Adaptation of a child in a foster family: periods, possible difficulties, memo to parents

Parenting is a complex process that takes a lot of strength and energy. But there are babies in the world who are left without moms and dads, and who really need a new family. Someone does not want to think about taking someone else's crumbs in their closest circle. Others, on the contrary, go to the guardianship authorities, inspired by a picture of happiness painted in their heads: he, a kid saved from orphanage, tender relationships and infinite gratitude of the latter ... Needless to say, that often the picture collapses in the near future.

Briefly about the main thing

The first months, and sometimes a year and a half, of living in a foster home are extremely difficult. Moreover, it is difficult for both parents and the child. At least you yourself started this process, you dreamed of helping the baby and giving your love. No one asked him, but nevertheless certain requirements are already being made to him.

Adaptation of a child in a foster family is about the same as every mother goes through after the birth of a baby. Only if the baby comes to you at the age of one and a half years, you will have to survive at an accelerated pace all the "charms" of the period from birth to one and a half years in just a couple of months. Of course it's hard. Today we’ll talk about what needs to be done to facilitate the adaptation of a child in a foster family, how to behave in order to become truly family.

Foster child - baby

Most parents want to take a small, best newborn. Many believe that in this case the trauma from separation from the mother with the baby will be minimal and will not affect development. In fact, everything is very complicated here. Psychologists are sure that the first hours after birth already leave an imprint on life. Mom’s smile, eye contact, the warmth of her skin, breast milk - refuseniks are deprived of these critical moments that give a basic sense of security. So, be prepared for whims and some lag in development.

Taking a child from birth to a year in the family is about the same as surviving a birth. Now everything will change. Colic and first teeth, sleepless nights, worries about the baby holding her head uncertainly. Adaptation of a child in a foster family proceeds through daily chores. Caring for the baby, hugging and kissing him, you give him the opportunity to recover from what he experienced when he was alone.

What to think about

As in the case of the birth of a child, big changes will occur in the family. Mom will take care of a new family member, dad needs to work harder. If in the case of the appearance of a bloody baby, parents have 9 months to undergo psychological training, then everything happens at once.

In just a few weeks, dad may begin to show dissatisfaction with the fact that a busy mother does not pay attention to him. In turn, she, jerked by a crying baby, will be offended by the whole world. In addition, a small child is always a cat in a poke. And this also applies to native children. What if serious pathologies are discovered after getting into the family? You can survive this situation, because your children may be disabled.

Fortunately, it happens differently. Parents are preparing for serious treatment, but most of the diagnoses on the card are the result of prolonged stress. As you get used to the family, the baby begins to develop normally, and soon most of them are removed. Adaptation will work best if you do not compare your child with others. The only thing to do is to emphasize his achievements. That is, to compare it today and yesterday. Then the adaptation of the child in the foster family will be successful.

From one to three

Very often, at this age, the baby finds a new family. And the closer to the crisis mark of 3 years, the more difficult the addiction goes. Adaptation of orphans in a foster family is a complex problem. Here it is necessary to consider not only the parents themselves, but also their immediate environment. It is good if the adults have weighed the pros and cons, made a decision and are determined to go all the way. But here other people come into the game who do not always react to the appearance of a new family member positively. Especially when a three-year-old baby begins to vigorously pour out his emotions (and a lot of negativity was accumulated) in the form of tantrums, screams, protests. And all this against the background of the fact that such babies sometimes lag behind for a year or more. That is, there will be problems with the pot and self-service.

What do adoptive parents have to listen to? “Why this cross?”, “Why did they take the patient?”, “He will ruin your life”, “What do you know about his genes?”, “He behaves like this now, and what will happen in a few years?” etc. Mom and Dad are themselves bewildered and puzzled, they are afraid that they made a mistake, and the first reaction is to flee. And where to? Back to the orphanage, as soon as possible to hand over the baby and continue normal life? It is terrible to imagine what will happen to the twice thrown crumbs in the soul.

How to help yourself and your child

Stop. Of course, this is not an easy period, but it needs to be experienced. Usually the whole load goes to mom, because dad must earn. Step back from the rest, now there is only you and the child. This is not forever. During this period, parents are usually most afraid of mental illness, because all physical abnormalities are usually detected. But autism or schizophrenia can still manifest itself.

Adaptation of orphans in a foster family should be based on accepting them for who they are. And blood babies have serious illnesses with which families live and fight to the best of their ability. Ask yourself, are you ready for the fact that this baby will not become a child prodigy and will not grab a star from the sky? For too long he had been engaged in banal survival, he was not interested in studying numbers or developing fine motor skills. Of course, to a certain extent you will catch up, but only to an average level, no more. If you dream of stellar successes and victories at the Olympics, you need to think about whether to take the baby from the orphanage.

