When a woman meets a man who is suitable for her in all respects, her past life is of little interest to her. And even more so for her children from her first marriage will not become an obstacle. The husband is nearby, life is arranged, and happiness overwhelms a new unit of society. And then a past family breaks into life, and problems begin. Today you will learn how to avoid the most common mistakes and make contact with your husbandâs children.
Main question
Inheritance. The children of the husband from the first marriage can claim property and other values ââacquired by their father in another family. You canât argue with the law, and trying to fight through the court is futile, unless there was an agreement between the spouses. If your plans do not include a section of jointly acquired property, then this should be taken care of in advance - before marriage.
The husbandâs children from the first marriage can receive inheritance only from the father. They have nothing to do with your share. Do not forget that you will have to share among all the heirs of the first stage - the children, spouse and parents of the testator. That is, your common child also falls into this category. The rights of the husbandâs children from their first marriage are enshrined in legislation, so it makes no sense to fight for what belongs to them a priori.
Adoption
Life situations are different, and it may happen that you yourself want to make the child a member of your new family. Or the circumstances will be such that he will no longer be able to live with his mother. This procedure is quite simple, but you will have to collect help. Adopting the husbandâs child from the first marriage by your consent alone will not work. Carefully read the list of documents you need:
- Certificate from the mother about the lack of a criminal record.
- Medical confirmation of health status.
- Certificate of financial situation and employment.
- Autobiography.
- Provide a document stating that you own the property or have the right to use it.
- Certificate of compliance of the premises with all sanitary and technical requirements.
- An act drawn up by the guardianship authorities confirming that a survey of living conditions was carried out.
- Marriage certificate with the child's father.
Before you begin collecting the necessary documents, you need to get the consent of the mother. In the event that it is not deprived of parental rights. Or you have to prove that for some time she did not take care of the baby properly without good reason. Then you should file an application with the court and collect documents for the child:
- Conclusion from a medical institution about health.
- Information and characteristics from a school or kindergarten.
- Consent of the child (if he is older than 10 years).
The court is held behind closed doors, and it is prohibited by law to divulge its results. After you have adopted a husbandâs child from your first marriage, he loses any connection with the biological mother. A change will be made in the birth certificate, and your last name will appear in the column âmotherâ. From this moment on, you are equated with your own parent and have all the rights and obligations regarding the child.
Possible problems
Adult children from the husbandâs first marriage can adequately make a fatherâs decision, and you wonât have any troubles. But it may happen that they will hate you at first sight. There are several reasons for this, and all of them most likely have nothing to do with you. For them, another woman will become a natural obstacle to meeting with her father. In addition, not everyone will like to share their parent with another woman. What should be done in such situations?
First, you need to be patient. Children do not know you as well as their father, and therefore do not yet understand how to react to your appearance in the family. Over time, they will be able to examine you from all sides and find positive qualities. Secondly, do not try to penetrate into their personal space. If they themselves are not drawn to you and do not ask questions, then you do not need to insist that they share their secrets. The monosyllabic answers âyesâ and ânoâ indicate that the child is not yet ready for heart-to-heart talk.
Do not try to impose your opinion. Adult children already have their own views and do not need your moralizing. Present your statements as advice or wish. Never allow yourself, even in anger, to speak unflattering about their mother. Whatever she is, she will always remain their mother and they will take her side. Even one word can hopelessly ruin your relationship with your husbandâs children from your first marriage.
Do not try to obstruct their communication with their father. One day it may come to your side. After all, they will always be his children, but he can change his wife at any time. Do not stand on a slippery path - you may find yourself overboard with a family boat.
Jealousy
One of the most painful topics for women who have married a man with children. What if you are jealous of your husband for children from your first marriage? Family life will never be calm - at any time, children may need a father and he will have to come to the rescue. Weekends will have to be shared with children, and not every woman will like it. At some point, anger and jealousy will come. Why is the legal wife forced to sit at home and wait for her beloved husband while he spends hours of rest with his child? Inevitably, this situation will lead to scandals and a showdown.
Psychologists advise the husbandâs children from their first marriage not to repel and spend leisure time as a friendly company. Another thing is if the child himself does not want to share a rare watch with you. In this case, itâs better to just be patient. In adolescence, dates will be reduced in time and become less regular.
How to adopt a husbandâs child from his first marriage?
If you are facing such major changes in life, then a few simple truths should be clarified. The most important rule - do not try to love the child as your own. This is not your child, and even if over time you begin to feel tender feelings for him, it will be completely different emotions, as if he were your own child.
Do not expect feelings from the child. It will take a long time before he gets used to you and begins to trust. Do not force to call mom - you can cause him psychological trauma. If the child is very small, then he will do it without difficulty when the right moment comes.
Try to spend more time with your child, doing common things. It should be not only games, but also different domestic processes. Joint interests will help you not only get closer, but also establish a strong emotional connection. Unobtrusively ask the child about his hobbies. Perhaps among them there is something interesting for you.
Do not treat your child like the son or daughter of an ex-wife. First of all, this is the native blood of your husband and brother or sister of your child. They have one father and are considered relatives. Treat him as one of your family members. Do not infringe on his rights, but do not focus on him all the attention.
No need to surround the child with excessive attention. Even children are very keenly aware of falsity, and you do not need distrust on their part at all. Be courteous and helpful, but do not try to fulfill every whim. You can become a hostage to a young cunning. If you have a difficult child, you will have to be patient and try to educate him as your own.
