Sometimes you have to hear the complaints of women who say: "I regret that I got married." There can be many reasons for such despair, because different circumstances precede marriage. Some girls get married because of the big and bright love that passes over time. Other representatives of the fair sex deliberately enter into a relationship in the hope that everything will be "hardened, in love."
But what to do after the fact of marriage has already occurred, but the desired relief has not come? How to cope with your feelings and continue to enjoy life? Experienced psychologists tried to figure out these issues.
Reasons to marry without love
After the desperate words “I regret that I got married”, I need to remember the circumstances under which this happened. Surely, there were reasons that at that time seemed objective for making such a decision. Do not discard them, because, having understood the source of the problem, you can easily understand how to solve it. The reasons for marriage without love can be many:
- the girl decided that the positive nature of the guy is a priority motive for marriage with him;
- attracted financial independence of the partner;
- coincided views and priorities regarding marital relations and parenting;
- parents forced to marry;
- the woman preferred re-marriage so that the father was present in the life of the child;
- fear of loneliness turned out to be stronger than the prospect of a life without love;
- the girl got married because of revenge on her former lover;
- the representative of the fair sex simply mixed up, taking a passing hobby or ordinary sympathy for true love.
The Benefits of Marriage Without Love
Many people will be surprised: why get married if a priori there is no love? The answer will be unequivocal: this marriage has its significant advantages. The first plus is that partners do not value each other, they are not afraid of parting and separation forever. Such spouses do not have crises in family relationships, they do not get nervous over trifles and do not experience unhealthy stress. Life proceeds relatively smoothly, since each of the partners has its own personal territory.
When asked why to get married if there are no feelings, there is one more positive argument. This union will be the happiest in the world, since the husband and wife completely lack a sense of jealousy. This does not mean that people do not feel any feelings for each other. Between them there is respect, care, mutual assistance and many other positive aspects that are the basis for a harmonious life together. At the same time, each of the partners has the right to his personal life, does not report on his whereabouts and does not describe his per-minute daily employment.
Signs of cooling
If a girl comes up with the thought “I’m starting to regret that I’m married” - this is a serious bell. Perhaps the beginning of these doubts will lead to more serious consequences. To finally make sure that something is wrong in a relationship, you need to remember some points:
- Doubts. Increasingly, a woman begins to doubt the love of her husband.
- Irritation. The husband is constantly annoying with his behavior, even annoys what she previously did not pay attention to.
- Shame. The girl tries to hide in public that they are husband and wife, she is constantly ashamed of his presence.
- Lack of plans. When a girl thinks about her future, her partner is no longer with her.
- Interest has disappeared. A man no longer admires a woman; she is not interested in either his ups or his downfalls. Joint pastime is also devoid of emotions on her part.
- The desire to relax from a partner. The girl is looking for any reason not to be left alone with the guy, she prefers to take an increased load at work or go to relatives.
- Lack of intimacy. The woman’s affection for the partner becomes indifferent, she tries to avoid his touch, stops having sex with him.
If most of the situations described correspond to reality, it means that the girl is not in vain beginning to sound the alarm about the lack of love on her part.
Check for yourself: love or dislike?
If thoughts of this kind arise: “I regret that I got married, what should I do?”, I need to be as frank as possible. You should not deceive yourself and hope that everything in itself will change for the better. Psychologists recommend asking yourself specific questions, the answers to which will help you better understand yourself. The list is as follows:
- Do I have plans for a joint future with my husband?
- Do I respect my husband as a man?
- Do I enjoy an intimate life with my spouse, what sensations cause me to touch him?
- Do my husband and I have any hobbies?
- Why should I be grateful to my husband, what exactly confirms his love for me?
- What character traits and actions of a spouse annoy me?
- What character traits and actions of a husband cause delight and admiration in me?
- Are there any grievances for which I can’t forgive my spouse?
- Who initiates quarrels in the family, how often do conflicts and omissions occur?
- Will I enjoy a joint holiday or a romantic trip?