Understand and accept

There are a lot of problems with the adaptation of foster children in the family. But the hardest thing is the former orphan. It was as if he fell into space, around everything new and completely unknown. Alien people and things, it is not clear how to react to both. Therefore, try not to scold him. Smile, welcome in the morning with joy, come at the moment of awakening to his bed. Show that the world is beautiful. You do not need to invite many relatives or friends home now, only two or three of you will be enough.

The big mistake is to try to record the baby right away for all developmental activities. Do not do this. All that he can learn, you will give him at home. Silence, peace, personal space - this is exactly what is now needed. Give your child finger paints or mother's beads, put a cup with cereal and a bowl. Pour water into a basin and put two cups in it. Let it overflow, pour, iterate.

Of course, the social adaptation of a child in a foster family is necessary and important. But one should not rush into this matter. Better walk, chat, get to know each other on the site, but at the same time show that the baby is in first place with you. After a few months, you can slowly start going to visit.

take care of yourself

Once again, back to the issue of burnout of parents. A simple adaptation moment is not a priori. The problems of adoptive children in the family are their lack of positive experience of emotional communication with adults, as well as the lack of knowledge among parents. These kids are special, they need to be approached with great patience.

But this does not mean that you must now put an end to yourself. No need to live solely in the interests of yesterday's orphan. So you will accumulate anger and discontent, which will turn against him. Resources are needed primarily for parents, they now hold on to all the fragile family happiness. Therefore, teach your child to follow the established rules. If you get up not at 7, but at 9, then there is nothing to worry about. Give your child a book so that he can read it in the morning before you wake up. Explain that there is a time when it should not bother you.

But breaking the habits of the child is not worth it. Many babies from the orphanage swing before bedtime. So they used to reassure themselves. After all, no one used to put them to bed. This is a psychological defense that helped him survive. One, in a vast world. Gradually, the habit will go away, just strok, kiss and hug the baby more often, especially before bedtime.

And most importantly, you must definitely keep in touch with those who, like you, raise a foster child. Communication with parents, with psychologists, specialists in the field of defectology, who will be recommended to you by the guardianship authorities - all these are the resources without which it is simply impossible to survive. The problems of raising a child in foster families often boil down to the fact that parents are not ready and do not know what to do with a particular problem. Having understood that he is not alone and that the situation is being solved, any person will perk up and go to the end.

Adaptation of preschoolers

Usually adopt children up to 7-8 years. That is, in this category you can include younger students. More adults find the family extremely rare. Usually they are released into adulthood from the walls of an orphanage. If you take a preschooler, do not rush to immediately buy him a bunch of books and pester with tasks in Russian and mathematics. In the first place is the social adaptation of the child in a foster family. He must learn all the rules and regulations, get used to and play enough.

The last point is very important, since psychologists have repeatedly emphasized the importance of the game in the development of the child. Until he gets from simple actions with objects to complex plot and role-playing processes, he will not be able to go to school. Therefore, read, sculpt, draw, create. Yes, there will be a lot of broken, crumpled, painted, but it's worth it.

As for the definition of a child in school, this is also a very difficult question. As a rule, problems with the adaptation of foster children in the family are further complicated by the fact that most of these children already have two- or even three-year developmental delays. Immediately imagine the slanting glances of the parents of other children from the class and the dissatisfaction of the teachers. Therefore, it makes sense to wait a bit. During the year, you can pull yourself tight, and the first grader will be easier. Be sure to talk with the teacher, he must be in the know in order to properly respond and adjust the process.

Things to remember

If the period of adaptation of the child to the foster family coincides with the beginning of the educational activity, then you need to be even more careful. Do not push the child too much. If you demand the impossible from him, you will soon encounter various diseases. After all, grades in elementary school are not that important.

Try to work out in different circles. For any kid, you can find something interesting. Even the most difficult child is surely not interested in football, so beadwork, music or painting. The wider the coverage, the easier it is to find exactly the area in which he will feel better. Raising a child in a foster family must necessarily be based on a search for his strengths. If you focus on the fact that he does not succeed, problems will only increase. In children, self-esteem suffers, and on the background of which numerous psychological defenses are built. Each parent should develop a number of rules for themselves, which are very important to adhere to daily:

• Something does not work? Try not to cheat yourself. Communicate with other adoptive parents. Many of them are experiencing the same difficulties today. There are opportunities for this. Forums, webinars, social networks.
• It also happens that mom gets tired or even “burns out”. At such moments, you need to remember why you took him to the family. Try to get back to motives. The kid is simply not able to break your life. And temporary difficulties tend to end. Adopting a child in a foster family is an important and crucial step, and you need to be prepared in advance for the difficulties that arise. This is not because orphans are bad, because there are many problems with hard-earned orphans.

