A lot has been written about how women are experiencing divorce. Almost every glossy magazine is ready to offer the ladies a list of tips thanks to which you can improve your life even after the most difficult parting with your loved one. And what do we know about how men feel after a divorce? How do they cope with their problems and depression? This article is intended for a strong half of humanity and will answer the question: "Who is he - a divorced man of our time?"
Why are they getting divorced?
Unfortunately, in modern society, divorces happen almost every day. Moreover, both very young families that have not been married even for three years, and well-established unions, where the couple spent together for more than twenty years, are collapsing. According to the statistics of divorce, the initiators of the breaks are most often women, but men do not seek to stop their soul mates and famously sign the documents of divorce. Why are they so easily prepared to let go of their past life and not even remember it? Psychologists say that everything is simple.
Most men believe that marriage is some restriction that prevents them from enjoying life. Scientists at the University of California conducted an interesting experiment by interviewing a hundred men who had been injected with truth serum. When asked about whom and why they envy, eighty-three participants pointed to their single colleagues. It seemed to them that a free and carefree life with a large number of sexual contacts is an ideal unattainable in the presence of a wife and children.
At a reception with a psychoanalyst, many husbands admit that the family does not allow them to develop. In the view of men, freedom looks like an alluring set of new victories and achievements. It seems that as soon as you get rid of family problems, life will present a lot of opportunities that will open up prospects for financial and career growth. But, despite these conclusions, most men do not feel in themselves the strength to break off relations with their wife. They start novels, suffer from disgusting duties, but in 85% of cases they will never file for divorce first. However, with pleasure they will support the initiative of the wife to divorce. Amazing right? But here is how a man’s life will change after a divorce, will be a complete surprise for him. And not always enjoyable.
The Psychology of Men After Divorce: A Behavior Model
For a long time, stereotypes about divorce have not been revised in our society, but recently the behavior of men who have experienced the loss of a family has been of great interest to psychologists. It is generally believed that a woman, without financial support and a strong male shoulder, falls into a prolonged depression and cannot return to a normal rhythm of life for a long time. What did they say about men? Of course, the fact that they get freedom from obligations, for which they have to pay a partial loss of property and money. Otherwise, a young man or an already held one can live as he pleases and even marry a new passion, which in some cases has been met for years. But the truth is not so rosy at all.
A survey conducted by British sociologists showed that 23% of men feel devastated, and only 37% feel relieved from worries, compared to 20 and 40% of the women surveyed, respectively. So, a divorced man after leaving the courtroom does not feel free and happy, but depressed and bewildered. But why almost no one notices this?
The fact is that it is not customary for representatives of the stronger sex to grieve over lost love, and the word "divorce" does not cause sympathy, but congratulations from colleagues and friends. Naturally, in this situation, a strong half of humanity seeks to disguise their true emotions for promiscuous sexual relations, noisy companies and senseless spending. Almost all ex-wives notice this. They say that their acquaintance, their ex-husband, is completely inappropriate. This can manifest itself in many ways. Some men, who lived quietly and calmly, suddenly start drinking and drinking from morning to evening. Careerists abandon all their affairs and go on a long trip, and once serious and responsible fathers forget about their children and spend all their money on expensive entertainment.
All this is just an attempt to prove to himself his need and demand, because, according to the scale of emotional stress, divorce is equated with the death of a person. And you can survive this difficult period only after going through all stages of grief.
Psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross: Five Stages of Sorrow
The famous psychologist Ross created her theory of grief, based on the emotions of terminally ill people. But, as it turned out, the psychology of men after a divorce is no different from the state of people who are seriously ill. In order to return to normal life, it is necessary to go through five rather difficult stages:
1. Denial
A young man cannot believe that divorce is a reality. He subconsciously denies all changes and does not want to enter a new stage of life.
2. Anger
Without this stage, it is difficult to return to a normal lifestyle and "let go" of the situation. Attacks of anger come suddenly, discontent spills over everyone around. In cases where a man lives alone after a divorce, he can simply throw away old things reminiscent of a past life.
3. Trading
This stage is the shortest and is expressed in the desire to return to the previous way of life. A man can look at his ex-wife with completely different eyes during the time since the divorce. And, to his own surprise, to inflame her with the same feelings, even if he himself was the initiator of the breakdown. He feels homesickness, tries to see his children as often as possible, and may even start to persuade his ex-spouse to resume marriage.
4. Depression
Unfortunately, this stage is sluggish and protracted in men. In some cases, it lasts up to five years. The California Institute recently published statistics on male suicides after a divorce, and it simply shocked psychologists. After all, men are twice as likely to commit suicide two to three years after breaking with their wife. This period is the most dangerous - the novelty of social status disappears, and fatigue and a feeling of loneliness, on the contrary, increase.
5. Acceptance
At the last stage of grief, a man subconsciously accepts a divorce as a fait accompli. Past life remains just a memory and does not cause negative emotions. After adoption, a person freely enters a new stage in his life path and can successfully build relationships with a suitable partner.
