In our life there are some things that a person simply needs to know from a very early age. However, nobody teaches us them. At school, we get acquainted with the laws of the universe, history and other interesting things. But at the same time, no one thinks to teach us how to survive in society, while maintaining their integrity and identity. Probably, it is believed that such lessons should be taught to the person by the parents. However, sometimes they themselves also do not know how. The result of such illiteracy is the life that we go literally to the touch, constantly encountering people who use us for their own purposes.
The book “Emotional blackmail” written by Susan Forward will allow us to resolve the situation somewhat. The author is a well-known American psychologist who has created many world best-sellers. The popularity of her works can be explained by the fact that they are a kind of benefits for restoring healthy relationships between people.
The author of Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward, conducts his own talk show on the radio, while having great psychotherapeutic practice. She has many grateful clients and readers. And this is confirmed by the kind words that these people leave on the pages of Susan Forward on a professional site and on social networks.
About the book
What is the story of “Emotional blackmail” by Susan Forward? The author of the book describes typical life situations when we hear reproaches from close people, and often undeserved ones. After all, it often happens that a person does everything for the sake of well-being in the family, and the household, using this, force them to fulfill their whims.
In his book “Emotional blackmail,” Susan Forumard notes that the words of friends and family can hurt much more even the most caustic remarks of strangers. What has been said by loved ones puts pressure on a sense of duty, increases fears and gives rise to feelings of guilt. This gradually turns a person into pliable clay for manipulation.
How to change the existing relationship? The answer to this question can also be found in the book "Emotional blackmail" by Susan Forward. An understanding of what is the main driving force for a blackmailer is capable of correcting the situation. You will need to pay attention to your behavior. Indeed, the victim is often to blame equally with the blackmailer, as he plays along with him.
When reading Susan Forward's book, Emotional Blackmail, everyone feels as if they were receiving a therapist. At the same time, he receives answers to questions that concern him regarding the manipulation of his close people, and also learns to properly respond to such a situation and do everything so as not to harm friendly and family relations.
Susan Forward created a real manual on psychology, in which, with her inherent insight, she analyzed the nature of this phenomenon. But that is not all. She offered her reader a step-by-step technique that would allow her to get out of the vicious circle, directing relations in a healthy direction.
The book "Emotional blackmail" is easy to read and can captivate any person. In it, the author describes:
- four types of blackmailers;
- seventeen levers of pressure with the help of which the blackmail victim is affected;
- one hundred and twelve examples of different life situations;
- one proven method of restoring normal relations.
What is emotional blackmail?
"I will die if you pack up and leave!", "What an egoist you are!" These and similar phrases are familiar to most people. Such formulations are a powerful way of manipulation, which is called emotional blackmail.
Hearing this concept, any layman is likely to be wary. Indeed, when pronouncing the word "blackmail" in the mind, a picture of terrible crimes and extortion immediately arises. Of course, applying such a term to the actions of a husband, parents, relatives or children is rather difficult. However, Susan Forward is convinced that this word most accurately describes what is happening.
Sometimes the method of manipulation is called a misunderstanding. Nevertheless, the source of disagreement, according to the American psychologist, lies in the actions of a person who seeks to achieve his own goal and do it at the expense of someone else. It is difficult to call such a misunderstanding. After all, this is a real fight.
By emotional blackmail, the best-selling author understands a powerful form of manipulation in which loved ones indirectly or directly threaten their loved ones with troubles if he does not do what they need.
Manipulator Actions
A person who is constantly confronted with a situation where people close to him regularly make various concessions, and against their will, he comes to their conclusion, it is quite possible that he is a victim of emotional blackmail. At the same time, psychologist Susan Forward warns that the requirements can be endless. Emotional blackmailers are not satisfied for long. Man is inferior to him. He concentrates on the needs of the blackmailer, while forgetting about himself. Such an act creates a certain illusion of security, which takes place for a while. At the same time, the victim believes that she saved the world by avoiding conflict. However, in reality, what a person considered a temporary disagreement or misunderstanding, for a blackmailer serves as a way to enable him to achieve his goal.
Susan Forward divides these manipulators into four types. To each of them she assigned people with a corresponding model of behavior. Consider their description in more detail.
"Punishers"
Emotional blackmailers of this type openly present their demands, explaining at the same time the punishment that awaits a person if they are not fulfilled. In the behavior of "punishers" open aggression is most often manifested. But sometimes such people achieve their silence. This behavior is passive-aggressive. The main feature of manipulators is that their threats and anger are directed directly at a person close to them. So, for example, a wife can tell her husband that if he divorces her, then he will not be able to see children anymore.
In addition, the punishers threaten to make the life of the victim unbearable, being in full readiness to fulfill their punishment. In his book "Emotional blackmail," Forumard notes that parents can often be attributed to this type of manipulator. After all, they have tremendous power over their children, even if they have long been matured. Often such “punitive” parents seek to confirm the effectiveness of their control. They force their adult children to choose between their chosen ones and them.