Family crisis
After analyzing your answers, you can understand whether the woman actually fell out of love, or just seized life. What to do with this situation, and is it so hopeless? Perhaps this is just a crisis of relationships that you need to survive. Indeed, in the thoughts of women there is always a ghostly alternative. The representative of the fair sex is burdened with doubts of the following order: if she had not met her husband, a more promising guy would have fallen for her. You should not burden yourself with such comparisons, since not everyone is given the chance to win the heart of a successful man, and you can live no worse with simple guys. After all, for something, she fell in love with her husband and lived with him happily for a certain time.
Perhaps family troubles and problems added the last straw to the sea of ​​fatigue. But we should not forget that not every lady is ready to constantly stand at the stove, some simply refuse to do this. And this is not an indication that they do not love their husbands. Therefore, do not panic and draw hasty conclusions and puzzle over why love has passed. Most likely, she did not go anywhere, and the girl was just tired. If she realizes that she simply does not want to do housework, this means that this is a banal crisis of relations. If a lady does not want to do anything for a particular man - the depth of her feelings remains in question.
Questions to ask yourself
Before you go to a psychologist, you must try to figure out for yourself. And for this it is necessary again to ask questions that will finally help make the right decision. The wording “I regret getting married” should be left behind. You need to try to understand whether it is worth further to keep the marriage, or it makes sense to end the relationship. It is necessary to reflect on the following situations:
- Imagine yourself happy with your partner in other circumstances (changing your place of residence to more comfortable conditions, having an au pair, increasing income, presence or absence of children, etc.).
- If there is an exact answer on how to improve family relations, you should ask yourself the question: why am I not doing this?
- If a woman who married without love knows for sure what her character traits, habits, details in appearance, etc. annoy her husband, she should ask herself: why am I not changing anything?
- The girl must understand if there is something in her husband that she fundamentally does not like, and with which she can never reconcile. If this aspect is present, it makes sense to frankly admit it to myself.
- If the husband himself takes the initiative to part, will the girl feel relief, or is it important for her to be the first in this matter.
- If the case comes up that a woman will completely be satisfied with life, but will make the man unhappy, will the fair sex agree to this option.
The ability to make the right decision
To understand how to be happy in marriage, you must learn to objectively assess the situation and make the right decisions. The above list of questions for yourself will make every woman feel whether she loves her husband and whether it is worth continuing the relationship. Therefore, you should decide what to do next. To do this, a reasonable solution would be to use the following recommendations:
- Do not scold yourself and feel remorse. Everyone has the right to do as his heart tells him.
- Thoughts on the topic “I regret that I got married and how to live on” are absolutely normal at different stages of marriage. Every family is in crisis, but to a greater or lesser extent, so such doubts can be just a momentary weakness.
- Living in a marriage with an unloved person and pretending to be a happy woman is not possible for every woman. Such a joint stay will not bring joy to any of the partners.
- It is necessary to make the right decision in one direction or another. Either try to light the extinct fire of love as much as possible, or extinguish it completely - it will be more honest.
When is the decision to divorce
If the thought “I regret that I got married” does not leave, how to divulge so that it is as painless as possible for both sides? You need to use the following tips:
- Think over the topic of conversation. It is worth deciding finally and tactfully to convey to your former lover the essence of the problem. It should be understood that a very serious and important decision has to be voiced, there should not be a return road. If a woman begins to hesitate and changes her point of view during the conversation, she will simply lose her husband’s trust forever.
- Prepare a man. This does not mean that you need to walk around the existing problem, but you should not really scare him with an overly formidable call to talk.
- Choose the best time and place. It is not recommended to start a conversation if you are upset, sick or under pressure from third parties (there are times when parents forced to marry, and now insist on a divorce). It is necessary to choose a place and time when both partners will feel comfortable.
- Tell about your decision. This must be done as tactfully as possible, without raising your voice, without breaking into emotions, and not stooping to insults and accusations. If there is hope to improve the relationship, you need to use it in the most loyal form, voicing your desires (but not requirements).
- Establish feedback. If a man wants to know the reason for the decision to leave, you should not list all of his mistakes. It is not necessary to say why the love on the part of the woman passed; it would be more correct to leave a conversation about feelings (it is no longer necessary).
- Allow a man to behave as he sees fit. We are talking about the option when the husband interrupts the conversation or simply leaves. It is necessary to put yourself in his place and give the opportunity to rethink the situation. After a while, when both partners are ready, return to the topic again.
