The expectation of the birth of the child gives the spouses many pleasant and exciting moments, therefore, when the baby is born, the young mother expects that the husband will take on half of the cares for raising a newborn. However, in reality it turns out that dad is not ready to change his lifestyle for the sake of the baby or finds excuses to spend less time at home. Is this always the case, are there exceptions and should my husband help with the children?
"And what to do with it?"
The appearance of a little man in the house by parents is perceived differently, especially if the baby is the first-born. Mom had a baby for a long 40 weeks - she feels the slightest changes in his mood and well-being, but for dad, all these sacraments remain beyond comprehension.
At first, the newfound father is even afraid to take the child in his arms so as not to harm him, and the young mother is too absorbed in pleasant care to devote enough time to “getting to know” the pope and the newborn. She bathes, swaddles the baby, does not lower him, and does not yet realize that, giving her husband the role of an outside observer, gives him the opportunity to believe that his life has not undergone any changes since the birth of the baby.
Having made several timid attempts to approach his child and received a rebuff from a loving parent, the young dad quickly calms down and begins to accept reality from a position favorable to himself. Since his services are not needed, then everything is as it should be.
Who's guilty?
Husband does not help with children - whose fault is it? As already mentioned, in the first weeks after giving birth, a woman unconsciously seeks to fill the baby’s life with her love, being carried away by this process so much that the young dad simply does not have a place next to the common child. This situation cannot last long - postpartum depression, mummy's undermined health and accumulated fatigue gradually reduce the quality of care for the baby and negatively affect the general condition of the woman.
Seeing that the wife is having a hard time, most men try to provide all possible assistance, but due to their poor idea of caring for a newborn, the result of such support may be insignificant. The usual excuse of the young dad in this case: "I tried, but I did not succeed." It is believed, by default, that this verbal formula “for all time” removes all responsibility from a man, and indeed the woman is the founder of introducing such a loyal policy into the family.
Anti-methods of involving a father in raising a child
Of course, the husband should help his wife with children, but her unconscious resistance to this sometimes transcends all boundaries. How does this happen:
- a young mother is afraid that her husband, depressed by caring for a child, will abandon her;
- a woman regrets her husband, believing that he is too tired at work;
- the consequences of raising a wife, convinced that the husband should earn money, and the woman to pull the house and children on her.
Such behavior of the mother betrays her undeveloped attitude to the institution of marriage and contributes to the fact that the husband helps little with the child and begins to take what is happening for granted. The man feels the dependence of the young mother on him and is in no hurry to take on more responsibilities than he had before the appearance of the baby in the family.
Other reasons why a husband does not help with children
Psychologists believe that there can be no real obstacles to communication between the father and the child - if the father wants to spend free time with the baby, he will find a way around any obstacles. This is in theory, but in practice, encountering a barrier on the way, a man accepts it as an excuse for his inaction and stops making further attempts to assert his right.
Factors that, according to men, can prevent them from spending time with children:
- too much work, no time left for the family;
- in childhood, a man himself was deprived of paternal attention and did not form the desired behavior model;
- the pope believes that he is fully fulfilling the functions of the getter assigned to him and does not believe that anyone has the right to demand more from him;
- there are too many “nannies” around the child in the form of caring relatives, and dad is simply not allowed to approach the baby.
Another striking misconception that men often use as an excuse is the "lack of thought" of the child. The man, allegedly, waits until the baby grows up and begins to comprehend the environment, and until then, caring for him is of no interest.
According to statistics, many young fathers begin to show interest in their offspring only in the second or third year of the baby's life.
Daddy's joy
In order not to complain later that the husband does not want to help with the child, the expectant mother should not remove her spouse from pleasant worries already at the stage of preparation for childbirth. A man will not remain indifferent to the appearance of the baby if he, along with his wife, went shopping, choosing children's things. You can hold him responsible for planning the baby’s bedroom, assembling children's furniture or buying a stroller (crib), arguing that no one will do this better than her husband. A man will be pleased with this approach, and he will try to do even more.