Adopt a teenager's family

Most of all, parents are afraid of this particular age. Injured teenagers are really complex, scruffy and prickly. But you can agree with them. After all, in fact, this is only a protective reaction to life circumstances, in which he is not at all to blame. But everything is not so scary, since escort of children in foster families is always practiced by specialists - psychologists, with whom you can discuss and solve all the problems that arise.

What is the main catch? A teenager is not yet an adult, but not a child. Hormones are raging, the world is turning upside down, and then there are newly minted mom and dad, who stick with the rules and regulations. Of course, he is able to answer rudely or indelicately, which is not always adequately assessed by parents. This needs to be learned to accept and correct as far as possible.

A teenager, getting into a new environment, goes through all the stages that have not been completed before. The periods of adaptation of the child in the foster family usually occur in parallel to these processes. If in the past he did not play enough with dolls and cars, then he will do it with enthusiasm now. No need to interfere or be ashamed, as soon as the child completes the game process for himself, he will be able to move on. Sometimes a growing child may ask mom to feed him from a spoon. And this is also normal. An attachment mechanism is being formed.

About the problems of foster children in the family can talk endlessly. It often happens that parents get tired of the adaptation process and begin to experience disappointment. Quite often, correctional teachers come with complaints about their child: “We took her, and she is so stupid / stupid / untidy.” That is, the teenager did not live up to the expectations placed on him, of which, of course, he was solely to blame. Even if the girl is really stupid, the world is full of such people, and many live beautifully. You wanted to help her, so help. A number of recommendations can be drawn from this.

Adaptation of a foster child in the family: set of rules

There are not many of them, but they are all very important:

• First and foremost, do not expect a miracle. Before you is an injured child with a huge wound in the shower. He does not have to be obedient, smart, any other. Take it like that, though it's not easy.
• Perform your duties. Feed and dress, talk, support and praise.
• Forget about insults, humiliations and, if possible, punishments. An acceptable option is to refuse entertainment. For example, a movie trip was planned for the weekend. But the naughty teenager loses this privilege. It is pedagogical, but not offensive.
• Write all the rules of conduct in your family on a large poster. Observe them yourself and demand the same from a teenager.
• Do not let anyone talk bad about the child. This applies to loved ones, relatives and friends. The circle of communication is often narrowed, but such is a necessary measure. Expand it with families like yours. They will certainly understand and support.

As you can see, the adoption of a child in a foster family is a difficult test, which not everyone can do. Therefore, so many stages of preparation are organized by the guardianship during the registration of the adoption, so that the future mother and father think about it. Yes, giving an orphan a new family, love and care is beautiful and noble, but you will have to adjust a lot in your life, sacrifice something.

The main problems of parents

Only at first glance the upkeep of children in a foster family is no different from the education of their own children. Of course, no one emphasizes the difference, but to deny it is useless.

• If a child is born in the family, then it is easier for parents to take responsibility for his fate. In a situation of adoption, a feeling of uncertainty and fear is typical. Parents are afraid that they will do something wrong, that they will not be able to return the child back if they do not cope with the upbringing. Often there is a fear of condemnation. Moreover, both for taking someone else's child into the family, and for the upbringing style, successes / demerits of the adopted child.
• There is an increased responsibility of mom and dad for former orphans. This is understandable: guardianship authorities periodically request all kinds of information and monitor care. This can even be seen in the treatment example. With mild acute respiratory infections, foster children are most often called a doctor, while their own in the same case are treated at home on their own.
• Inconsistency of the adoptive child with the ideas of the parents.

As you can see, adult attitudes generally play a key role. They themselves are the initiators of adoption, but often they are tormented by fears that prevent them from adequately assessing the situation. Therefore, working with a psychologist is very important.

Relations between foster and adoptive children

This is another question that cannot be discounted if we talk about the stages of the process of adaptation of an adopted child in the family. We note the difficulties of the situation of native siblings. They lose some of the love and attention of mom and dad. Therefore, it is very important that the decision is made jointly by all family members. Experience shows two opposite types of building relationships:

• Adults comparing their and foster children. Moreover, the stranger in this pair always loses, he is worse. This provokes his bad deeds, which are committed out of fear of rejection. Parents are alarmed, followed by threats, which further aggravates the situation.
• All children have equal living conditions, as well as their attitude to them.

