The birth of children is the main purpose of a woman. Moreover, among the fair sex, a pronounced maternal instinct is laid down by nature. But the life of a modern woman is somewhat more complicated than it developed initially, so many ladies prefer not to rush to procreation, which may cause problems in the family. "What to do: husband wants a child, but I do not?" - This question is asked by many representatives of the fair sex. How to be in this case?
Why does the spouse insist?
If the husband insists on having a baby, a woman should think not only about her interests, but also understand the motives of her husband. Here are the most common causes:
- The psychological aspect. For a man, the birth of a child is a sign of love, trust and devotion on the part of the spouse. If she refuses, the husband can take it at his own expense. This can cause the development of complexes.
- Instinct. In men, nature has laid the need for procreation. This is something like self-affirmation. In addition, he may fear gossip about inferiority due to the lack of children.
- Age. If a man is no longer young, it is logical that he worries about whether he can have children in the future. In addition, he wants to have time to see how a child grows up, wants to have time to give him all the best. If a woman marries a man much older than herself, she must consider this fact and respect the desire of her husband.
- Friends example. If all the men in the environment of your spouse already have children, he will surely feel uncomfortable and also want to become a father.
- He loves you very much. The desire to have a child from a woman you love is very natural. It is a symbol of unlimited affection and trust. Do not neglect this attitude.
- Family traditions. Perhaps your spouse's family had many brothers and sisters, and therefore he cannot imagine his life without children.
Uncertainty in a man
Increasingly, women have a problem: "The husband wants a child, but I do not." Despite the fact that at first glance the situation may seem unnatural, it is not unfounded. The fact is that many women are simply not confident in their men. Of course, the desire to have offspring is worthy of respect. But in most cases, from the moment of conception, the child becomes exclusively female concern.
Here are the main reasons that make women doubt the reliability of their soul mates:
- Unstable earnings. A child is an expensive pleasure. From the first days of life, a baby has to spend a lot of money. And with age, these costs will not decrease. This argument should be especially significant if the husband wants many children.
- Bad habits. If a man smokes a lot and abuse alcohol, this may not have the best effect on the health of the unborn child.
- Irresponsible behavior. If a man now and then does not sleep at home, does not fulfill your requests, does not follow the house, can he become a good father?
- Infantilism. If a man himself behaves like a child, it is definitely too early for him to have children.
- Adultery. If a man constantly makes you jealous, it is unlikely that a woman will have a desire to have children in common with him.
Talk with a man about everything that worries you. If he really dreams of procreation, your doubts will make him change for the better.
Reluctance to face physiological and psychological problems
Bearing and having a baby is a complex physiological process. Often, it provokes an exacerbation of chronic or the emergence of new diseases in the body of a woman. Plus such common problems as weight gain, hair loss, skin rashes, brittle teeth and so on.
Life after the birth of a child is also radically changing. In addition to undeniably pleasant moments, one has to deal with sleepless nights, dirty diapers, teething, and so on. This is a huge moral burden that spouses should share equally. It is important that the husband, not in words, but in practice, show support.
Hard times
Women feel much more difficult times than men. If any crisis occurs in the world or in a specific country, the woman, as a potential mother, is worried about the future of future children. It is logical that a sensible woman will not want to give birth to a child in a turbulent period (especially if age allows her to postpone the birth for a while).
What to do in this case? It is important to objectively evaluate the validity of your anxieties. Can the phenomena that bother you really have a direct negative effect on your life?
Do you love your spouse?
"The husband wants a child, but I do not ...". If you are faced with a similar situation, this is an occasion to seriously think about your feelings for your spouse. Rather, about their absence. Think about what your relationship is about:
- True love?
- Fear of loneliness?
- Memories of passion and romance that took place at the initial stage?
- Material benefits?
- Habit?
Perhaps the question of the child will be a turning point in your relationship.
Unwillingness to change lifestyle
Anyone wants to live for pleasure. And if for some women raising children is the highest pleasure, for others, the birth of a child threatens to destroy the usual way of life. If a woman has an interesting rich job, if she is used to traveling, she has many hobbies, a wide circle of friends and more prospects, her concerns are well-founded.
In fact, if a woman believes that the child will violate her usual way, then she has not yet matured for motherhood. Prepare yourself for this gradually:
- Expand your social circle. Get in touch with people who already have children.
- Review your schedule. Gradually change your daily routine so that you can spend more time on household chores.
- Learn the stories of successful businesswoman. You will be surprised, but among them there are a lot of exemplary mothers (even large families).
Reaction to blackmail
Sometimes, if the husband really wants children, and the spouse doubts, he can resort to blackmail. As a rule, a man threatens with divorce. In this case, a woman may have a protective reaction. She begins to even more resist the birth of children.
What to do in this case? First of all, think about your true desires. Do you really want to live for fun? Or is your rejection of motherhood a protest against the abusive relationship of your spouse? In any case, before making a final decision, you need to establish relations with your spouse and establish a healthy and calm atmosphere in the family.