When the baby is born, the tradition of leaving one or two important tasks for his education to his father's responsibility must be continued. Let the father himself choose a kindergarten, where the child will go, talk with the teachers and take part in the repair of the group. The current responsibilities of the father can also include simple control so that only good working toys are on the shelf in the children's room.
Small steps to family happiness
The reason that the husband does not want to help with the child may be the excessive burden on his shoulders "all at once." Mom needs rehabilitation after childbirth, and dad is required that he carry out the entire series of procedures for caring for the baby. But men, in principle, are not adapted to tasks of this kind. And now he, left alone with the baby, begins to develop feelings of fear and aversion to the fact that he is busy with “not his” business.
Is there a way out of the situation? No matter how hard it is for mom, it’s impossible to assume that the man’s hands will drop and he will run away from home at every opportunity. If the young parents are completely unbearable, you can bring your grandmothers or a professional nanny to help, and distribute the remaining responsibilities fairly.
Working dad can be entrusted with such simple episodes of caring for an infant, such as:
- evening swimming;
- bottle feeding before bedtime;
- change of diapers in the crib;
- buying food on the way home;
- a walk with the child on weekends.
Each of these actions can be turned into a small home ritual that is pleasant for both parents: for example, while mom puts her baby on for a walk, dad prepares a stroller, covers it, checks toy pendants for their integrity.
Act quietly
If the husband does not help with the children initially, the methods of influence on him should be progressive, with modeling of the current situation. A woman may unobtrusively ask him to look after the child while she is busy washing or cooking, but this must be done in such a way that her spouse does not have enough time to find an excuse.
Sometimes the husband does not help with the children, but willingly takes on other household chores. This also needs to be used. The list of purchases that he sometimes makes should include diapers and other items of baby hygiene. You can ask him in a soft form to arrange all the toys in places, if he still decided to help with the cleaning, or pick up the baby from the kindergarten on the way home from work. All these actions will not take much of the spouse's time and will not allow him to assume that he is being manipulated.
No hints
The first thing a woman must learn when trying to influence her husband’s thought process and actions is that any request or appeal to him should be voiced directly, and not allegorically. Most men do not understand the hints, and the attempts of the spouse to "reach out" to their sense of responsibility through a demonstration of female weakness causes many of them to be very annoying.
The husband does not help with the child - what to do? Psychologists advise using a trick that does not give the spouse a choice as such, but at the same time creates the illusion of his own decision. For example, it is about asking your spouse to play with the baby while mom prepares dinner. A woman should formulate her request something like this: “Dear, if you take our child while I’m in the kitchen, I can prepare your favorite dish, otherwise I’ll have to eat bored pasta again.”
Analyzing this wording, we can understand that a woman does not insist on her proposal, but does not give her husband the opportunity to "dissuade" one of the common phrases. Her request sounds very clear - either the husband will have to spend his time on the baby, or come to terms with the food cooked in haste. Using the method from time to time (but not too often), a man can be accustomed to the idea that his actions are inextricably linked to improving home comfort.
Guide for dad
Most often, the reason that the husband does not help with the children lies in his elementary ignorance of what to do, as well as in his subconscious fear of making a mistake and provoking discontent. Which exit? Compose a “briefing” with a detailed algorithm of actions for literally every required manipulation.
For example, instructions for feeding a baby from a bottle may look like this:
- Boil a clean bottle for a minute.
- Separately, boil and cool the purified water to 40 ° C.
- Pour 50 ml of water into a bottle, pour 1 tablespoon of the mixture.
- Close the bottle, shake it well so that there are no lumps left.
- Drop a little mixture on your wrist and, if the liquid is not hot, start feeding.
Gradually, with the accumulation of paternal experience by the young parent, the need for instruction will disappear, and the man will proudly demonstrate his knowledge at every opportunity.
