family.
"You should..."
Parents constantly tell the eldest child that he should be inferior to the youngest, although in reality he owes nothing to anyone. They unconsciously feed a feeling of bitterness and resentment, which can remain with him for many years. An overwhelming sense of responsibility incredibly presses on fragile children's shoulders, not allowing to breathe freely. The psychology of the oldest child in the family is such that he will feel obliged to his family all his life.
Unjustified victims
The role of older children in the family is very large. Often they, especially boys, are forced to abandon their childhood and go to work because of the difficult financial situation of the family. In this case, education is constantly delayed.
Parents often demand too much from their elders. They must take care of their elders, study well and fully meet their parents' expectations. In the future, such parental behavior can cause psychological problems.
Moreover, the first-born feel responsible for the younger ones, therefore they sacrifice their own personal lives, waiting for their βwardβ to grow up. However, when the younger ones no longer need to be taken care of, the older older children begin to understand that they have missed something in this life. The time to establish relationships with the opposite sex has already been missed. Yes, and the usual way of life is broken. It makes them feel lost and alone.
Senior problems
What is statistics talking about? More than half of American presidents were the first-born in large families. They were numerous astronauts. It is frightening that Hitler was the eldest child in the family. However, his manic desire for world leadership is hardly connected only with his position in the family.
The psychological problems of the oldest child in the family arise only through the fault of the parents, who often make gross mistakes in education. After all, the first-born is initially the center of the universe for parents who devote all their time to it. The condoning style of behavior ultimately translates into the belief: "I am the navel of the Earth."
Envy and rivalry
A second child appears a little later, the first-born no longer feels important and necessary. And the phase of competition begins, to start, and sometimes hatred, especially if the difference between the children is small. Even though the parents are convincing: "We love you the same, but the youngest requires more care, because he is very small." He does not particularly believe the assurances of adults.
The eldest child doubts that he is loved the same way. Moreover, parents themselves can unconsciously give all their love to the younger, pushing the first child into the background. And it is very important for them to realize this, otherwise they risk losing the love of their child. If the oldest baby is still very small, he may demand that the youngest be handed over to the store, given to the stork or taken to the hospital.
So, the child, feeling that they are paying more attention, begins to intensely seek the love of his parents. He is trying hard to beat the youngest. At the same time, parents themselves often feed feelings of envy and rivalry. So, they put children as an example to each other, which does not add mutual affection to the kids.
The elder considers himself an outcast and abandoned. Hence all the problems of children's jealousy. The task of a wise and loving parent is to recognize the complex of these problems and look for ways that allow the older child to still feel loved and significant in the family. Next, we will consider the advice of psychologists on this subject.
The development of the oldest child in the family
On the one hand, the first-born is trying to study better, which can positively affect his future career. After all, parents expect more diligence and responsibility from him. And nobody canceled the rivalry factor. Therefore, the first-born approaches with great responsibility for learning, especially if the difference between the children is small. As a result, a child can achieve tremendous results in school or work. But at the same time, he risks being left offended by his parents somewhere deep inside.
Matured first-born, who have a big difference in age with younger children, are characterized by an increased degree of responsibility. It manifests itself in the desire to control everyone and everything. In addition, older children in the family are often more oriented towards family values, but they have problems with low perceptions of self-esteem.
The older are smarter than the younger
Scientists from the University of Amsterdam answered the question why the eldest child in the family is smart, while the younger ones are slightly inferior to him in intelligence. The study involved 659 children. Analyzing the results, the authors came to the conclusion that the mental abilities of children are directly proportional to how they were born in their family. It turned out that parents at an early stage of development pay more attention to the first-born, which in the future affects the level of their IQ. In addition, older children in the family are often involved in the education of younger children, which also favorably affects their development and knowledge.
What do parents say?
Parents admit that often with the birth of the first-born, they do not even notice how they begin to present increased demands to the elder. They want the first-born to study better and even help them around the house. However, this is fundamentally wrong. And itβs important for parents to understand this before they completely ruin their relationship with the older child.