Reaction to public pressure
"I do not like children!" - sometimes a woman speaks not sincerely, but as an answer to public pressure. Each society has its own stereotypes regarding the family. So, in the domestic space there is an opinion that a girl must give birth to 25. This is accompanied by serious pressure on the fair sex both from close friends and relatives, and from completely strangers.
Thus, failure to give birth to children may simply be resistance to the tactlessness of this society. But you should not be guided by a protest impulse, but by your own feelings. Listen to yourself to understand exactly what you want from life.
Childfree Phenomenon
Today, more and more you can hear how people call themselves “childfree”. These are those who do not want to have children. Society refers to this phenomenon with sharp condemnation. Nevertheless, do not confuse them with childheaters, who have a sharp dislike for children.
Scientists are closely studying this phenomenon and came to the conclusion that its occurrence is quite natural. The fact is that in the animal world (to which the person belongs) active reproduction is a way to ensure the survival of the species. A few hundred years ago, a large number of children died in the first years of life from starvation, infections and other problems. Therefore, people were forced to give birth to many children in order to preserve the human race.
Today, humanity is not threatened with extinction. Therefore, people refused active reproduction. And many even say to themselves: "I want to live for my pleasure!". Indeed, the quality of life of people has improved, there are a lot of opportunities for self-realization and self-development. Without children, using these opportunities is much easier and more comfortable. Some people consciously refuse to give birth to children, realizing that they are not able to give them the best.
If you classify yourself as childfree, it’s more honest if you tell your man about this before marriage, so that after years of marriage, this will not be a shocking surprise.
Maybe you should consult a psychologist
Today the life of the fair sex has changed so much that few people are surprised to hear from a woman: "I do not want children." But if the lady herself is concerned about the conclusions made, she should consult a specialist. This solution has the following advantages:
- A specialist will help you look at your problem from the outside (that is, objectively and impartially).
- At the reception with a psychologist, you will not be surrounded by your usual way of life, which can negatively affect the course of your thoughts.
- Even if your loved ones surround you with care and support, they do not have enough experience and knowledge to get to the root of your problem.
- With a psychologist, you can talk about anything. You can even tell him about those problems that you are embarrassed to share with loved ones.
- As a rule, with regular sessions, the specialist has made significant progress.
When choosing a psychologist, read reviews about his work. If at the reception you feel uncomfortable, you should not continue to work with this specialist, look for another.
How to delay the moment of conception?
"The husband wants a child, but I do not ...". It would seem the easiest way to take contraceptives secretly from your spouse. But this is not entirely fair. Rather, it is a hoax that can cause serious damage to relationships. So try to agree:
- Invite your spouse to assess your financial situation. Do you have your own comfortable housing? Is it comfortable enough? Do you have funds for expenses related to pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a newborn? Offer the spouse to postpone the birth of the first-born until the moment you stabilize your financial situation or save a certain amount that will cover the cost of the baby.
- Prepare to have a baby physically. Explain to your spouse that healthy children are born to healthy parents, and therefore you need to undergo a medical examination. Surely you, he will have some health problems (albeit minor), which will take some time to resolve.
- Prepare to have a baby morally. It is important that the expectant mother was in a calm mood and in a good mood. Ask your husband to take you on a trip to rest morally before a difficult period.
- Suggest an alternative model for family development. Many couples have children at a fairly early age. But how many of them can give their children a decent life (not only materially, but also morally)? Set yourself a specific goal, having achieved which, you can seriously think about the continuation of the genus.
How to react to a man?
If a woman says: “I do not want children!”, A man should not immediately be offended and turn this situation into a conflict. The reaction should be as follows:
- Talk calmly to find out the cause of the problem. It is possible that your spouse has objective reasons for abandoning motherhood - health problems, insecurity in the future, a desire to build a career, see the world, and so on.
- Try to understand your wife’s message correctly. Most likely, she is not talking about not having children at all, but about just putting it off for a while. If your spouse is very young, do not worry.
- Try to dispel her fears. Even the most reverent and caring man does not fully realize how hard pregnancy and childbirth are for a woman. In addition, after the birth of a child, the main burden of caring for the baby falls on the lady, which fundamentally changes her usual way of life.
- Analyze career prospects. If your spouse is successful in work, for sure she will not want to stop in her development. Alternatively, invite your wife to go on maternity leave in her place. In Europe, this practice has long been common.
- Try to softly convince. Give your arguments, prove your readiness to be a good and loving father. But do it carefully and unobtrusively, in no case do not put pressure on your spouse.
- Do not speak, but act. Behavior and real actions demonstrate to the woman that you are an exemplary and reliable husband, who will later become a good father. Support her in everything and help in every way.
Conclusion
The birth of a child must be accompanied by mutual desire. Nevertheless, the last word should still be with the woman. Firstly, it is her body that takes a direct part in this process. Secondly, the main burden of caring for a child lies precisely with the woman (even if the spouse takes endless care). And, of course, in the event of a divorce, the child is likely to remain with the woman, which will to some extent limit her freedom and can cause serious financial difficulties. Nevertheless, the ladies should not neglect too much the desires of their gentlemen. Moreover, one should not make conception and childbearing the subject of blackmail.