Constructive criticism
Men do not like criticism, and criticism in family life can permanently unsettle them and lock themselves up. If a woman, for every unsuccessful attempt by her husband to take part in raising a child, tells him: “You are doing wrong!” or “Forever, everything is wrong with you,” she should not be surprised that a man will begin to avoid any errands.
Even worse, if a young mother begins to compare her spouse with someone else who has the same results, the best result. Conducting such analogies by men is perceived as an insult, which can cause reasonable aggression towards the provocateur.
Not every mistake of a man who makes sincere attempts to help his wife and child requires censure, and some of them are better not to notice at all. It's okay if the baby goes for a walk in the lower T-shirt, worn inside out, it is much more important that dad did not shy away from the process of dressing the child.
If a man made a mistake where the correct action is necessary to preserve the baby’s health (for example, he didn’t put a warm hat on top of the bonnet), he should point out the mistake, focusing on the action itself, and not on the mistake. Here's how it should sound: “It's already cold outside, and we put on a woolen hat on top of a cotton one. So the baby will not freeze. " In fact, this is also criticism, but so veiled that it will not cause resentment.
All in moderation
Even the best father and husband need free time to “catch their breath” and feel their belonging to the world around them. To deprive him of this opportunity is to inflict a serious blow on his masculinity. This does not mean that all communication between the pope and the child should be in a few minutes of the game after work, but everything needs a measure.
Men are structured so that the desire to preserve the privilege of their own interests at the time of infringement of this right becomes prevailing. In other words, if you load your spouse with child care while the TV game is waiting for the long-awaited football match, then another time during the broadcast of the game, he will try to leave home or defend his right with a scandal.
While the child demands the vigilant attention of adults, it will be useful for spouses to apply the practice of compiling a weekly schedule of their employment. So, the husband and wife will know in advance when they will be able to have personal time, and there will be less disputes on this issue.
Father's financial assistance after divorce
After a divorce, it often happens that the ex-husband does not help the children financially, considering that these concerns no longer concern him. The state has many levers of influence on negligent fathers, offering a woman to start a production machine with only one active action - writing an application for the payment of alimony.
Most often, a woman does not need any other steps to ensure that payments for children begin to flow regularly. However, in some cases, 25% of dad’s salary or allowance is not enough even to provide for the primary needs of the child. Then the way out of the difficult situation will be the appointment by the court of a fixed amount of payment for a minor, which can reach the minimum subsistence level per child established in the region.
Another important question on the topic: should a husband help his wife and child financially if the official divorce is not formalized, but the parents do not live together? Lawyers do not consider this issue as controversial, since the content of the minor is the same on both parents, regardless of the varying circumstances. Alimony, if the parents are married, are appointed in the same manner as after their divorce.
"Day off" dad
If parents break up while the child is still small, it becomes difficult for dad to demonstrate his love for the child. Meetings with the baby always occur in the presence of the mother, with whom the father could have formed a cool relationship, and this puts psychological pressure on both parents. Gradually, the father will try to reduce the time of meetings or not to appear on them, which can develop into a complete alienation.
Is there a way out? There are several of them:
- during meetings with dad, a grandmother or other relative may be next to the child;
- it is better to transfer the meetings to the street, and the mother can leave the child in the full care of her father, and then meet him with a walk at the appointed time.
If the ex-husband does not want to help the child financially, but at the same time insists on meetings, it is better to bring the problem to court, where, in addition to the purpose of alimony payments, the mother may also require the establishment of a meeting schedule for the father and the baby.
If dad is gone forever
There are situations when the father’s intention to completely disappear from the life of the child and start a new life is the best solution in the name of maintaining a healthy psychological situation in the family. It is much better if the baby grows up with the confidence that dad left him due to circumstances beyond his control, than he will plague himself with unsuccessful expectations of rare meetings.
If the husband does not help the children after leaving the family, the responsibility for finding the right words and maintaining the inner comfortable world of the kids lies with the mother, and she herself has the right to decide what form to put on her story. It is advisable not to injure the children with the truth, postponing the confession to a later period, but to explain to them that the pope was forced to do so, but his love for the kids remained the same.