When diagnosing the adaptation of children in a foster family, the specialist will always talk with each of its members. This is a difficult stage, and difficulties are inevitable. But if the process is successful, both children and parents begin to feel like one big family, worry and worry about each other. This is evident by reasoning, by children's drawings. Then we can talk about the imminent end of addiction. Now we will analyze this mechanism in more detail, consider the stages of adaptation of the adopted child in the family.

Addiction process

It cannot be called otherwise. This is a two-way process in which all family members are involved. And for each, it goes differently. Of course, a lot will depend on the age of the child and the characteristics of his character. An important role is played by the previous experience that has taken place. How long has he lived in a child’s house? Did this last his whole conscious life, or does he still remember the old family? Someone will be in high spirits. Another gets scared and closes. But every day his condition (as well as his parents) will change. This is an indicator of how things are going. Psychologists identify the general stages of adaptation of the adopted child in the family, then briefly consider each of them.

"Acquaintance"

Often this stage is perceived as the first and last. But this is too optimistic. “Acquaintance” or “honeymoon” is the most enjoyable stage of the long and difficult adaptation. There is a leading affection. The child has long wanted to find his parents and feel caring that often he immediately begins to call them mom and dad. This does not mean that he already loved them, he only wants it. Now he likes the changes in life, he gladly fulfills all requests.

Often, similar feelings arise in parents. Although they warm the baby, give all the love. And of course, they are waiting in response to smile, obedience. But several days pass and the child’s mood begins to change. He experiences joy and anxiety at the same time. Because of this, he fusses, grabs everything, drops it. And the parents are experiencing the first discontent. They want the adaptation process to go smoothly, and are upset that the child was not what they imagined him to be. In fact, this is only the beginning of a joint path. Let's look further at the stages of adaptation of the child in a foster family.

"Return to the past"

The first stage takes from one month to six months. Positive impressions, euphoria, dating and walks, new treats and gifts, pleasure from communication. But now the first emotions subsided, a certain order was established and the long, complex and very painstaking process of grinding in begins. Right now, the child understands the difference between the image of the family that he had developed in the orphanage and these specific people. Most often, the performance of the baby was associated with the holiday, walks and games, smiles and joy. But in everyday life, parents can not always find time for this.

The charm disappears. Now the child does not want to follow the rules implicitly. He tries to behave as usual, and watches the reaction. There is a breakdown of the stereotype of behavior, often painful. Children can become large necks or, conversely, walk very untidy. They may be preoccupied with their health, constantly complaining about various symptoms. Unexplained attacks of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety, signs of depression occur.

Sometimes it is at this stage that the child regresses to a level that is below its development. Some are naughty, others are hostile, others are not letting their mother go a step. Enuresis may return. It is important to observe the rules for adapting a child in a foster family during this period as never before. Even if it’s very difficult, you need to adhere to the rules of behavior adopted and recorded on the poster, observe the daily routine, and maintain clear boundaries.

How to evaluate the successful completion of the stage

This is evidenced by a change in appearance. The expression and complexion changes, the look becomes meaningful. A smile and laughter appear. The child is animated, carried away by various things, enjoys the results. This is a great sign, you are on the right track. It is often noted that even hair at this moment does not become dull, but shiny. Allergic reactions disappear, enuresis stops.

"Addictive"

Outbreaks of aggression now happen less and less. And if they happen, then usually both sides already know what to do. The work done with the psychologist and the developed memo helps in this. Adaptation of a child in a foster family can be considered complete when the prevailing tension disappears. The boys begin to joke and discuss their problems with their parents. They get used to the rules of behavior and behave naturally. Now a child can talk about his past life without tension. Children outwardly are completely different. They seem to bloom, become open and emotional. The development of children in foster care is much more successful than it could be in an orphanage.

If the parents could not find the key to the child’s heart, then all the problematic features of his personality are exacerbated. This is aggressiveness, isolation, retardation, revenge or demonstrative helplessness. Usually, one and a half years are allotted for adaptation. A family that has lasted this time can exist for as long as you like.

Memo to parents

Keep these simple guidelines in mind:

• The child had a hard regime. Try not to radically change it yet. In any case, do it smoothly.
• Find out food preferences and do not insist if he refuses healthy foods. Soon the baby will eat everything you cook.
• Do not dump mountains of toys - it can scare. Buy one at a time and take time to enjoy this moment.
• Do not overload with emotional impressions.
• Eliminate harsh sounds and smells.
• Get to know your pets gradually.
• No need to feed your baby with treats.
• Do not rush to load it in circles and sections. It is better to postpone this until the end of the adaptation period.
• Try to be together as often as possible, talk, hold his hand, hug, stroke, kiss and look in the eye.

The adaptation process is quite complicated, but if you are determined to give your child a childhood, you will go this way to the end.