Divorce is the worst word for a family. And especially when there are children in it, and it is not particularly important what age they are. Do not think that it only hurts spouses, because the child experiences stronger emotions. Therefore, it is extremely important to prepare in advance for such an important conversation with your child.
You need to know how to tell children about divorce. You can use the advice of a psychologist, read the necessary literature. The conversation about divorce is remembered by the child for life, therefore it is important that the process of family breakdown does not leave a heavy imprint on the child's psyche.
Preparing the soil for conversation
A family through the eyes of a child is a single whole, and it will be extremely difficult to imagine it differently for a baby or teenager. Unfortunately, a method for a painless divorce has not yet been invented. But you can āsmooth the cornersā and less injure the children's psyche. To do this, you need to know some important rules about how to tell your child about divorce. We will consider them now.
When the issue of divorce is 100% resolved, you need to prepare the way for communication. Do not put off a difficult conversation in a long box. It will be much worse if the child is informed by someone else, not the parents. And even worse, the teenager himself will guess, start blaming himself and shut up. And then the conversation may simply be inconclusive.
You must definitely choose a completely free day for communication. And do it not the day before the divorce, but at least two weeks in advance. The child will definitely have questions, he may burst into tears, try to return everything back. May begin to blame himself and promise to improve. It is necessary to let the baby (teenager) get used to this news. At this time, the family should not be cursing and clarifying relationships. Between themselves, parents should understand in private.
Joint conversation
Adults should know how to start a conversation with a child. The conversation should be conducted by both parents. If mom and dad talk together, it will be easier for the baby to learn the information. He will still consider himself in the circle of a full-fledged family and safe. So information is absorbed much better. During the conversation, and even then, it is not necessary for children to show their emotions to each other. It is necessary to behave with restraint, without unnecessary anger. In a conversation, submit information as a joint solution. It must be remembered that this is a conversation for the child, not a clarification of grievances and relationships. As a result of the conversation, he must understand one thing: he is loved and not to blame for the separation of his parents. That everything will remain the same. Mom must know how to explain to the child that dad does not live with us, and that now he lives separately. I must say that it just happened, so dad needs to move.
Children with a difference in age of several years
If the family has more than one child, and the difference between them is large, what should I do? How to tell children about divorce in this case? A conversation is best done with each individually. Since the child is more mature, he understands everything better and can react more impulsively. With younger children, the conversation will be much easier. It is possible that the conversation will be repeated as they grow older. In no case do not blame anyone for a divorce. Children should see that their parents have a good relationship.
A simple form of communication and an explanation of what happened
The conversation should take place in a simple manner and be understandable to the child. Whether the baby should know the reason for the divorce depends on the age and the cause itself. For example, if one of the parents drinks a lot, then everything will become clear in itself. But if the matter is treason, then you can keep silent about it. Otherwise, the child will blame the parent who committed it. If the child is no longer small and himself guesses the reason, then you need to submit it so that he still loves mom and dad equally. But you must immediately tell the truth. Deception will only make the situation worse. During the conversation, itās not worthwhile to swear among themselves, at this moment the conversation should be devoted only to the child.
After the conversation, the children should understand that basically nothing will change. Mom and Dad love them. As for birthdays, and major holidays, they will also come together. Dad will walk with them, play, pick up from the kindergarten. Only that he will live separately will change.
What should a child understand?
The main thing that a child should understand from the conversation:
- After the divorce, mom and dad will be better, it just so happened.
- The fact that the parents are divorced will not affect their love for the child. Everything will remain as before.
- Communication with my grandmother and grandfather on my fatherās side will not stop. Everything will remain as it was.
- Parents will live separately, but now the child will have two houses at once, where they will wait and love him.
- Divorce is not guilty, neither dad, nor mom, nor baby. It so happened. It sometimes happens.
After such a conversation, the child should still love both parents equally. It should not be that he loves mom more than dad. That my motherās parents are better, but my fatherās attitude to the child is worse.
Invalid words and actions
Note that there are words, actions that are unacceptable during a divorce. They can injure the fragile psyche of the child. If there is no friendly relationship between parents, then the child should not know about this. When it is desirable to behave in a friendly manner. If one of the parents loses his temper during the conversation, then the second should soften the situation. Do not forget, the child is even harder. You can even reschedule the conversation.