In any case, the mutual love of children in the family and their psychological state are completely dependent on the parents. Let's turn to the opinion of psychologists. How to raise the youngest and oldest child in the family?
Overthrow from the pedestal
The child psychologist and concurrently the mother of eight children Ekaterina Burmistrova claims that a lot depends on how much time the child spends alone. If the difference is less than two or three years, then in this case there are practically no problems. However, when the first-born is the only number of years a certain number, this pays attention to its nature.
Firstly, Catherine advises parents not to allow themselves to pamper their child. This is very difficult, but remember that you are doing him and yourself a disservice. If the child does not grow up selfish, it will be much easier for him to accept the fact of the birth of another baby.
Do not burden senior responsibility
Many parents, considering the first-born are already adult and responsible, try to shift part of their responsibilities to him. On the one hand, the help of the baby can be perceived by him as a privilege, if he provides the mother with some kind of symbolic help. After all, every child wants to feel adult and independent.
However, if the parents' demands on the child are excessive, they simply exploit it. It is important for them to understand what kind of load is permissible for him. Catherine advises allowing the first-born to go about their business and ask him for help only in exceptional cases. It is preferable to ask for a favor from one of the adults or to cope on their own.
What load will be excessive for the child? There is literature that provides clear criteria for each age. However, it is better to pay attention to the behavior of the baby and his reaction to the tasks. For example, if you ask an older child under the age of 6-7 years to look after the baby so that he does not fall out of bed, the load on his child's psyche may be excessive.
How to avoid children's resentment?
Parents are most often to blame for her appearance, moreover, unconsciously. They forget that before the birth of their second child, they forgave the firstborn what they are now punishing. Why? After all, the child has not changed - he is all the same age. However, parental perception has changed. It seems to them that their first-born is already an adult, and they expect serious behavior from him. The child is quite rightly offended by this, since he believes that they began to love him less.
Follow the recommendations of psychologists:
- Allow the first-born to be a baby sometimes. Do you know what it feels like to be the oldest child in the family? If so, then you probably remember how offended the parents that they demanded too much. Remember that "senior" does not mean "adult."
- Try to ensure that the child does not perceive the word "senior" in a negative way. Do not shout: "You are already big! How could you throw toys around the house?" Automatically, he will associate adulthood with unpleasant emotions. Better praise for any work done, noting that he behaves like an adult.
- Try to pay more attention to the elder, often hug and kiss. This will eliminate the likelihood of childhood resentment.
Hierarchical structure
Many parents believe that children in the family should have equal rights. However, in fact, psychologists say, the family should have a hierarchical structure. The main thing is that she does not take ugly forms.
So, the senior must understand that he has not only rights, but also obligations. Age for a child is a certain rank. It is important to explain to him that his age imposes certain functions on him. And when a younger one grows to his age, he will also be endowed with these rights and obligations.
What to consider?
Older children in a large family are prone to anxiety. They are very afraid not to live up to parental expectations. It is difficult for them to relax and begin to enjoy life. They feel that they must constantly look after the younger ones and control them.
It is important for parents to explain to older children that they have the right to rest. Moreover, they also have the right to make mistakes. And they will never be condemned by their parents for them. The main need of such a child is the unconditional love of father and mother.
The youngest child in the family
Researchers argue that it is the younger ones who get all the care and love of parents, grandparents. However, the younger ones have their own "cockroaches." First of all, they constantly compare themselves with older children, considering them wiser and smarter. They are often confident that their parents value them much more.
Alas, parents often cannot objectively evaluate their behavior and punish in fairness. That is why the younger ones often try alcohol early and begin sex life. It is important for parents to track this moment and not miss it.
They should also teach him to make decisions on his own, because he grows up in an environment where there is always someone elder nearby who will help to figure it out, take care.
Conclusion
Parents very often make mistakes in raising their children without even realizing it. Of course, not everyone has a diploma in psychology, so this is not surprising. However, it is important for parents to consider that all their children need is unconditional love. In addition, it is important to divide sweets, things and gifts between them equally. Even if there is a big difference between your children, never separate them, considering that one adult does not need attention. Even adults care about the love and care of the family.