Have you ever heard a phrase like this: “If not for his mother, we would never have parted, my mother-in-law hates me!”? Surely heard, because there are enough such pairs. The question is different: is it true that relations with the mother-in-law can lead to a divorce, or is it just a habit of blaming anyone, but not yourself, for your failures? The situation is rather ambiguous, therefore, it requires more detailed consideration. What if mother-in-law hates daughter-in-law?
Where does the negative come from?
My mother-in-law hates me - what should I do? Many married girls today ask this kind of question. The negative attitude of the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law can begin at a subconscious level, starting from the very moment when the object of "sharing" between women has just been born. From the birthday of your chosen one, your mother-in-law raised a real man, who, in fact, should be ideal for herself. Especially clearly this feature is manifested in those ladies whose husband does not correspond to their ideas about the ideal life partner, as well as in divorced women and single mothers. Therefore, raising a son, the mother at a subconscious level seeks to provide herself with support and support in the future. And all would be fine, but the years go by, the son grows up, finds a life partner, and the mother realizes that she is gradually losing him. The young man pays more and more time and attention to his lady’s heart, and his mother, meanwhile, “tears and mosques.” Does it make sense to further explain why mother-in-law hates daughter-in-law?
What is the mother-in-law thinking?
The first thing your husband’s mother thinks about is that a young wife can never love and care for her son as stubbornly, selflessly and sincerely as she herself. After all, only a mother, like no one else, knows all the preferences of her son, all habits, sore spots and so on. From the moment a woman finds out that a bride has appeared in her child, she unwittingly begins to accumulate negative, which later often translates into a complete dislike of a “stranger” to her family. After the girl gets into the house of her future husband, she should be as focused as possible and try not to make mistakes, if possible, because in the future it will be quite difficult to fix them. Every careless act, every awkward detail can provoke an exacerbation of subconsciously caused negative emotions in the future mother-in-law. But what mistakes should not be made by the daughter-in-law in relation to the newly made "mother"?
Do not flaunt your feelings
When a girl, being a bride, thinks over the question: “Why does my mother-in-law hate me?”, She should pay attention to her behavior. It is important to be able to prioritize relations with the future husband and his mother. Do not show your love and emotions too actively towards your spouse - this will only cause jealousy in-law. Be polite and courteous in conversations with her, try to skip past reservations in your direction. Instead, give your warmth to your beloved man, but do not do it too openly in front of his parents.
Do not praise your mother too much
Stories about how wonderful your mother is, what delicious borscht she has and how carefully she does the cleaning will not melt the ice in the heart of your mother-in-law. Except on the contrary, it will foster her dislike for you. Your newly-made mother-in-law may decide that all this you are telling her reproach, because she is firmly convinced that no one is better than her to cook soup or iron her shirt.
Do not try to set your own rules and constantly interfere in everyday life
The rules and foundations in your husband’s house have been established by the mother-in-law for years, this is an established process that should not be subjected to constant interventions. At home, the mother-in-law is the mistress, and extraneous interference with what she’s already used to can be regarded as the most banal disrespect. Everyone knows that two housewives have no place in one kitchen, so do not be too lazy to coordinate in advance all arising issues that relate to cooking and household activities. And remember: the final word should be the mistress of the house.
Do not overdo it with the manifestation of love towards the mother-in-law
Such a mistake is most often observed in those girls who too want to like the mother of her husband. Frequent praise and flattering reviews of the daughter-in-law in the direction of the mother-in-law can be regarded by the latter as the most real sucking and lying. Such behavior will not only not please a woman, but may even harm her attitude to her own daughter-in-law. Be yourself and do not try to bribe her with deliberately flattering speeches.
Do not blame the mother-in-law for everything
Often, according to the daughter-in-law, all the scandals and omissions in the family occur only because of the mother-in-law. If you are firmly convinced that if it weren’t for your husband’s mother, then your family life would be the most ideal - on this belief you will not go far, as they say. Ultimately, the mother-in-law will listen to you from a sea of ​​reproaches, which will negatively affect both your relationship with her and her understanding with her husband.
Do not prohibit grandchildren from talking with grandmother
Some girls think that grandmothers spoil children excessively or set them up against their parents, and simply try to do everything so that their grandmother and grandchildren intersect as rarely as possible. This behavior is initially completely unjustified, because it is very important for children to feel love and care from all relatives. If you think that grandparents go too far, just talk to them about it, but tactfully and calmly.
What do psychologists recommend doing?
Sometimes misunderstanding reaches its climax, and the unfortunate girl seeks help from qualified advisers. In the current family problem, where the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law, the advice of psychologists can significantly alleviate the suffering of the unfortunate woman and develop with her tactics of her correct behavior with the aggressor in the person of the mother-in-law. For the family, especially the newly formed, peace and quiet are very important. You and your chosen one should not face a choice: you or mom. Therefore, the task here is the same - to build relationships competently and act in accordance with certain rules.
The mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law: the advice of psychologists in eliminating misunderstandings in the family
To minimize the risk of developing conflict situations, you need to follow some rules.
- Do not expose the mother-in-law in a bad light before herself and others: she is not a monster, and your husband will certainly not like it either. If they say bad things about his mother, this is the first step to breaking up.
- Learn patience, respect, and a sense of tact for your husband’s mother. You may not follow her advice, but it will not be superfluous to listen. Remember that the mother-in-law has more experience and there may be truth in her words.
- Caring for the family is above all. If the mother-in-law sees that you care about her son, about the children, cook well, run the household, over time she will understand that the love of her life is in good hands.
- Do not be afraid to ask your mother in law for advice. If you take an interest in recipes that your new husband loves, this will soften his mother’s attitude towards you.
- Find common ground with your husband’s mother, common interests. For example, she likes to watch TV shows or films - which means you need to organize a joint viewing of some new items from the world of cinema. And in the process and talk, and make friends.
- Remember to show attention. Call her to inquire about her health, buy her favorite chocolate on the way home, make small gifts.
- Do not ignore her and try to communicate more. Any problem can be solved by talking. The more you discuss, communicate, the less omissions in the future will arise.
Being able to build their relations with the husband’s mother correctly, you can create a healthy and full-fledged family, raise children in happiness and love. Do not forget about mutual respect, be wise and patient, and such a problem as “my mother-in-law hates me” will not be scary to you.
Why does someone succeed, but someone does not?
According to psychologists, sometimes a man exclusively on a subconscious level chooses a life partner, which is similar to his mother. If a mother is a positive person, easy-going, friendly and so on, then the wife will be as close as possible to such an image. There should not be any problems, because two nice people can easily establish contact with each other. But if the mother-in-law is an imperious and proud person, if for her it is only important that everyone obeys her opinion implicitly, then they are unlikely to quickly find a common language with her daughter-in-law.
Is it possible to establish relations with the mother-in-law, if initially they did not work out?
You think that the mother-in-law hates you and what to do? Psychologists give an unambiguous answer - it is necessary to strive to resolve the conflict and establish a positive atmosphere in the family. If you have a healthy, adequate position in relation to the husband’s mother, you will succeed. If you understand that the mother-in-law is not a girlfriend with whom you can discuss your husband without restrictions, if you do not deceive yourself and do not build illusions regarding the mother-in-law, then this position will lead to the fact that over time it will change its negative to favor and condescension . If children grow up in love and prosperity, the husband is always full, satisfied and generally happy with you, then over the years even the most formidable mother-in-law becomes attached to her daughter-in-law, and this attachment develops into a healthy, full-fledged relationship.