If you have children from your first marriage
This situation is also not uncommon. What to do if the husband does not love the child from his first marriage? The main reason for this manâs behavior is that for him, a son or daughter from another person is a daily reminder that you had a different life before him, and that you loved another person. He constantly sees this fact before his eyes. He loves you, but he dislikes the child, because he has to share your attention. Problems begin at the moment when the spouse begins to find fault unreasonably or even punish and raise a hand. You cannot close your eyes to what is happening. To take the side of the child - this will only exacerbate the conflict. Conversations and arguments will not help here - you need to contact a family psychologist until the situation has led to a tragedy.
The second husband can even love children from his first marriage no less than his own. Especially if you do not have a common child yet. The situation may change when children appear in this marriage. A spouse can turn all attention to her own baby and stop caring for elders. If he does not begin to show aggression towards your children, then this is a normal situation. Your child will be in the first place and his needs are taken into account in priority order.
A completely different story if the husband does not like his child from his first marriage. There are several reasons for this. Perhaps the first wife was cheating on him, and he is not sure about paternity. Or initially between the spouses there was a very bad relationship, and the child only aggravated the situation. There are ladies who, through pregnancy, force men to marry. You should not expect anything good from such a marriage.
You do not need to do anything in this story. This is the relationship of your spouse and his previous family. Do not try to make him love his child or force him to date him. Enough timely payment of alimony. The husband himself must figure out his feelings and you should not take sides.
Education of feelings
Sometimes one can hear such a phrase from women: âI hate my husbandâs child from my first marriage!â Such strong emotions appear over time, and not after the first glance. A woman cannot just dislike a child. He is not a threat to family happiness, unless the ex-spouse manipulates the common child for his own benefit. But any woman will immediately feel such moments, and you need to deal with the husband and his ex-wife, but not with the child. Children do not give an account of what they are doing, if mom says that this will help to return dad to the family, then it means that everything she says must be done.
Another thing is if the child is already old enough and he is responsible for his actions. He is not obliged to love you, and hatred of someone elseâs aunt who took away your father can push you to do anything. But this does not mean that a woman should answer the same. Do not make scandals, involving the culprit in them. Do not try to appeal to conscience and prove that it is wrong - with this you will set it against you even more. You always need to look for an approach and explain that your parents are not guilty of divorce. If you convey information to the child and change his attitude towards you, then hatred will soon disappear on both sides. It is important to understand that the child himself has become a hostage to this situation and is not at all easier. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Allow what the mother categorically forbids (within reasonable limits). Give gifts and create a pleasant atmosphere for him. So that he feels necessary and can reciprocate. You should remember that the child will not disappear anywhere even after 10 years. It is best to start making contact with him while he is still small and open to everything new.
How to make contact
If the husband has children from his first marriage, then sooner or later you will have to communicate with them. Not always a man will spend time with them in public places or in the house of his ex-wife. The second option does not suit everyone. Thoughts will invariably appear that he has a good time there and one day he may never return at all. Itâs better to always keep the situation under control. Do not prohibit bringing children into your home.
Making friends with a child is not so easy. You initially became for him the person who destroyed his family. Even if the divorce occurred at the initiative of his mother. Do not try to become a second mother for your husbandâs children. It will not lead to anything good - you can make the enemy in the person of your ex-wife. Better become a confidant or an older friend who can be told what is carefully hidden from her mother.
You can tell funny stories from your childhood to your baby. Older children will be interested in learning about your first love affair. Give advice and substitute a friendly shoulder. Psychologists advise the husbandâs children from their first marriage not to curse, but to treat them as equals. If your child has problems with learning, help as much as possible. Do not force to sit over textbooks, but simply prompt and explain.
If you lose your nerves
Annoyed by her husbandâs children from his first marriage? Take a break and temporarily refuse to communicate. In those days when the spouse brings the child to your home, devote yourself to your beloved. It can be a trip to the hairdresser, shops, beauty salon or just visit friends. You canât bring the situation to the point where you start screaming or scandal. The husband will not say thank you for this, and the child will even consider you the number one enemy.
An adult should understand that children are often selfish and consider their father their property. For them to see how he hugs and kisses you - stress. Leave your senses until you are alone. Look for the cause first of all in yourself. Why is the child annoying you? Laughs out loud, screams or makes tantrums? Criticizing your lunch or saying mom cooks better? Ask what he would like and what he loves. Gradually eliminate all factors that cause irritation. This is not at all difficult, you just need to be careful.
How to avoid blackmail
If a child is often in your house and does not have tender feelings for your person, then the time may come when he decides to manipulate you. Children are very inventive and in order to get what they want, they can go on provocations and blackmail. A child with innocent eyes declares that if you refuse to buy him a new phone, he will tell dad that you beat him. And show a fresh bruise. Or even worse, youâll hurt yourself. And then try to prove that these are insinuations. The standard position of the parents: âThe child will not lie!â. Will be. And he will do it easily and without any internal resistance.
The young blackmailer must be stopped right away - once you succumb to it and you will be on his hook for many years. No need to be afraid of scandals and showdowns, it is better to immediately discuss the situation and stop any attempts to make you a sponsor. If you understand that the child will not stop and will continue to harass you with threats, then it is better to act tougher. The next time he asks for something from you, pretend to agree. Take the phone and turn on the recorder. Then tell the child that youâve changed your mind and you wonât buy anything, because there is nothing to be achieved by blackmail from you. Record the whole conversation, in which all the facts of extortion will be stated, and give the record to your husband. Now this is his problem. Next time, when a child wants to resort to such a method, no one will believe him.
In any case, you should not follow up on such children. This will not only destroy your marriage, but also bring a lot of problems psychologically. You should not depend on the mood or quirks of the child.