Prolonged post-divorce depression in men
Divorce is not only a formal breakup. In almost all cases, this is the loss of energy support and communication that has developed among spouses. It is this connection that is the basis of marriage; it does not break after leaving the court and signing documents. Each of the spouses must adapt to the changed situation, but men cope with this much worse than women.
The psychology of men after a divorce has a great interest in the life of the ex-wife. This is very easy to explain: the energy connection has not yet been broken, and the spouse cannot tune in to life outside of her. Surprisingly, even the appearance of a new boyfriend in a woman cannot stop the former from visiting and talking about her past life. Often, women who start relationships with newly divorced men do not notice that they are depressed, and they are gnawed by jealousy towards ex-spouses. But in reality, a man simply cannot establish life in the absence of the usual process of obtaining energy and exchanging it.
Causes of Male Depression
After a divorce, most members of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they fall into a kind of vacuum, when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the background of close monitoring of the life of the ex-wife, in whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:
- disappointment in freedom and new women;
- psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
- obvious disadvantages of a single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
- guilty feelings for a broken relationship.
In some cases, divorced men have a combination of all of the above factors.
Manifestations of depression of men after a divorce
Women, left alone, try to actively pour out their emotions, which allows them to quickly recover. Men, however, do not have the right to lose their status as a strong and confident male, so they carefully hide their grief and are gradually removed from life. They become isolated and in many cases behave completely atypical. Most often, depressive syndrome is expressed as follows:
- distraction, lack of attention and loss of ability to make decisions;
- addiction to alcohol, drugs and other ways to forget;
- aggression and sudden attacks of anger, which can be expressed in self-digging;
- complete loss of interest in all areas of life;
- chronic fatigue, frequent headaches;
- decreased potency.
Most often, depression occurs in men a few months after a divorce. During this period, the energy that fed the spouses at one time runs out, and the novelty of a free life ceases to please. In addition, it is difficult for men to see half-tones during a depression, they completely lose their ability to enjoy life.
Treating Male Depression
What should a man do after a divorce in order not to fall into a protracted depression and return to normal life faster? Psychologists unanimously say that you should not hide your emotions from others. A man has the right to grief, suffering and disappointment. He should not, while experiencing mental pain, wear a mask of indifference. This behavior is a direct path to depression.
In this case, do not hesitate, but you should immediately contact a therapist. Modern medicine offers various methods of drug-free treatment of depressive syndrome in men, which give fairly good results in 80% of cases.
In search of the second half
A divorced man looks for a woman literally as soon as he leaves the courthouse with a stamp in his passport. And this is not a myth, but a reality that almost everyone faces. The fact is that, being married, the representative of a strong half of humanity fantasizes about numerous sexual partners and non-binding relationships. All these men begin to embody with great enthusiasm, but soon a similar lifestyle becomes boring.
In reality, in order to lead the desired lifestyle, it takes a lot of effort, but the result does not always exceed expectations. Psychologists say that spouses get excited from each other quite quickly even without preliminary caresses, and physical discharge occurs after five to eight minutes. But with a new partner a man is not always as good - his body does not have a mood for another woman, sexual hunting is expensive physically and emotionally. In addition, apart from bodily communication, nothing else arises between partners, and this eventually begins to weigh on the sons of Adam.
A man is looking for a woman who could satisfy all his needs, and receives only a short-term affair. Often divorced men have a different type of women who simply dream of marriage. These ladies are not at all familiar with a term such as "psychology of men." After the divorce, a rare free man will be ready to get married within three years, therefore conflicts arise in new couples.
We can say that a man after a divorce falls into a kind of trap - he gets freedom, but does not feel like using it after several disappointments.
Psychotypes of men
When considering the problem of divorces, one should not forget that every man experiences the loss of his family based on his psychological type. This factor has a serious impact on the perception of the situation and its overcoming. Psychologists divided the psychotypes of men into four groups:
1. The hunter
This man is always ready to achieve everything he wants. He is charming, beautiful and confident. The hunter is not ready to give in to his partner in anything, and he perceives divorce as a struggle for leadership. He tries as quickly as possible to find a new partner and brag about her in front of his ex-wife.
2. Deer
This man is very gentle in nature, he can’t fend for himself and has a big kind heart. After the divorce, the male Deer becomes depressed, worries for a long time and finds it difficult to find a new partner.
3. Parent
This type of man is ready to take care of a woman and give her true love. Relations are always based on trust and mutual understanding, therefore, in the event of a divorce, the male Parent is sincerely worried. He tries to fill the void in the soul with numerous deeds, but never rushes into a new relationship with his head.
4. The child
The man of this psychotype is absolutely not adapted to life alone. He is vulnerable, often talented and kind, but does not know how to make decisions and take care of someone. In the event of a divorce, he is capable of blackmail, persuasion and hysteria. Such men find it difficult to get out of depression and often attempt to commit suicide.
Conclusion
Divorce is a difficult stage in the life of any person. And do not divide divorced people into men and women, because the pain of losing a family responds equally strongly in both hearts. Here are just showing her men a little differently.