Sometimes the victim can submit to such pressure by starting the search for a new partner who would suit his parents. But everything turns out to be futile, since in any person a “punisher” will surely find a flaw. Why does a person become a victim? Susan Forward explains this phenomenon by the fact that it occurs because of close and close relationships, when blackmailers are infinitely trusted, despite the arguments and doubts of the mind.
"Self-sacrificers"
This type of people is blackmailing with threats that will harm themselves if they do not achieve what they want. "Self-sacrificers" are surrounded by an atmosphere of drama, in anticipation of the crisis and hysteria. They are trying with all their might to be present in the life of others, but they simply are not able to take responsibility for their fate. The appeal of such people to blackmail is always justified from their point of view. At the same time, they shift the blame for any difficulty to their victim. According to Susan Forward, this type of manipulator has a real talent for making someone fully responsible for everything that happened to them.
Martyrs
These manipulators make their victim guess what they want, arguing that only this person can give them this. According to the martyr, a relative or friend should be able to read his thoughts. If this does not happen, then he claims that this is evidence of inattention to his personality.
"Martyrs" are silent tyrants. They will not scream and arrange scenes, but at the same time they will cause pain, bewilderment and cause hostility.
"Tempters"
This type of people in his book "Emotional blackmail" by Susan Forward describes as the most insidious manipulators. They promise their victim something miraculous if she yields to them. It can be love or money, promotion and the like. The reward at the same time seems rather seductive to a person, but he still can not finally come close to it.
A similar division into types by a famous psychologist was made conditionally. Indeed, in real life there are no clear distinctions in the behavior of manipulators. All of them use different methods and combinations of blackmail, depending on the goal.
Despite an unpleasant description of the behavior of manipulators, Susan Forward emphasizes that most often such people can not be called monsters. After all, the manipulations they conduct are due to their inner vision of life.
The psychology of a blackmailer
In the first half of his book, S. Forward, using concrete examples, shows the reader how emotional manipulation works and why some people are especially vulnerable to it. In addition, the author explains in detail the very principle of the operation of such blackmail and tells what each of the parties wants, and what they get as a result.
S. Forward examines the psychology of the manipulator, pointing out that, despite the division into types, all blackmailers have common character traits that can fuel their behavior. A well-known psychologist explains that these people use the victim's fear, her guilt and duty, as well as some other tools. All this allows us to understand what drives emotional blackmailers.
Susan Forward clarifies to her reader that a common feature of such people is the fear of being rejected, losing power, or losing something. The reason for this may be a prolonged sense of anxiety and inadequacy. Any negative events in his life, such as retirement, job loss, divorce or breakup with a loved one, can turn a person into a blackmailer. For such people, the manipulation of loved ones becomes a means to control the situation, which allows them to feel confident enough and no longer experience uncertainty and fear.
The role of the victim
In his book, Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward argues that a blackmailer would not have become such without the help of the one to whom his manipulations are directed. In other words, two are involved in such an action. What is the role of the object of blackmail?
Each person brings in a relationship a piece of his personal. It can be hostility and fears, insecurity, regrets and resentment. They are his vulnerable points, the touch of which certainly causes pain. Emotional blackmail will be effective only if others find out where the person’s weak spot is. How to prevent a similar situation? To do this, you need to become brave and understand yourself. This will make it possible to change relations with those who are potential blackmailers.
Forward Susan's book, Emotional Blackmail, explicitly states that you must not give in to someone who manipulates you. After all, this only complicates the situation. Submission to the requirements put forward by the blackmailer encourages him. By our concessions, consciously or not, we make it clear to the manipulator that all his actions can be committed in the future.
The price the victim pays
The speed of spread of emotional blackmail is similar to a forest fire. The tenacious tentacles of manipulation can reach any area of our lives. Moreover, making concessions at work, a person may encounter similar at home. Here the blackmailers will be their own children. And bad relationships with parents result in the form of negative emotions on the spouse. Thus, according to S. Forward, emotional blackmail cannot be “packed in a box”, which could then be removed somewhere further away.
People playing the role of the victim sometimes copy the stereotype of behavior that makes them suffer. Thus, they themselves gradually turn into blackmailers, starting to pour out their disappointment and feeling of dissatisfaction on the one who is weaker and more vulnerable than he.
Transition to normal relationships
What will be required to stop emotional blackmail? The authors of many manuals on psychology sought to give their answer to this question. Susan Forward argues that the transition to a healthy relationship between people is, first of all, in the changes. The victim must begin to act on her own, and for this she will have to take a step in a new direction.
In the second part of the book “Emotional blackmail”, the author offers the reader many options to choose the most acceptable solution. All this will allow us not to succumb to manipulation even if there is a fear of consequences in the soul. Tips from a famous psychologist will allow a person not to lose their temper and stop feeling guilty.
Here, in the second part of the book, the author proposed a questionnaire, explained simple exercises, and presented scenarios for their application in practice and specific strategic defense methods.
One of the most important results that a reader can get after reading this book is to reduce and control the guilt instilled by the blackmailer.