How to tell a child about a divorce? Psychologist's advice
Psychologists give the following tips:
- When it is decided that there will be a divorce, the child must understand that the parents will not converge again. You canāt give him hope that maybe we will again be a full-fledged family, but for now we will rest from each other.
- You can not humiliate and insult a spouse with children. For them you have remained friends.
- During the conversation, try not to say that you stopped loving each other. Better to find another reason. Otherwise, the baby may decide that he too can stop loving. And he will live in constant fear of being left completely alone and useless to anyone.
- Do not force the child to choose one of the parents. Bribing his love with fun toys. For full psychological development, the child simply needs two parents. Even if they donāt live together.
- When talking with a child, one does not need to talk about the bad aspects of the former spouse. Children do not need to know this.
- Children should not participate in the divorce process itself, you need to protect it from this. Of course, if the court does not require it.
- Do not constantly tell your child about the upcoming divorce. For example, it was good and scary what will happen next.
- You canāt ask children which parents they love more, more strongly.
- The child should receive the same love as before. He should not be an intermediary for parents who do not want to communicate with each other.
- Divorce can not be smoothed out before the baby with expensive toys, or allow what was previously banned. This will not return the loss of a lost family.
To properly approach a conversation with a child about a divorce, you must put yourself in his place. Itās still hard for the kid, no matter how correctly the conversation was built, to realize that his parents are no longer together. And he will try by all means to reunite the family. And this applies to children of all ages, even thirty years old. Divorce always hurts. It's just that older children can understand adults and itās easier for them to explain the reason.
Features of conversation with children under seven years of age
With children under three years of age, you can do without talking about divorce. But you definitely need to answer the question, where is dad / mom? Over time, the child will get used to the fact that one of the parents no longer lives nearby.
Children from three to seven years old already understand that something is wrong in the family. At this age, the kids are very attached to both parents. Therefore, an extremely delicate conversation is needed here. Many parents are lost how to talk with a small child about divorce. The baby at first can begin to urinate, sleep badly, behave moody, try to attract the attention of both parents. Itās hard for a child to realize that dad only came for a walk, to play, or to go to the store for a toy. When parting, there may be whims, tears. The parent with whom the baby is left needs to control the behavior of the child. Sometimes you can not do without the help of a specialist.
Features of conversation with children from seven to fourteen years old
Children from seven to eleven years experience a divorce not so emotionally. Most warm themselves with the hope that their parents will converge again. There is no reason to give this hope, the child must realize that the separation of mom and dad happened forever. The kid will need to help get used to the fact that his father will now come on time to chat with him.
How to tell children about divorce from the age of eleven to fourteen? During this period, the child will already begin to take a sober look at life. And if the baby knows that the cause of the divorce was drunkenness, betrayal, then he can take the side of only one parent, with whom he remained. It is better for him to make it clear that dad is still good, that you canāt turn away from him, because he loves him.
Teenager and divorce
It can be more difficult for a teenager to tell about a divorce than a baby. Since at this age he begins to form as a person. And the separation of parents can cause serious injury. It is at this age that the mother should know how to tell the child the truth about the reason for the separation.
He can become self-absorbed even at the initial conversation, even if the conversation was built correctly. It is necessary to give the child a chance to get used to and gradually communicate with him. But not obsessively, but when he has questions or a desire to talk.
What to do next?
If the family has to go through a divorce, then the exact reaction of the child cannot be predicted. Each kid is a separate person. Some may react calmly and cry into a pillow at night. And there are such children that they themselves become a support for mom, and help to survive a divorce. And it is right. It is necessary for the child to feel fit. You can even ask the mother herself to be a support, saying that without his help it will be difficult for her.
The most important thing is that at this time you should not make any other important life changes. For example, moving to another city. The child should remain at least some constancy, for example, school, kindergarten. Better to wait with changes in life. Do not rush to introduce the baby with a new dad. You need to let the child get used to it. At first, try to give the baby more attention. Sometimes itās enough to increase the walk time by half an hour.
Conclusion
It turns out that a child can survive the separation of parents less painfully if you know how to tell children about divorce correctly. That is, it all depends on the parents. There is no painless divorce. If parents doubt their ability to tell everything well to the baby, you can ask for help from a psychologist, read literature. But the main thing is that you need to help your child quickly get used to a new life, which can become even better than it was.