- Jointly consider the next steps. If the spouses have come to a common opinion on the continuation of the relationship, the contribution of each of them to the overall well-being should be indicated. If a divorce is unavoidable, it is recommended that you solve all the main problems associated with changing status.
Marriage for the sake of a child
Many are concerned about the problem of whether to save a family for the sake of children. The advice of experienced professionals will help to understand this situation. Psychologists strongly recommend saving the family if there is at least one prerequisite for this. Perhaps the partners are in a difficult period for their relationship, and then everything will work out. But if the former lovers did not have anything in common in feelings and emotions (meaning positive), there is no sense in preserving what is no longer there. A child will never be happy in a family where there is no love, and there is only one lie. If parents divorce intelligently, it will be much easier for the baby to perceive this situation. Indeed, it is precisely those women whose parents were divorced or their mothers married without love that are most afraid of parting. They remember their childhood experiences and do not want to let the child experience the same thing. In order for everything to go as painlessly as possible for children, you need to listen to the following tips:
- Continue living together while working on relationships. There are times when children fasten an almost broken marriage.
- They diverge, but continue friendly and business relations that do not affect the child in any way. Former spouses explain to the baby that they are not a couple, but demonstrate mutual respect and care for each other.
- The child remains with one of the spouses, but constantly communicates with the other parent. If relations are built correctly, one can fully count on adequate understanding on the part of children.
- The child alternately lives in one or another family. This is also a wonderful way out, and there are many examples of this when children are in a wonderful relationship with their mates and dads.
- The mutual desire of both spouses to make the child happy will allow them to come up with new models for constructing the future life of the child after the parents divorce.
- In no case should you allow the use of a child to manipulate a spouse. This is inhuman and cruel to the baby.
Specific situations when feelings go away
The words "I no longer love my husband" can only be said by a woman who has concrete reasons for this. Feelings do not pass just like that, an impulse is needed for this. Perhaps the husband himself does not love his wife, and she simply did not wait for his love. Or maybe other situations have arisen. The most common are:
- There is a lover. Here a woman should think about why this situation occurred and draw the appropriate conclusions. But no matter which spouse is to blame, the girl must definitely make a choice. Since this cannot go on forever, it makes sense to think with whom she will feel more comfortable. You need to either establish relationships with your spouse, or get a divorce and stay with your lover.
- Love for ex-husband. Basically, this is just an illusion and memories of a past life, which idealizes over time. Past relationships are in the past, they have exhausted themselves, so it’s worth cherishing what is available today. But there are exceptions when both spouses made a mistake and dream of reuniting, then this union has a future.
- Love for husband’s friend. Reuniting with a husband’s friend is a deliberately disastrous idea. Men really value friendships and will never let them tear up over a woman. And if a friend takes this step, then this characterizes him from the worst side. He will simply achieve his goal, but he will never be able to respect a woman after that.
- Love for husband’s brother. This situation cannot be cloudless, as both lovers will become miserable. A woman will constantly have to listen to reproaches from the partner’s relatives, meet with her ex, etc. The brother will feel remorse and ultimately blame the girl for everything.
- Love for someone else’s husband. "I regret that I got married, because I love another married man." That is how a woman who is simply accustomed to envy someone else’s happiness can think. In life, there are many things that look much better from a distance than when closely examined. You should not destroy your own family and someone else’s, rarely anyone gets the result of a new relationship the way he imagines it.
- Dislike for the husband’s relatives. This situation can only be resolved with the help of a spouse. You should not say unpleasant things about his relatives, you can just ask him to limit communication a little (see and contact less often). Parents are not chosen, so you should not blame your husband and stop loving in vain.
- Dislike for the husband’s former family. This is a common situation when a new wife is jealous of the previous family. If the husband truly values ​​the relationship, he will always find a reasonable compromise in dealing with two women. Moreover, if he is no longer with her, it means that he made his choice.
There are many tips for women who are chilled to their soulmate. But in each individual case, these recommendations will be different (perhaps even non-standard). First of all, you need to listen to your heart and not make hasty conclusions. Everything else will work out in the best way.